That Beautiful Butterfly

 Happy Friday, my fellow readers… I hope you all are having a splendid day and enjoy your upcoming weekend. 

I’m going to start this off with some good news. I found a job. It's temporary or should I say I can keep it for as long as I want it. It pays very well, comes with benefits, and the best part… I am only working four days a week. I was going to do three but given the relaxed nature of my new path… I honestly have more time to accomplish my own personal goals…. Which include, but are not limited to: exercising more regularly, editing book two, writing this blog, and overall just being more happy. 

This opportunity fell in my lap after I was terminated from my teaching job… After two full months of tragedy taking place. Y’all for the last 60 days or so I was an emotional wreck. But again, if you keep up with this blog, you would know that losing two uncles back-to-back and becoming extremely ill (almost dying), then losing a job would make anyone sad. 

Everything was so uncertain and I felt miserable. Not only because of my health but because life just kept throwing one blow after the other. However, I have never been given the luxury to wallow in self-pity. To be fair though, I am not one to do that. Sure, I will embrace the sadness but while I am doing so, I am also actively looking for a way out of that sadness. Life is life and it can and will swallow you whole if you let it. 

With that said though, for every door that closes; some magical door you just can't see in the darkness opens up along the way. 

In the past week of my new life, I have learned that many teachers and parents of students took a stand in defense of my sudden termination. You have no idea how this makes me feel. Briefly though: that I was damn good at my job and that my co-workers and the school’s community thought so as well. The number one thing is the proof that I was let go because of personal differences that a so-called leader couldn't look past for the betterment of her school. 

Believe me when I say this: everything did work out better for me. I am actually not in this stress-induced state worried that something I do or say will be held against me. I am also not looking over my shoulder worried about my job being taken away anymore. 

And, although I know this chapter in my life is a temporary one, I do have the support and understanding I need to have in order to proceed with the life of my dreams. It's a crazy thing to feel this way once more. This time I am not questioning it. I am just going along. 

All my life I have questioned my worth. It all started with growing up poor in a one-parent household. It then moved into having a boyfriend who cheated on me constantly because he could… because I always took him back. It then turned into never feeling smart enough or creative enough because I never had the resources to expand on either one. Even though I saw how people copied my style and tried (and were successful) at stealing my energy. 

Let’s get real for a moment though: all this should have never dimmed my light, but it did and I can't change my past or the feelings I have associated with it. I just have to take the lessons I learned and become a better version of myself because of them. 

Which brings me to the real issue I am writing this post today. Feeling your worth doesn't belong in the hands of others. There is a piece of my heart that belongs to someone far, far away but with all the changes going on in my life, instead of holding onto that longing… I have decided to let it go… it's just a piece anyway. 

I can no longer become frustrated with how this person refuses to see me… and refuses to put more effort into making sure that that piece of my heart expands and is kept sacred. 

Again, I know I am no model or the best at everything I do or touch… or simply put… perfect enough to save and take care of… But, I am a rare gem, and knowing that myself is all I really need to focus on. What's inside is uncommon, it is a gift that I adore about myself. Fighting to make someone else see that is a waste of energy. My precious energy. 

So, today… I woke up lighter and well, eager to go on with my life understanding that being passed over once again, isn't about me at all. Everything I want I will get, and the things I want but don't get… There is a reason for that. 

Losing my job was a blessing in disguise. Coming to terms with where I stand with other people-specifically that one person is a way to shed what is weighing me down. Letting go of a wish, only sets it free. 

My life has hurdles and I am not afraid to jump over them with all the leg power I have. I know this exercise will only lead to something greater… Something more spectacular. 

And maybe, just maybe… stepping away will actually allow movement to step in. 

Remember this: working on yourself, and putting your worth first doesn't make you selfish, it makes you unstoppable. 

Big hugs to you all and I love you!