Into The Wild

 

All it takes is one song. Just one...to make the words trapped in mind find their proper release. 

Yesterday...after many jumbled thoughts still couldn’t find their outlet, I heard a song. It got me thinking. About the past...the present...and of course, the future. You know...the type of shit that keeps one up at night. 

So much of my story is still very much unwritten. I’m 40 after all but ‘line by line’ is waiting to be etched in. One day down, one step closer. The unknown waiting to be written down. 

The words to the song were reminiscent. They reminded me that the feelings I have are real and tangible. They were never fleeting. It just took an awakening. It took eyes opening. It took a triggering of sorts. 

Songs and music have always done this to me. I’m sure I’m not the only one? A specific track can take me back or propel me forward and no matter what these songs and these lyrics always find their way to me at just the right moment. Much like many things in my life-the timing is always uncanny. 

I guess the universe knows how to really get through to me? I guess the universe knows exactly how to impact us all. How to stop in our tracks and pay attention. 

Yesterday, I also talked to my mama about one specific memory and she responded, “I remember how different you came back from that. I remember how that moment changed you.” 

And she would be right! This memory did change me and it’s held onto me for 20 years now. No matter where I am or what I am doing, it always finds a way to creep back up and make its presence known.

For a while, I wanted to set it on fire and let it sail on its merry way. You know...give it the proper burial it deserves in order to release it from the very grips it had on me. 

For a while, I was convinced this memory was mine and mine alone and that stung a tad bit. It broke my a heart a little....I’m not going to lie...my ego was a sort of bruised...but then I was reminded that memories get sparked when they are supposed to. Not when you want them to. 

I remembered that the most important thing about this memory wasn’t the memory itself but the personal growth that occurred because of it. Over anything else....this was what mattered. I also reminded myself that our memories and how they get activated are all part of a personal journey. No one can dictate or influence how that flows.

All February I had this ‘blah’ feeling. Again...I blame Mercury Retrograde. Still though, I feel lucky enough that this irritating shit bird only lasted 28 days. I mean...if any month is going to be an irrational, chaotic, dramatic mess..it better  at least be the shortest damn month of the year. 

TEA TIME: I was a bag of giant emotions from start to finish. It literally seemed like I freaking cried every week...over something. Anyone else? 

Then March 2nd came and I kid you not, I felt instantly lighter. I hadn’t even realized it was March. February’s weight was lifted. The shit storm had passed. Mercury Retrograde when bah-buy! 

Here’s the thing-more tea if you will-I don’t know about you but when my expectations aren’t met..I tend to feel defeated. I get angry. I become complacent and drained and feel helpless. In my head, I have a certain outcome that I envision and when that doesn’t deliver...I start thinking the worst. This is dumb, right? 

Right. 

However...I know I’m not alone in this...we all feel this way! And guess what...that’s fucking okay. We aren’t meant to shoot constant rainbows from our assholes. We are allowed to feel vulnerable, bummed and insecure about situations...any situation. 

By the end of February, I was mentally drained so no wonder I was zapped. 

Finally I was like, “Alright Universe...I’m done asking. You’ve heard the prayers. Some you have refused to answer and I know you have reasons why but the others I know you will make happen. I just have to sit back and wait. I just have to trust you know what you are doing. I just have to stop acting like a back seat driver and enjoy the scenic drive. Okay. Okay...it’s in your hands now.” 

It was either that or figuring out a way to blow up Mercury or make February never exist again. And...well...I am no a wizard so the latter two are not viable options. 

Thank you Manifestation Babe on Instagram for your solid moment of clarity...for you coercing me to step away from the ledge. Much appreciated. 

Me...lifting that heavy burden off of my shoulders has helped tremendously. I’m just doing. No expectations. Just focus. No forced obligation just a passion being taken on. 🎼🎼🎼🎼take on meeee....take me on....🎼🎼🎼*sorry A-Ha 80’s music interlude. Had to. 

Just like memories, merging desired paths show up when they are supposed to. Not when you want them to. I have to believe all these awakenings...the vigorous shaking of this sleepy head has purpose. 

The month of February and Mercury Retrograde were both energy vampires sucking up all my creative juices.  Still...I made myself show up because showing up meant I’m present and that’s exactly where I have to be if I want to get on with it. 

****February Conversations In My Head...yes! I talk to myself.****

*I can’t stop posting photos for my photography page because I’m stuck at home and can’t travel. 

Well...my dear...you have traveled plenty and this is just a temporary pause. Maybe get creative with old photos instead of pouting that your being held hostage by a pandemic. You did say you want your photos to stand out. Start with what ya got. 

*I can’t give up on writing my fan fiction book just because I hit a snag of writer’s block and I’m only using my phone. 

Correct. Look at Anna Todd...she wrote the After series all on her phone. Just do it. Just write. Do what that one guy said and write for 30 minutes a day. Soon you’ll have that whole story written and remember you go through spurts...sometimes you can’t stop writing and the words flow like a river so what are you so bent up about? Besides, what else are you doing? Nothing! Because...pandemic. And let me remind you, little lady...you’ve always wanted to be a professional writer with books under your belt so now isn’t the time to get all emo because you had one bad month. 

*I can’t fast forward time or rewind it for that matter? 

Ah, yes....but why would you? You are no longer there and what’s ahead can’t be discovered without walking to it. So cry for an entire month if you need to...take a break if that’s what’s required...just make sure to at least show up. Just trust me on this one without a lengthy explanation why...you will thank me later...I’m sure. 

*I can’t go back into hiding mode!!! 

Correct. Again. You hated hiding...it sucked. It wasn’t you. Also...you aren’t in a witness protection program nor are you a  ghost. The more you let yourself be seen, the more opportunities await.  

*I can’t give up on my career. 

Again...why should you? You have worked extremely hard for where you are and what you have. Don’t let some asshat ruin your value and self-worth. That’s on that them and believe me...this clown isn’t the only one in the circus. There’s plenty. You play an important, vital role and sure this might not be what you are going to do or what you want to do for the rest of your life but it’s your right now and right now is where you need to be and don’t forget you are damn good at what you do. 

*I can’t stop believing certain things that have attached themselves to me and have clung on for all this time isn’t all for nothing. 

Absofuckinglutely! Now...you get it. You’re not going to have all the answers right away and the mystery of it all is that there is no mystery at all. Timing reveals everything...so how in the world can you get clarity from something so unknown. You can’t. All you can do is trust. So please trust...sister. Be patient. I promise you won’t be disappointed. 

*Uggggghhhhhh....when is this pandemic going to end? 

Now you’re pushing it, lady. Don’t be a Karen. Also...tell your human buddies to stop trashing Mother Earth, tearing down natural habitats for profit, and making exotic animals: pets, rare delicacies, tourist entertainment......

Whoa...let’s table that topic for another post...Earth day is right around the corner, you know? 

Fine...but you get the idea. 

****End February Conversations In Head****

Did my February tête-à-tête sound anything remotely close to yours? Yes? No? Whatever...c'est la vie. February is over and I feel lighter...that’s all I’m saying. 

My creative spark is back and it only took one song. My anxiety has calmed down and it only took one IG video. Inspiration is back and it only took one interview. A memory was ignited and it only took one photo. Chaos has rendered and it only took one short month. 

Only one life to live...one step at a time. 

🎧Music Inspiration For Post🎧

Into the Wild by LP

Bonus Song: 

Line by Line by JP Saxe and Maren Morris