Sleepless Nights at The Chateau...Visualize

 When I say it’s been one hell of a wild ride this month, that’s no exaggeration. I have said on repeat, “Someone pinch me...this can’t be happening?” Because that’s exactly what has happened. Things I’ve been hoping for and wishing on every night since I can remember are coming into fruition. 

I can’t even really describe it...because I have no clue why the fuck this is all going now? Especially now. Shit. Like. This. Doesn’t. Happen. To. Me. And I’m not complaining...I’m over here like, “Hell yeah...I welcome you with open arms.” 

Still...I can’t get over the surprising manifestation of it all. I’m shook y’all. 

Smiling and stoked but shook. 

I have put a huge amount of effort into the things I want my life to include and I got especially descriptive last year. I guess you could say, being in a locked down state...gave me no other option than to truly focus on these other tasks at hand. Tasks, before the pandemic, I dismissed  then got angry when they didn’t magically appear. In 2020, I kept a steady focus...my eyes never veering far off from the path I wanted to be on. 

I focused then I worked. I focused on the dreams I believed unattainable but got to work because a part of me knew that if I truly put in the time and energy, these things that never went away would come full frontal. 

Then after the work was done, I left them up to fate and chance. 

And then sat back in amazement as they all started to unfold this month. I watched as the sun started peeking through doors I always assumed would stay shut. Not because I ever closed them but because these doors were heavy and massive and little ole me wasn’t strong enough to pry these suckers open. 

This month began with a reverberated astounding loud “Yes.” 

Yes. That person you were looking for will finally be found. Yes. Your blog will find its way to the country where you wanted it to be read. Yes. What you asked for when you started your photography page will  go down. Yes. Yes. Yes....any other concerns or questions? Give it time, those will come up daisies as well. 

This month I have been left speechless and I’m never speechless unless I’m raging mad and then I fall to silence. No...this month...I haven’t been mad at all...the silence is from shock. The silence has fallen to gratitude. The silence has brought me full circle. Full stop. 

To get into the lovely welcomed weirdness full of universal wows...I have to first say this....

The universe is one cheeky bastard and works solely in its own timeframe. If you want your magical breakfast served to you right at 9am on Tuesday of whatever day...hold on to your knickers and go get a snack...’cuz you are working for the universe, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. 

It’s coming to you when it’s coming to you...and you can get mad and angry and pissed if you want, but that won’t do much. It won’t speed up the process or get the universe to move its ass. This will only make the universe move at a snail’s pace. 

And with that said, I’m almost certain the universe is a Taurus...because we know far too well that forcing us to make a move when we aren’t ready, keeps up standing still. We ain’t going anywhere. 

IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING...AND IT’S MEANT TO HAPPEN. It. Will. It just isn’t going to happen right away...patience is key. Patience is your best friend. 

So how did all the “yeses” start with a simple request? How did all the “I wants” turn into, “I haves?” 

Plainly put...I never gave up. I never stopped visualizing. 

And no I just didn’t throw my laundry list of desires into the air and leave it at that. I’ve been working on these things for a damn long time. This is the part of the law of attraction no one tells you about. The gurus will have you believe getting what you want is as easy as snapping your fingers. The gurus don’t want you to believe that part of your goals being reached will take effort and will. 

They will tell you...your energy field is off. Pay them to get it corrected. They will tell you that you didn’t really want what you wanted that much to begin with...pay them and they will help you figure the blockage out. 

They will tell you that you are letting fear and negativity get in the way. 

Okay...partially true but even if you are the most positive person in the world, shit happens, you have free will and if this L.O.A shit was so easy to come by...then everyone in the entire world would be a goddamn millionaire. 

We’d all be with our chosen soulmate for life, we’d never get sick or ill, we’d never go without. WE WOULD HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT INSTANTLY..without even trying. 

So back to my question or yours by now...how does this month, the entirety of last year and in fact the last 20 years tie into the manifestations of present day? 

Well...holy shit...get settled in ‘cuz it’s a doozy, my sweet baes....and I’m about to tell you. 

You might even need a cocktail for this one. Because I damn sure have had a few. 

I’ll wait. Make your faves. This story deserves only the best. 

***********************************

Ready. Set. And let’s go. 

Welcome to a chapter about my past. 20 year old me...barely aware of real life....barely awake to even scratch the service. 

This is a story about someone coming into my life and setting a wheel in motion...as often times many of these same tales we all tell are just the same. A person, place, or thing...becomes a life defining moment that ultimately changes your life forever. 

In 2000...it was Ibiza...it was M. 

In 2011...it was a suicide attempt. Meeting a friend and a celeb who both taught me to finally raise my head. Meeting myself head on...and started a long necessary climb back up. 

In 2013...it was meeting my husband. 

In 2017...it was everything crashing down in front of me...then having to rebuild. 

In 2018...it was my wedding. 

In 2019...it was the death of an ex. It was my trip to Europe (specifically the city in which I was born), Iceland, the show Vikings and being introduced to Ivar/Alex. 

In 2020...it was the pandemic. 

All moments of equal importance. All moments that gave me the strength I needed to finally let go. To finally understand that I had no control in how the universe delicately handled me. All moments that became missing puzzle pieces of this grand masterpiece I was trying to create. My life. My story. This is me. 

I’m not going to go into each one of them...just a select few...the select few that are directly linked to the here and now. 

Then vs. now. 

The Year 2000

I had just turned 20. I was set to do what many a kid my age had done before me. I was going to backpack through Europe for about two months. My first time back since leaving at age 2. Not my last in 20 years but the first. I guess in a way this maybe the reason so many memories stick. You never forget your first time with anything....but this trip just like the one to Europe and Iceland in 2019...held greater weight. 

This trip was never originally planned for me. It just happened. I wasn’t even thinking about trying to accomplish such a thing but a few months earlier. I found out the guy I had been faithful to for four years, cheated on me with 13 people. Some of those lucky 13 were friends. My heart was broken. My anger pushed to the max. 

Do you know how awkward it is to be sitting in an AIDS clinic, worried that they only person you’ve been sexually active with might have given you a deadly disease? The doctor who took my blood was even perplexed as to why I was there until I told her why. She started tearing up and said, “You poor thing?” Ain’t that the truth...me...the poor thing...my health potentially at risk because I trusted the wrong person. Because I was never enough for that one person. Because breaking up with me was harder than just sleeping around with everyone that wanted the DJ with beautiful eyes. 

My ex had a fan club...and most of them hated me and sitting in the clinic alone I understood why. I was in the way of the guy they all wanted to date. Ladies, you could have had him...had I just had the strength to let go and stop forgiving. 

You have to understand one thing about my ex and I. We had a magnetic pull on one another. He wanted to stick his dick in everything but never wanted me to leave his side. When you are 20...that does damage to your self-esteem. 

I look at old pictures of myself and how I used to think I was so ugly back then? In my younger head, I thought...”No wonder he never stayed faithful? I was skinny. I had frizzing hair, I was nothing compared to the club girls my ex was surrounded by. I wasn’t enough.” 

Those were the words I used to tell myself. I mean...I still have issues when it comes to pictures of me but I’m more like fuck it, I’m 40 bitches....I DON’T CARE!!!! And now when I go down memory lane...I wanna jump in these photos and hug that girl looking back me. I want to tell her what amazing woman she has become. I wanna tell her she’s beautiful inside and out and that will lead her far in life. I wanna tell her that no matter how dim that light gets because it most definitely will, to never dismiss her strength. I wanna tell her to stop this mess because it will lead her down a dark and lonely road. Then again would younger me ever really listen to that advice because with every story...there is always a struggle to overcome and these were mine and the weak me needed to be weak..it was the only way I ever learned how to become strong and mostly lol...love the skin I’m in. 

I tested negative for H.I.V. My mama...at her wits end with the ex...decided she wanted me to hop on one of her student trips she was leading over in Europe. She said I could bring one friend. That friend and I decided to make an odyssey out of it. I am forever grateful for this part of my story. 

***sidenote***

If you are sexually active protect yourself. Don’t be like me and naively believe the person you’re committed to, is on that same level. If they have an issue with this choice...MOVE THE FUCK ON!!! Your health isn’t worth any partner. Just saying. 

******thank you coming to my TED Talk. 

***p.s...Europe I belong to you. I will get back to you one day. I promise. These goals became so much stronger this past year...like a fucking smack to the face. And I know just like all I’m saying in this blog post right now, this too will come into fruition. Everything always does...eventually.***

My mother up until 2020, when the Coronavirus hit, was a travel guide. She organized and led student trips all over Europe and the states and after the ex debacle, she wanted me to see the world. She wanted me to get away from the ex. She wanted me to experience life. And in this trip...I did. I discovered a part of me the ex took away. 

She also new that somehow not even the clinic wake up call, would take me away from my ex. I’d somehow would forgive him just as I always had. Oh yes....the 13 were the only ones I didn’t know about. This hamster wheel went on for four years because the ex could smooth talk just about anyone. Including me. And anytime I did walk away he made grand romantic gestures to win me back. And I fell for them hook, line and sinker but for the most part, I was so down on myself I truly believed it was all I deserved. 

It’s why when he passed I mostly mourned silently. To the outside world, I was a dumb little girl that wanted a guy who never wanted me. At least that’s what an ex friend said to me once...and that shit stuck. So saying goodbye was a double edge sword. 

Coincidentally, my dad was living in Germany at the time of this Europe trip so the plan was: be with my mom for seven days then go off on my own with my girlfriend...to end up at my dad’s for two weeks. 

Trip paid in full for both my friend and I. No wasn’t a possibility...nor was I an idiot to pass something like this up. 

We said goodbye in Italy and headed onto to Spain to meet up with my friend’s friend. Where we would stay the night in Barcelona then head onto Ibiza for three nights. 

Before we even go into the Ibiza adventure let’s get one thing straight about my girlfriend...she absolutely stunning. When we modeled together, the agent loved her...while simultaneously telling me to get a nose job because it looked to ‘ethnic.’ I fucking love my Greek nose and no I never got my ethic traits removed. They are part of me. Take it or leave it. 

Anyway my friend...she’s gorgeous. Heads turn anytime she enters a room. I remember getting off the bus with her in Paris and she was bombarded with photographers. I think they thought she was famous....and they’d be right. She’s not really famous but in my heart, the woman is a fucking star. She’s smart, funny, dependable...just a good spirit to be around. And I can’t imagine this trip being experienced with anyone else. We took Europe on by storm. 

The first night we were in Ibiza...I wanted to opt out and catch up on sleep. I didn’t get a wink on the train ride from Italy to Spain and when we arrived in Barcelona, we didn’t stop. In 48 hours I had had maybe three hours of actual sleep. And again...being a Taurus that doesn’t work...but I’m a team player and did what I was told. The gals and I went out. To the beach, to the Centro, to Pacha. We crashed hard that night as well. Yay! Sleep. Still not enough though. Lol. 

Next morning we headed to a beach and relished in all things Ibiza. We watched the sun go down. We danced in a foam party. We came back to the hotel to rest up, freshen up, and get ready for a night out on the town. 

That night, we headed to the Centro again. Except this time we met a group of people who practically took us under their wings. They merged us with their group. We got chauffeured from one spot to the next. We became buddies. 

Ibiza is the most inclusive place I have ever visited. So many people there have the same mission-they want you to have a good time. They want you to be surrounded by love and acceptance. And we were and it was glorious. 

The Centro-as you can tell from its name is the part of Ibiza that is a gathering point. Shops, eateries, bars, and where each club has its parade to promote that night. Our ultimate plan was Manumission. That’s all we had on the roster...everything else was open for possibility. 

The group we were with also wanted to go to Manumission but before hand they wanted us to go to another bar prior to Manumission opening its doors. So collectively we all agreed on this plan. 

As I was walking through the Centro, I got grabbed by the arm and pushed against a wall. Some dude started kissing me. Nowadays, this would be considered an assault and for the record, I wasn’t into it and got away as quickly as it happened. He separated me from the group I was in like a kidnapper in the night. It was that quick and with force. Older me would have kicked him in the balls and ran away. Younger me...didn’t understand what the fuck was happening...yet hated every second of it. Not to mention, I’m not cool with randos sticking their tongues down my throat.

I have personal space issues to begin with but this type of cockiness goes beyond that. Violation, my dude. Next time...fucking ask. 

I have to mention this guy because he shows up later in my story. 

My girlfriends and I are at the one bar with our new found friends. Waiting patiently for the clubs to open. My gals were dancing and I chose to rest and people watch. A favorite activity among dancing, taking photos, writing, and reading. 

I was sitting on a speaker...bouncing my head and seat dancing. 

Across the room, I saw a set of eyes staring back at me. Although...because of the ex...I never believed those eyes were staring at me. I just figured they were staring at my friend and her gorgeous ass and I just happened to be in his eye shot. 

I thought nothing of it. 

The night went on. 

It was time to head to our next location-Manumission. A giant venue with what felt like a billion rooms. 

On our way out, the person I caught staring was staring once more. Again...I thought he wasn’t at all looking at me because my girlfriend was in front of me. 

Surely, he wasn’t glaring at me? 

Have you been to this island...do you know how many beautiful woman go here....have you seen my girlfriend??? 

No way. 

No how. 

I’m the American girl that looks frumpy compared to all these European beauties. 

I’m the girl the ex...cheated on repeatedly. 

I’m the girl that never saw her own potential. 

There was no way in hell this exceptionally good looking guy was checking me out? 

Except...it became plainly obvious it was me, that in fact, he was staring at. His eyes followed me all the way down the stairs that led outside. To the point..I tripped on the last step and stumbled into my girlfriend. Yay! Clumsy me wins again. I laughed, looked up and he was hanging over the banister smiling back. 

Okay...you can question why I didn’t turn around and run back and tell him exactly where I would be and to come find me? 

But again understand nothing like this has ever happened to me. My self-esteem was saying, “you’re not pretty enough....he’s not watching you personally...he’s people watching and you just made a fool of yourself by running into the person in front of you.” 

I was taken aback. 

Between this guy, the guy who started kissing me in the Centro, and the girl that stared me down once I caught my balance...I was dumbfounded. 

Something about the Ibiza air had euphoric scent and apparently I was wearing it and had me all sorts of discombobulated.

My friends and I arrive to Manumission and dance. For an hour we dance. We peruse every room and dance in every room. Leaving no space unturned. We never stay put for very long. We were all over the place. There was so much to see and experience. How could we? We all had Club A.D.D. 

Then suddenly the guy from the bar....is standing next to me to my right. Not at all invading my space but watching from a short distance.

I continue dancing. I wave and smile. He comes closer. 

We ended up spending the rest of the night locked into one another. We talked. We danced. We laughed. I learned he worked or owned a Pita type sandwich shop in the Centro. I learned he was from France and his friend was from Miami. I learned he was a Leo. Go figure with the Leo shit...I can’t escape this sign for nothing. 

Anytime we did separate for any length of time, he somehow found me. This place isn’t small and it’s packed with people...BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS people . 

In one room I saw him standing above in V.I.P watching me again...this time to only come down and post up. Never leaving my side for more than a drink. 

As the sun was coming up, my friends and his wanted to go to Space. A venue that opens up in the morning. 

For the record...I’m so glad I experienced this place when I was young. I’m a night owl but I tell you what...the energy here is some Energizer Bunny type shit. 

Something my 40 year old self probably could not do. I’d try but I’m not sure I’d make it all the way through.

I mean...I can stay up all night and watch the sunrise no problem...in fact this month I’ve seen more sunrises than I would have liked but that’s the way my body works sometimes. However, there is a difference in just having insomnia and going full blast at a rager of a night.

As M and I were walking out, he grabbed my hand and led me to the door. Right as we almost approached it, the guy who forced a kiss on me in the street earlier appeared, grabbing my hand to pull me to him. M, felt the tug and looked at him then me...French words were exchanged and for about a minute I was being fought over.   An action that has since never taken place. An action I will never forget. 

I yanked my hand away from ole aggressive and fell into M’s arms. M pushing the guy away and leading me outside. 

We ended up going back to his house. His friends wanted to freshen up and then we would all head to Space. I just wanted to hang with M. We arrive and I ask to use the washroom. He leads me there. Showing me pictures of his life on the way. Then suddenly he grabs my face and kisses me. It was beautiful. It was a moment I wanted too. After hours of getting to know someone...instead of like the other guy who just assumed. 

We head to Space and dance for a few more hours. By mid morning I am absolutely exhausted and so are my girlfriends. I tell M goodbye but we make a plan to meet back up that night at Pacha. 

Unfortunately, my two girlfriends as I fall into comas..only to awake in the middle of the night. Much past the time I told M I’d be at Pacha. My girlfriends decided to stay in and I was going to too but I also wanted to find M...just in case. So I threw something on and headed to Pacha which thankfully was right next door to where I was staying. I looked for M. I spent an hour or so looking for him but didn’t find him anywhere. I went back my hotel thinking that was it. M and I hadn’t exchanged information. I would never see him again. 

The last 24 hours would be it....and if that were the case...I was okay with it...it was still a fabulous 24 hours spent with an equally fantastic spirit. 

No doubt I was bummed but what could I do? He didn’t know where I was staying and if I showed up at his Pita shop, he’d probably think I was an insane stalker. 

I went back to bed. Sad and disappointed. 

A few hours later I woke up to the morning sun. Still sad and disappointed but not letting it damper my day. 

I opened the hotel door to go run and get some food. A note was left at the doorstep. It was from M...he found out where I was. He showed up at Pacha and did exactly what I did...he looked for me like I had looked for him. He left his information and told me to call him. 

So I did. 

Later that evening which was my last night in Ibiza, we met up. My friend’s friend didn’t want him staying the night...which I understood and respected and I wasn’t risking missing a flight to stay with him at his place so I asked him to come hang with me at my hotel. The girls didn’t want to do anything expect lay low and pack. I was fine with that...we just partied for two days straight and I like recharging. 

And luckily M had no qualms about chilling at the hotel either. It seemed as if it didn’t matter...he just wanted to be where I was at and I felt the same but with restraints and restrictions attached. He obliged no problem. 

For the record though...I could have slept with him...I’m sure...I’m just not into sleeping with someone I don’t really know or sleeping with someone who’s not at least going to wake up next to me the next morning. That’s the romantic Taurus in me. It’s silly but the truth. 

I’ve never had a one night stand because my Taurus side isn’t into the idea. 

We spent the entire night talking and making out pretty heavily though. The world could have been crashing down around us at this time but it didn’t matter because we were at least watching that happen together. We, for those few hours didn’t notice anything else except the other person. 

As the wee hours carried on, the clock was quickly approaching our departure. We held each other for a while. We were both sad about saying goodbye. We hugged for what felt like forever at the door. Before he left, he gave me his address and phone number and the business card from his Pita restaurant. 

A business card I didn’t find until 2018. A business card I found that somehow managed to make its way cross country with me when I moved. 

A card I found after an argument I had gotten in with my husband and decided to take my anger out on cleaning. 

M made me promise I would write and I broke that promise. It was a promise I was happy to keep but fate had other plans. 

This was pre-social media and pre-cell phone era, by the way and all I had of him was a picture and this piece of paper and because I was caught up in emotion of it all, I never exchanged my information. 

I stuck his info into my journal. Kissed him goodbye and told him...I would write him as soon as I could. 

On the train to Amsterdam, the piece of paper with all his information fell out. It was the last place my journal had been opened before opening it again in Germany to get my last thoughts out about this journey I just took. To write a letter to M. 

On the train to Amsterdam, I filled the pages with thoughts of what just occurred. And part of me wishes I never had. Part of me wishes I would have waited. But just like here...I wrote out this same story. Exactly as it happened. 

I have repeated this story several times throughout 20 years. To anyone who mentions Ibiza or French guys named M or all night island dancing...or anytime anyone wants to hear a crazy but awesome tale of my travels abroad. 

I was so disappointed. The guy that made me feel so good about myself, the guy that asked me to please write would never know just how much those 72 hours meant to me. 

He would never understand exactly what he did for my self-esteem during a time when I had none. He would never get to hear that because of him I would come back to the states understanding that I was desirable and the ex that cheated on me wasn’t worth my energy anymore. 

He would never get to hear that my mother’s mission was fulfilled to the nth degree. 

For 20 years I have been searching for him. For the first ten, I was hopeful that if we found one another again...we’d end up together. That would be it. For the last ten, I just wanted to find him just to see if he was real and this wasn’t all just part of an alternative reality I conjured up. A figment of my imagination. A magic Ibizan unicorn. 

And every year or so since 2000 and losing the address, something about him has always popped up. In my early 20’s, I watched the news about a plane heading from Spain to Paris crashing, killing all passengers and my heart sank. 

I was petrified he was on that plane because in our conversations in that Ibizan weekend, he said he was becoming restless with Ibiza and was looking to move back to France. 

Every year or so something about him would stare me straight in the face...the exact way he did the first night we met. 

In 2018 I even found two You Tube videos with him in them. Again...another shocker. One in which you see us dancing...it’s a quick pan but it’s us. The other he’s walking towards a camera. There were cameras at both places and they were filming everything. And believe me when I say the one video where it’s just him, I spit my drink out in utter shock. I wasn’t searching for him...I just sometimes go into You Tube holes and they lead me all over the place. 

When I saw that video, I sent to my girlfriend from that trip and gave her the time stamp and said, “Look at what I just found?” 

Her response,

“Holy Shit...it’s European Hottie!” 

I searched again that night and to no avail...I couldn’t find him. 

Years pass....life goes on. 

Timing and fate step into current day. 

This past weekend after an already weird but fantastic month of the universe speaking to me...I found the movie Ibiza on Netflix. I decided to watch it. I felt like I was watching M and I. 

This time...I didn’t search for him. I just sat with the memories and smiled. Telling myself if our friendship was meant to be then somehow it would find itself to me. 

Oh the things I wanted to tell him. 

A few days after the movie, someone posted another video of those Space days in an Ibiza FB group I’m in. 

I commented, “One of these days...I’m going to look down and find M saying something here.” I didn’t and haven’t. 

but....

“Okay...universe...I’ve tried so many times before but I guess you want me to look once more.” 

This time I just put in M Ibiza and said aloud...”I will recognize his face immediately. I will feel it in my gut.”

Five profiles down. There he was. 

Older but still him. 

Before you get all...gooey eyed and root for a fairy tale ending. I’m not seeking him out to start a relationship. I’m happily married. To another Leo actually-told you this sign gravitates to me. 

Also...he doesn’t remember a lick of this! 🤦🏻‍♀️...which I was sure he wouldn’t. 

He’s an attractive dude that lived on an island where beautiful women from all over the world gravitate to. I’m sure this wasn’t his first time hanging out with a tourist and showing her a good time. 

Yea...it sucks but I’m grateful he was honest. That speaks volumes. The truth...regardless of how much it cuts, is still better than anything false. 

Still...though...and I’m going to be honest...I wish he would have remembered something. Just a glimpse. I’m sure though...one of these days, he will. It will all hit him. The same way it’s carried on with me for 20 years. 

He will suddenly remember that weekend...he will remember the way I did. 

He’ll see something and the fog of this memory will lift. 

But truth be told...after hearing he doesn’t remember a thing....I’m actually stoked I didn’t sleep with him after all. 

That would have been completely fucking tragic. Amirite? 

Regardless...I’m not trying to be that woman who appears like they are hitting on someone else’s partner. I didn’t ask if he has a significant other or children...because I hate these questions just as much as I hate the question, “What do you do for a living?” 

In case he does though, I come in peace. I’m just here as a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just an old friend that thinks very highly of someone fro their past. 

At the same time I’m not trying to destroy my marriage over a three day adventure and sweet beautiful story. 

Mine and M’s path was a soulmate kind of connection. I have no doubt in my mind but the true definition of ‘soulmate’ is someone who comes into your life at the right moment, when you need them the most, they teach you things...about yourself and the world around you. 

Your connection is a bond between two people that can never be broken and you hold them in great light for infinity because of it. 

Regardless of the outcome. 

My shitty ex...was a soulmate. 

My best girlfriends are soulmates. 

My husband is a soulmate. 

And after all the trials and tribulations my life has granted me, I am a firm believer in thanking any individual that has impacted it in an overwhelming way. No matter how long it takes. Like, “Because of this...that door got shut. Because of that, this door got open.” 

Most humans often times don’t think about the impact they have on others and when someone has done something so grand yet so simple like making you feel good about yourself, let them know. Life is short. Saying I appreciate you isn’t hard...it might take forever and a day to accomplish but eventually the words will come out. They will be able to be heard. 

And honestly, if we spent as much time seeking out those that helped us out along our way, as we did those that hindered our path...the world would be a much happier place. Saying thank you takes about five fucking seconds. Patience may take ages but saying thank you is an instant phrase that should be repeated more frequently than it is. 

This month has had a reoccurring theme: things I’ve desired are happening to me...I just had to wait it out. I had to wait for the right moment for them to pop off. I had to never give up. I had to be direct. I had to work it out for myself. I had to plant the seed, take care of said seed then patiently watch it grow. 

At the end of the month, I will be showing my photography at a local venue for a few months. A goal I have longed to reach. A goal I said aloud when I started my photography Instagram page. It’s not a massive gallery but its a gallery nonetheless. 

The pandemic was my driving force. Staying put instead of being distracted by this or that...it had me focusing on my photography and gave me a compartment in which to put my heartbreak over the unpredictability of future travel was placed. 

My blog same thing but with it...I wanted one country to read it. The person in said country was the motivation for both the photography page and blog. This month it did. Now, I’m not sure if it fell into the right hands but it’s now in the universe and I have no doubt that if it hasn’t, it will. Yet again another person I have some much gratitude towards. 

And as I said, I found M. 

The universe has finally shown up and for once I’m not looking for the other shoe to drop. I’m not protecting myself with a wall of fear. I’m embracing every fucking second of it. I’m grateful. 

I truly believe everything that has occurred at the tale end of 2019 were the magical final ingredients I needed to add in order to get here. 

My past, the last year and the last month, has a purpose. 

There is something bigger than I at play. I don’t understand fully nor am I trying to. I’m taking each moment as it comes. Because...it’s hard enough absorbing it all without leaping head first into a wall just to make sure the injury sustained is real.  

My life has been full of chaotic messes. Either created by me or by other people...and in between those moments, I felt my worth. I learned tragic events that left me lost and hopeless, gave me strength to never give up. 

Never realizing until last year, that being left in the the cold was up to me to get warm. It was up to me to build that fire and keep it lit in order to get to the other side of every disaster...in order for other things to see the glow. I hold the power...I just had let go of the control. The timing of it all. 

Me, three years ago...would never believe the me today. Hell, the me...20 years ago...would never believe the me today but I’m sure she would be proud of how far she has come. 

I’m sure she’d say, “That a girl...I knew you’d get what you wanted all along. I never lost faith, even when you did.” 

Dreams are turning themselves into reality. Goals are getting closer to obtain. Gratitude is taking shotgun instead of riding squished in the back. Life is full of possibilities and along the way my head lifts, my arms are stretched out, I am saying Yes! 

🎧music inspiration for post🎧

Galantis: Peanut Butter Jelly

Reliks: Common Sense

As well as some other recent gems...

Bicep: Apricots

Def Musique: Stories

Dijon: Stranger

Phoenix: Identical 🎧🎧

P.S 

I might start a Spotify playlist dedicated to my writing. Hmmm. *taps face with fingers.