One Headlight

 Two dead uncles, one near-death Sepsis-related hospitalization, and one job termination later… Here I am. 

March 5, 2024. 

I woke up with a pounding headache. I woke up feeling sorry for myself. The headache was remedied by aspirin and my self-loathing was fixed by a surge of endorphins. I forced myself to exercise. I might be depressed but I will be damned if I gain any more weight. By the way, I am not complaining about what I look like. I might not be the youthful sprite I once was but I can hold my own at 43. 

After that… I walked to my local coffee shop, ordered some coffee and a scone, and opened my laptop. Book two got postponed until tomorrow or later tonight. It was zhuzhing up my resume that took precedence. By the way… I just learned how to properly spell the word “zhuzh.” 

Last post I spoke briefly about getting everything I want in life. And this is very true! The other thing that holds truth as everything I want has never come to me in the way I planned or envisioned. AND YET I AM STILL SHOCKED WHEN THE TOWER COMES DOWN AND I AM STANDING IN THE RUBBLE BEING LIKE, “Oh, I get it now.” 

At this point, I shouldn't be shocked at all. The craziest part of the roller coaster ride I have been on is this: in the brief moments I have allowed myself to expose the truths going on… I have had more than one person reach out to me to tell me about their own craziness going on. As if I opened the door and allowed a forum of freedom and release for those around me. I have given people a platform. Granted that is terrifying because it's given everyone a glimpse into my less-than-stellar life right now, but I am grateful I have been a voice for some that otherwise didn't have one. 

As a collective, we might not be well but together we will get there. We will try to say the very least. 

There seems to be an occurring theme in 2024. It's about removing, healing, and restarting. Although, I would have taken a less tragic way to get on this path… I am positive I really didn't have a choice in the matter. I can't help but be curious as to what awaits me on the other side of all of this. 

I understand that in order to rebuild better you have to let everything collapse. I get that. So, I can't let what is happening/or happened in the last 60-plus days keep me down and out. As my one uncle said, “You are strong!” 

The thing is at some point, I don't want to be strong. I just want to sit back and enjoy and yeah, I know one day I will look back and all of this will make all the sense that I don't see now. I know the Universe is speaking to me… I am just not quite sure if I know exactly what it’s saying to me. Sadly, it's a language I have never heard before. 

I just know… at least I am here for others in the same boat. We are all in a sinking ship, with one ore, trying our fucking best to get to shore without drowning. 

Anyway… I guess this is some sort or motivational post. Maybe… I don't know. My life is an uncertain circus ran by unruly transients that don’t like rules and living like the norm. However, maybe after all is said and done I’ll get that giant stuffed bear or goldfish that won't die an hour after I take it home. 

Who knows. Each day is a new day on this questionable ride called life. 

Love to you all. 

P.S. 

Who are you? The person who lives in France and reads this blog religiously? Who are you?