Running Through My Veins

January

🖕🏼my uncle passed away.

🖕🏼my car broke down.

🖕🏼I got extremely sick and am still very    

     sick.

🖕🏼I started the year off in a heavy state of contemplation. As in: I am not happy with my life at the moment. I am grateful for it and happy to be alive but, I want something different. A different job. A makeover for my apartment or a new location altogether. And as sadly as it sounds, yes… either a new start in my marriage or to go our separate ways… HOWEVER after almost nine years together… the latter seems like the most feasible of the two. 

🖕🏼I am ending this shit month on my period. Yippee fucking skippie. 

Now, settle down there Negative Nancy… let’s look at the bright side for a minute or two… 

✨my uncle is no longer in pain… even though I could have picked a couple of other assholes to have taken his place… that's the only solace I have. 

✨my car could have ended up being a lot worse. Instead, it was a minor fix that the job I dislike helped pay for. So even though I am having these moments of, “Where do I go from here….” at least I have a job that can pay for necessities and emergencies like that one. 

✨I will never enjoy being sick. There is no positive here. Except for maybe losing a little weight because all I can seem to eat is soup…. And apple juice… for some reason I can't get enough damn apple juice. 

✨This period is now pushing me to see yet again another doctor… because something isn't right. Yup. Even though that sounds negative, it isn't because it’s causing me to pay attention and act. 

The one positive that I hold near and dear to my heart in all of January’s madness is this… I got to see the ocean and most of my family this month. Even if it was death that brought us together… I am glad I got to see both. I needed the ocean air and I needed to be around loved ones. 

I also finally admitted to myself that I am ready to step into my next chapter fully aware that in order to do so, I might have to release certain things that I have been holding onto. I.E.… my job, my location, and most likely my marriage. And this is first in all my life I have said, “I willing to let go in order to receive.” 

Last night when I was sleeping, I shifted into an alternate life. Somewhere abroad. A simple spot. I know it was a dream state but it was my dream life. I was blissfully happy. I saw the place I was living in… windows open while the fresh salty air had my sheer curtains dance in the breeze. I felt content. I felt at peace… like this is where I was meant to be. 

I watched the sun sparkle in the sea’s reflection. I smiled and sat back and knew this was it. My place wasn't big but it had everything, including love.

The books that I had written… hard copies sitting on the coffee table in plain sight. My laptop sitting open right next to them with words that were starting another series. A magazine folded over to the middle featuring my books. 

I heard a familiar voice telling me, “Baby, I want you… come back to bed.” 

I didn't hesitate. I moved swiftly back to the voice that was calling me. 

This was my dream and ended right there. And as I write this, I feel the icky energy releasing its grasp on me. Is it a sign of what will come… because…. usually, my dreams are tiny little fortune tellers of what I should expect? 

I am ready for February. I am ready for change. I am ready. I am ready. So Goddess help me… I am so fucking ready.