Two Words

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 Two posts in ONE day! Yeah, it has been that kind of day. 


“No, baby.” Two words I just read that weren’t directed at me. It's the “baby” that kills me. Even though I know it shouldn't. The situation doesn't allow it… and in reality… IT REALLY SHOULD NOT MATTER BECAUSE I DIDN’T MATTER MUCH FROM THE BEGINNING. 


I feel dumb! I feel stupid. I feel like screaming and smashing my phone in the road but that won't cure anything and I am tired from it all. 


You know... All I really wanted was to feel secure in knowing that I held a special place. And, maybe that was my fault. 


I wanted to be this person’s “baby,” but I am just mixed in with all the other “babies” out there. What a stupid, silly word that is… baby! BABY! Fucking, baby!!! 


I hate this word now. I hate how freely it is used by him and the power it holds over me! I hate my stupid heart for caring and believing and continuing to hold out hope. I hate that I can't let go and this love just keeps breaking me! I hate that I am not one of those awful people that doesn't give a damn about people. 


If only I was a machine! 


I guess it's back to the releasing rituals I go… except those have done me no good! They only bring him back stronger as if he knows. 


Whatever, forever… I guess. 

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