That Parallel Life

 

Hello! So, tomorrow where I live is Thanksgiving. I like to call it Turkey Day and Leftovers Week because that's what it really is but traditionally is called, “Thanksgiving.” 

A lot of people are surrounded by family and friends on this day. Everyone eats, drinks, watches football, and then goes to bed stuffed and drunk. Depending on the family, it also can be considered the day you argue with all your relatives who have a different point of view about things like politics and religion than you do! 

This year, just like last year… I will be stuffing my face with a crowd of small! I don’t mind it. I am not exactly down with crowded houses or airports or family fights. It is what it is. Not to mention, I got to see my mom a couple of weeks ago and that was a beautiful trip that I will never forget. 

Besides that… I need to clean my apartment…. And I am using this holiday to do so! I wanted this to already have been done but last weekend I sprained my ankle and couldn't do much except hobble around and cry from the pain. 

Actually, I have been doing a lot of crying lately and to be perfectly honest, I kind of hate it! I hate having feelings. 

I also hate not being able to move around the way I want! Having a bum foot sucks. You never really understand how important two feet are until one of them is taken out of commission. 

But that's not really why I have been so sad. I'm sad because my heart is lonely. My heart and soul ache for something that I just don't know will ever happen. And that sucks worse than the hurt foot I am trying to heal. 

For starters, I found out my boss is leaving at the end of this year. I adore my boss and she is one of the main reasons I enjoy coming to work. I am not looking forward to her making this announcement to everyone else. 

Secondly, my job is exhausting me. As do many teaching jobs do around this time of year. 

Thirdly, I am in a constant take of panic because I wonder if this is all there will ever be for me! 

I'm trying to stay positive but trying and doing are two separate entities. I see this parallel life where I am with the person I am in love with and we are living happily ever after. I look into a different dimension and see that I am a successful author and not a struggling teacher. 

I make love and I write! I travel and I write. I hold hands with the one hand that fits me and I write. In that life, I am living my best life. 

Then, I open my eyes and I am here. In a reality, I don't want but have to accept. Sure, don't get me wrong… I love my apartment! I am grateful I have a job and that I can pay my bills. I am not kicking a gift horse in the mouth… But, sadly, I know in my heart of hearts that the other life that I dream about is the one I should actually be living. 

Again… things just get me down. I see people living the life that I want and I wonder if I will ever get there too! My book series is just as good as others. My determination and resilience are just as strong! I am a go-getter and a fighter… BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO TAKE SO LONG??? Sorry, I didn't mean it to rhyme. 

And who knows… maybe all these hopes and dreams are bullshit and just a longing that will never be. Maybe the person I love will never love me. Maybe I am not as good as I believe when it comes to my book series but you know what… I CAN’T THINK LIKE THAT! 

If I do, I might as well just launch myself into traffic and just be done with it all! I don't want to feel this way! I don't want to long for something that will never happen… but happens when you truly believe. What happens when you refuse to give up? Will you eventually get to the place your heart truly desires the most… OR ARE YOU JUST SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR THE GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENT EVER? 

Ugh… I am probably getting on your nerves right now… because I know I am getting on my own. You are probably thinking to yourself… THIS IS A FIRST WORLD PROBLEM AND BUCK UP! You’re right but does that make what I am feeling any less important? Any less significant? 

Maybe I am going through some weird existential crisis or maybe a mid-life crisis… I don't know. I just know I want something different and it just feels so far away! 

I apologize if this post isn't a happy-go-lucky-rant. Maybe later I will have a more optimistic view… for now, though, I just have to sit with these blah feelings and let them take their course. 

I appreciate you listening and I will be okay. I promise… I will. 

Big hugs to you all.