Waiting On Read

 I talked to my friend the other day… The one that has made me sad lately. Well, briefly I talked to them. 

I don't like icky emotions nor holding space for hurt in my heart and maybe it has to do with Mercury in retrograde or that something reminded me of them… but I reached out. They actually responded. They even asked if, “We could talk tomorrow” because they were about to go to bed. 

I figured that was it. I wouldn't hear from them because that tends to be a response with no response. I was shocked as hell when they did write me back the next day. They sent me a picture that reminded them of me! 

In my world, that is one of the biggest compliments someone can give. It's a tiny moment that shows you were on someone’s mind, and they go out of their way to let you know that. I appreciate those types of sentiments. 

That night I had a dream about them. They found some old photos of me and left them for me to find, with a note attached that read, “Wait for me!” 

I'm not really sure how to interpret the dream because it was a brief encounter without any context but maybe a universal message was sent. Wait for them!?! Wait for what? Wait for when? Wait for something coming soon? I don't even know. 

I told them about the dream… and lo and behold we went back to silence mode. I wanted to make sure that they knew I wasn't thinking too deeply about my dream or what it meant or that I was in fact, “waiting.” But still, nothing was said in return. I went back on read and not replied to. 

The saddest part about this whole thing is we once, in my opinion, were extremely close. I shared parts of my soul with this person. I opened myself up in a way I don't normally do. We used to talk about everything. We would talk for hours and then the ghosting began. They never had time, I became someone in the background. I became invisible. 

Today, I wrote them to let them know there is a possibility that I won't be where they are in November. Again, I was just put on read. No questions as to why or what's up.  Instead, I got absolutely nothing. 

For the past few months, I have tried to figure out what I did to have someone just come full-speed toward me and then in just a mere matter of weeks disappear as if they were never there to begin with. 

Meanwhile, I have been alone trying to figure out how to compartmentalize all the feelings of separation, sadness, and abandonment. 

I was never given an explanation. I was just put on read. I was never answered… I was just left. As if having a conversation saying, “I just don't want to talk to you anymore,” is too damn hard to have. 

I have tried to release this person. I have tried to let go and send them on their way but some gravitational pull keeps bringing me back. 

I have set intentions, done rituals, lit candles, and deleted most modern-day connections to the. Yet, I'm still here… “Waiting on read.” 

Because for some reason the universe won't let me walk away from them completely. 

I guess the reason might be this: I have lost too many already to up and leave anyone. 

I take friendships seriously. 

I love fiercely. 

I have passion. 

But in the end, I am just whittled down to left behind. And in reality, there is never a note that says, “Wait for me.” 

I guess when the time is right and the waiting game is over… everything won't be such a mystery anymore. 

Much Love, 

~X~