Part Of Me

 Hello and Happy Weekend… I have some good news. 

I got a second job! I know for some the idea of a second job sounds awful, but for me, it's exactly what I need to obtain the goals I am trying to reach. 

Goal Number One: To get Falling Free out in the world by December. 

Goal Number Two: To go visit London and Paris while my Mama is there in November. 

Even though I make a decent income right now with just one job… My teaching gig… I know that it isn't enough to do both and it was either sacrifice one or the other and quite honestly, I'm tired of sacrificing the things that I want! 

The second job is a catering gig and it's only on Saturdays. So I'm not that upset about it. Not to mention, this isn't the first time I have worked multiple jobs. Basically, I'm not afraid to hustle. 

In my dream life, my book/book series would be the only option financially sustaining me. But, right now it isn’t… unfortunately! 

Also, I need a distraction. I need an activity that will occupy my time away from the one person in my mind that stays in my mind rent-free! 

As I have said before, I have done just about everything from rituals to prayers to release this person but they still linger. Maybe a second job will help! Maybe being so busy-the same way they claim to be-will help this process along. 

Part of me wishes I never met them. That, I could go back in time and remove their imprint on my soul right then and there. Tell them straight away, “I'm not interested but here you can go bother my friends.” 

Part of me wishes I would have had a bout of amnesia and my memories of them would have been wiped clean. 

Part of me wishes I never would have found them again after 20 years of searching. And the most important part of me wishes that I never would have listened to that nagging self to go search one last time. 

I have never felt so disappointed in a situation or a person in all my life and I have been failed by situations and people all my life. This one tops the cake though. 

The way they treat me. The way they are. The way they so casually weave in and out of my life breaks my heart and sadly, I try to repair the brokenness regularly. 

The most brutal part of all of this is this… I see the truth and it is absolutely beautiful. Yet, they are blind to it or refuse to open their eyes. 

They make me feel invisible, unimportant, and like the story of us isn't as magical as it truly is. And I hate myself for holding on the way I have. 

I am just another person in their life that holds no value and that is a tough pill to swallow. 

When it comes to me, they couldn't care less if I was even there. That's how I feel anyway. Nay, that's how they make me feel anyway. 

So to the second job, I go! Focus elsewhere. Out of sight and out of mind… HOPEFULLY! 

Sadly, I have never disregarded people the way they have disregarded me. I would never make someone feel the way this person makes me feel. Do I believe this person has their hands full with life and responsibilities… Sure, but, don't we all? 

My plate is full but I make sure that the folks I care about… KNOW THAT I CARE ABOUT THEM! 

Yet, nine times out of ten, the reciprocation of this action is null and void. It is non-existent and that fucking sucks. 

It's a game of cat and mouse and quite frankly, I'm exhausted from chasing something I will never catch. 

Part of me doesn't understand why I care so damn much???? Like, why can't I be like so many heartless individuals out there? Nothing matters. No one counts. A heart that is stone. 

I wish… I WISH… I was like this for just one day! It would be a nice change of pace. 

I don't have the answers and maybe this is the answer… Nothing. 

Well, here's to the new job and continuing despite the hurt that I feel. And, maybe in a little while things won't feel so bad… Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't feel at all. 

Hugs to you all, 

~X~