Catch and Release

 

Every day I wake up thinking about one person. It's been like this for the last two years… ever since they came strolling back into my life. 

I wonder how they are doing. What they are up to. If they are well, healthy, and living happily…. And then that curiosity turns into sadness because I know they don't really care. I am aforethought. A blip on their radar and someone who is just there. 

First off, let me apologize for the dismal posts as of late. To anyone reading this, I assure you I am okay. I have just been experiencing the loss and disappointment that comes with acceptance. I am accepting where I stand and unfortunately, I have been standing alone for a while now. 

I know one day though, my thoughts will disappear. Not only for this one individual but also for everyone else who doesn't have the time. I still stand with this… people today only want to lurk. They don’t want to put effort into anything-especially a connection of any kind. 

I've never been one to walk away but I am learning that's the only thing I can do… Because sticking it out, waiting patiently, or believing in people will only hurt me in the end. 

You know, I was supposed to see this person in a few months. I am now leaning against that plan. What's the use? What will happen after? Where will we proceed? The answer to all of that… Once again being ignored. 

For the record, I would do anything to see this person if things were different. If I was shown a glimpse of caring on their end but as the saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.” And, that's exactly where I am… OUT OF THEIR SIGHT AND OUT OF THEIR MIND. 

Rejection is a bitch and I have been feeling that wrath. I have been scraping every ounce of strength I have to let go and stop and it's taken a lot of work. It's complicated but aren't most things worth anything ever? 

I carry this weight around while this person runs free and for me, my back is breaking. The only thing I can do now is release. Release them and any feelings attached. Turn off the switch and close the door to the room I have been waiting for them to walk into. 

I was never worth it to them and that's a tough pill to swallow because I always felt differently. I always felt if they came back it meant something. That fate and destiny never wanted them out of my life but this is no longer about persevering. It's no longer about fate or destiny or what the future holds. It's about finally letting go. 

I know the reasons why. I understand them completely. Still, though, this doesn't make this meal any easier to swallow. In fact, it makes it even harder to chew. 

But, what else is there to do? Maybe silence and separation are the only ways to heal… even though I truly believed I would never need to. 

Somehow I got it all wrong. I misread everything and I am taking responsibility for that. Holding on only hurts and I'm tired of this self-inflicted pain. 

I will get there. One day I won't wake up and wonder about them. One day I won't the tiny bit of hope I have will dissipate. It will dissolve and I will feel absolutely nothing. That's what I am holding out for now. 

Again, to all you readers… I will one day write something a little more jovial. For now, I'm taking a break from this blog, my personal social media pages, and anything that connects me to connections.  I'm going dark. I'm blacking out. I’m going silent. I'm going to look for myself in the sea where I was lost. 

Until I come back, take care of yourselves. Dance, love, and smile. 

Kisses, 

X

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