Lesson Unlearned

 Last night I cried. My emotions mixed with the alcohol and music, got me all sorts of fucked up. I promptly went to bed shortly thereafter. 

Mind you, I was also exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. What started the waterworks was an angry message I sent to a supposed friend. When I woke up this morning, I deleted it because it wasn't pretty and I truly never want my last words to this person to be filled with such rage. I'm pissed off at myself more than anyone else. 

The thing is, I thought I meant something to this person. Honestly, though, I thought I meant a lot more to a lot of people but in the past couple of years, I am being shown the opposite. 

I am pissed off that I am bothered. 

I just don't understand how you can be so close to someone and then all of a sudden they vanish into thin air without any explanation. 

Then again... Because I am known to do this... Maybe the signs were always there yet I chose not to see them. I chose to accept the excuses and not look at myself as deserving better... Or at least reciprocation... Because relationships in any form are a two-way street. 

I have never wanted any of these relationships to end. That's why I held value for them. That's why I deleted what I wrote. Even though I know it is the end... My goodbyes should be just as silent as the treatment I am getting... Because a reaction shows I give a damn. And I shouldn't at all. 

I hate that I feel things. I hate that I care. I hate that I got so sad last night and I hate that this person/these people just disappoint and disappear. But, shame on me for always showing up. 

It's a lesson I will never be able to learn. One day though, maybe it will all make sense. Maybe having a heart will eventually pay off... Or maybe I will learn none of these people were worth a piece of my soul after all. 

I guess time is the only answer. Time to heal, time to forget, and time to move on. 

Until next time, 

X