43 And Counting

 I just recently celebrated my 43rd year on this planet. It started off terribly but went better as the day progressed. 

I had one friend bail on dinner because she got drunk earlier in the day and ended up fighting with her husband and I had a few friends that I always make a point to say ‘happy birthday’ to completely ignore that it was mine. 

Which got me thinking... It's time once again to evaluate who deserves a spot in my life. 

Regardless, the day was good. I made it another year and my birthday was made even better by the weekend getaway that followed. 

At now 43, I'm taking stock of who actually has time for me. Not just a convenient time or when they need someone but as a whole. 

Sadly, I have been in this limbo for a minute... Weaving in and out on where exactly I stand. BECAUSE FRIENDSHIPS AND CONNECTIONS MEAN SOMETHING TO ME AND I NEVER WANT TO BE THE ONE TO SEVER ANY TIES. 

However, I have been handed scissors multiple times... Promptly discarding them rather than cutting the cord I have been directed to do. 

But now I am listening. Now I am heeding the advice. You have no time for me, why then, should I give my time to you? 

The other day I read a meme a “friend” posted about people thinking that just because we have cell phones and social media that means someone is tied to instant and constant communication. They essentially said, “I don't have to get back to you. I'm busy and will when it's convenient for me.” 

The audacity. 

No, it's not a link that you are committed to, it's called respect. Get your head out of your ass and if you were so untethered to this gadget to begin with, you wouldn't have social media or texting apps at all. Also, I wouldn't see your constant barrage of posts on the daily. 

No... Instead you literally just told a crowd of people you will treat people them like shit and they can either fall in line, take your tiny crumbs of a friendship, and deal with it... Or just wait for your ever-important bravado to make an ever-important appearance. Oh and by the way, “Like this post because I like the attention.” 

If you can check a message, you can reply to it. If you can post a picture or a story or make a point to act hard, then you can accept that some folks no longer are okay with being left on read and waiting. You can deal with the fact that you aren't that special after all. 

This is about mutual respect. It's not about “people thinking” they have 24hr access to you. 

This is about treating people the way you want to be treated and I, for one, am done celebrating some that can't celebrate me. 

I mean... MY GOD... How hard is it to just make a simple HBD post? Let's just use that as an example. Three letters that take a whole five minutes to show someone else that you are not just thinking of yourself. 

I know, tough... Right? I mean... You are so fucking busy. No, you aren't though... You’ve just chosen to cherry-pick. 

The funny thing is, most of these people in my life that are so self-absorbed come a-runnin' when they need something from me. I'm the first one they hit up when they need a shoulder to lean on, a solid ear to talk to, or a cure for their boredom and I'm here to tell the world this... Babes, I'm not that person anymore. I'm not playing that role anymore. 

The other night I had another absentee birthday friend call me late because I'm sure her life was in chaos and I have always been there to steady her back from the ledge. I ignored the call. I was watching a movie. She texted and I told her the same with the addition: I'm going to sleep when it's done. I didn’t really want to listen to it or possibly hear her back peddle as to why my birthday came around and she was nowhere to be found. I didn't want to once again have another conversation solely about her and her life and the same dramatic shit motions she has been making. Good grief, I have listened and been there long enough. 

I know it sounds harsh but taking a stand always does and it usually only sounds terrible to those that have no remorse for crossing every boundary or thinking people in their life are disposable. These words sound shitty to someone who uses and abuses meaningful connections. 

Now, I don't want to lose this girlfriend but again, you can't just pick and choose when it's okay for me to be in your life. 

And, just maybe, my absence will do everyone a little good. I'm not the fixer. I'm not the friend that can wait on the back burner. I'm not the person that can only come forward to make you feel seen and heard. This is a two-way street so just be happy I'm taking space instead of deleting you altogether. 

I don't want to see that you have written days later or that you need me when there is no one else. I don't want to be used for what I got and what I am working for and I damn sure don't want to make it a point to show I care when I can barely exist in your world. You have made your bed, now lie in it. Snuggle up and get cozy. 

I'm no longer willing to bend backward to keep us going in any way, shape, or form. And right now, silence is the only thing I got. So I hope you enjoy the quiet contemplation. 

Again, be okay with silence becoming my weapon of choice. If it becomes too much for you, you will find a way to rectify and salvage what has been lost. If you end up being okay with staying put in mute then that's that too. I just don't have the time or energy to waste on half-ass folks in my life anymore. 

I'm not overreacting or acting like I am the queen shit... I just know how I treat people and I am exhausted from dishing out excuses for actions because actions speak louder than words and I am tired of accepting 50% when I have always given 110%. 

Be better. Do better... Or sit with the consequences of losing me forever. There is no longer a middle ground. I am no longer the mat that you can walk on or the store that is always open. I have better things I can do than wait for you. 

Some of y’all have confused need for want and I am here to clear things up a bit. No one needs you... They want you. If you can't be bothered then the message becomes loud and clear. That want disappears. 

Listen, we are all busy. We all have full lives filled with jobs, hobbies, obligations, and families but life is fleeting and you better start treating those that are here like they matter before it's too late. 

Don't be that person that ends up regretting what you could have done after a person is gone. Should have. Could have. Would have. 

And maybe, I am coming across as cold but it's about time I rallied for myself. It's about time that I hold specific people accountable for how I am now. I don't want to fight or tell you off or show you the errors of your ways. I also don't want to beg for your attention... So you go do you and when you get your fill of the karmic choices you have made then maybe, just maybe, you will change. 

Then again... We can't teach old dogs new tricks so I am almost positive most of you won’t even care. And, to be brutally honest, that's okay too. 

It's not how I want things to go but it's how they need to proceed... Because I'm no longer into valuing others more than myself. 

I won't wish you ill will and from afar I will always cheer you on. I will be in your corner but you showed me what I meant repeatedly and I now have to take that into account. I have to accept that and move on. 

I'm not saying all is lost but I am saying I am demanding more from here on out. If you can't step up, step out of the way. I’ve got goals to reach, people that actually care, and a life to live with or without you. 

You can social stalk all you want. I hope you enjoy what you see... A visual representation of my life no longer including you in its plans. 

And when you wonder where I went, maybe look at your own reflection for the answers. 

All is fair in love and war and choices. 

Until next time, 

BB

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