Into The Night

 Hello, fam-fam. I know the last time I wrote I was in a somber state. It happens... I am a “feeler”... A SENSITIVE SOUL and I'm allowed to be sad from time to time. 

We all are. 

As long as I nor you don't wallow nor linger in that place for too long, sadness is okay. 

It's a completely fine emotion to experience and I actually recommend it on occasion. Feeling blue shows that you are alive, that you are human, and that you are not walking around this great earth an empty shell of a person. 

Sometimes feeling melancholy can even become a valuable tool and lesson in life. 

Just like happiness, sadness gives you perspective. It teaches you the value of things at face value. Sadness isn't sugar-coated sweetness that touches your tongue. It's the salty tear that scratches your skin raw. It's the rose-colored glasses being taken off. 

Sorrow shows you where you stand. It also allows you to see where you want to go. Whether you have been sad about a person or a situation or just something that shook you, going through it gives you strength in the end. 

I had a heavy heart because I was disappointed. I had to sit with that. There was nothing else I could do. I was running up a hill while a boulder kept plowing me down. Metaphorically, speaking of course. 

I was getting so close then switches would be made and it took a toll on me. My reactions caused by actions. Whiplash-induced WTF moments. 

I had felt this sadness a few times before and admittedly, I didn't let it roll off my back the same way I had in the past. And that was my fault. I will own up to that. 

Honestly though, I thought things were different this time. At least, I wanted to believe that they were. Because just as much as I am a sensitive being, I'm a hopeful one as well and that’s on me. 

I believe in happily ever after. I believe in fate and destiny and paths that are meant to be crossed but I also believe that we have free will and freedom of choice. 

Sometimes we reject. Sometimes we accept. And I finally had to accept actions over words. I had to reject hanging on and I had to accept letting go. 

You see, words are easy. They roll off the tongue and right into the ear that craves to hear them the most. They are romanticized versions of half-truths. I'm not saying words don't mean anything because they do but if they don't match what's being done, they are just there to keep you from moving on. 

I had to understand that my energy was leveling up and needed to leave behind what was holding me back. I have a dream and a fantasy but it is mine and mine alone. 

I had to realize I couldn't force other people to get on board. No matter how much that hurt. 

Through grieving, I understood my value. What I meant and who I was. Even though my beautiful spirit was rejected, it remained intact. Civil and glorious and shining through the gloominess that wanted to stay. 

I had to lead instead of following the steps that led me astray. Those same steps which were contradictory and confusing could become the strides I could control. It was up to me though. I could keep making the same motions that got me the same results or I could change the movements altogether and see what happens. 

I chose the latter. My heart is real and it is here and I won't ever shut it off or out but I can protect it and I can build boundaries around it. I can guard with everything I got. 

That doesn't mean it has grown tired or given up... It just means it finally resonated with what is and what can’t be changed. It's not just, “Eh, whatever,” anymore. It's, “Okay, this is how it is. This is how it's going to be.” 

Sadness is a personal evolution and I never want to change moments that helped me evolve. 

I can't wonder about what if’s. Even though I love the possibility of, “What if it can.” I just have to do. I just have to focus on other heart spaces that need to be filled. I have to nourish myself. 

Sadness is bravery and growing from it is love... Because right around the corner is your happily ever after. 

Until Next Time, 

~x~ 

Bae