Remember Me That Way

 I saw this post this morning about Passion vs. Love...

I instantly thought of my friend who recently told me they don't believe in love... They only believe in passion. I thought the statement was hilarious but that is beside the point. I now just feel sad for them and I wanted to tag them in the post but I didn't because I wasn't sure it was worth it. 

Because I'm not even sure they have ever felt true passion if that's the bold claim they can make. 

My Taurus heart cannot comprehend. As it is the epitome of all things love and passion designed. I don't know how you can have one without the other. 

And yes, I agree there are varying degrees of love but but the bond between two people, no matter the level involves love in some way. 

I also realize you can love something or someone without being in love. I am fully aware of love vs. being in love. For example, you can love a favorite food or activity or movie or song or whatever it is, without making a lifelong commitment to it with your heart being becoming invested. Extreme like is more like it instead of the actual true meaning of love. 

But how can you live as long as you do without love in its many forms pushing you forward? If you don't have love, are you really living at all... have you ever lived to begin with? 

Sure, you have accumulated all these experiences and made all these human connections but have you truly done either if you are unwilling to be allow the most vulnerable parts to shine through? 

Are you that afraid that you will get hurt that you deny the one blessing that shelters you through any storm... And, if that's the case, wouldn't that mean that you have experienced love in the most rarest of forms, and because of this and because of what came from it, the very concept now terrifies the absolute shit out of you? 

When I am long gone, I want people to remember me because of one simple act I delivered while I was here...The love that I gave. I couldn't imagine my ashes being spread and someone remembering me because I cold and frigid and had a heart made of steel. 

I couldn't fathom anyone I have made a connection with not knowing what love felt like... At least in a tiny sliver of sorts. 

And yeah... I have been hurt more times than I have been loved in return. I have cared and held space for people that never deserved it or never gave that back... Or could care less if I even existed in their world but I wouldn't change how I was. I wouldn't do things differently. I wouldn't want to turn my back on something so precious. 

I have tried and being cynical and jaded doesn't work for me. I just wasn't made that way. Sometimes I wish I was but when I try to attempt this, emptiness subsides. And, you know what? People hate it. It’s like… “You can ruin anyone but please don’t ruin her.” 

Feeling empty often correlates with feeling isolated and alone and I will be the first to admit I don't need anyone... But there is a difference in need and want. I want people. Choice over force. 

Some didn't choose me the way I chose them and that's okay. It bruised my ego but I learned about humility. Not in the sense of being humiliated but becoming humble because I wasn’t afraid to try. I wasn’t scared to put myself out there or frightened by the risks involved. I just took my shot and hoped it scored the winning point. Sometimes it did and other times it didn’t but isn’t that what life is all about. Moments where you win and times when you lose… both becoming equally important. 

I know my friend “loves” me and not in the way of being in love with someone but by way of mutual respect and loyalty. Because friendship is love. It's a piece of it. I know if my friend and I ever fell out, it would hurt us both and that hurt is a part of love. It's an outcome. It's an emotion and if that hurt ever happened, it would be a devastating blow. 

So how do I tell them that even if they think they don't believe in love, they in fact do? Furthermore, why is this whole notion bothering me the way it is? I can blame it partially on my astrological sign but that's not just it. There is a bigger reason that I just can't put my finger on. Maybe it’s because I just can't wrap my head around this idea or maybe it has something to do with knowing that stance is a defense... Maybe it's a combination of everything we’ve been through. But, there is one thing that is certain... This doesn't sit well. 

I don't want my friend to feel this way. It sounds so bleak and depressing. It sounds utterly drab and boring. Not to mention, emotionally draining. It sounds like my friend wants to walk through life with blinders on. A heavy fog looming over him. 

But here is the thing... What my friend says and does are two completely different birds. He can say such a thing but his actions don't match up. He acts like he cares and visa verse... When he acts like he doesn't love, he shows even more so that he does. In this regard, I just don't understand. 

And when it comes to us specifically, I can’t allow it. I won’t allow it. He’s not going to be the only person when all is said and done and I am forethought that when it came to me, he didn’t know what love felt like. Like I said, I don’t want anyone to feel this way if I am in their life. 

Because I just don’t believe that sentence because if I am in your life, you shouldn’t be feeling this way at all. If you do, why am I here? Why was I put on your path? 

Make it make sense. 

I guess at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter how I feel about it. As long as I know I still have love in my heart, I will be alright. 

The best I can do is hope that one day my friend will feel and understand the same. 

Until next time, my lovies...

~X~

The Bae