Let It Be

 Last night I got some really sad news... Although all day I had been riding this glorious wave of accomplishment. I finished my second book. The sequel to the first one I wrote and published last year. It's a romance, fiction series loosely based on something that happened to me 22 years ago. 

Of course, it branched off from that but that was its beginning. Its partial inspiration. Finally being done with it felt amazing. 

At first, I shared the news with a few people and then I decided to share the news on my social media... Because let's face it... This book series needs a social media presence in order to gain traction and potential buyers. 

I have worked extremely hard to get it this far but it's nowhere close to where I truly want it to be. 

Anyway, the news last night... Although I can't fault the truthful mirror I faced, was still super sad. All day I have been trudging along trying to mask my feelings and trying to forget a bond that never meant anything... Or maybe at one point it did but it doesn't anymore. That is a tough pill to swallow. A hard realization to comprehend. 

So I did the only thing I knew I could do... I removed myself from the situation. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions... Being led to feel one way... Being told to hold on... Believing that everything has its time and place and sooner or later, it will all work out for me. 

I have been promised so many broken promises that I am not even sure I understand what promises are anymore. So I just figured it would be best if I disappeared for a while. 

It seems like that simple action is what is actually desired so who am I to deny someone what they truly want? 

I know that I'm not the easiest person out there. I have a lot of passion. I'm packed with emotions and I'm as sensitive as they come. Those three attributes make for an intense and complicated person. With that said, I am not made for the weak. 

The thing is, I wouldn't change any of this... Because these very things have gotten me through some of my toughest times. 

I don't take connections lightly and I have never been one to understand one-sided friendships. You know the ones. One person is always there while the other floats in and out only when it's convenient. 

I started feeling this way. I started reacting to it and every couple of days started to explode. One day I was cool as a cucumber while the next I was a damn hot mess. 

I was reacting to actions. Had I been treated differently, the outcome would have been much different. I would not have been such a crazy person. 

I expected more because, for a few moments, I was getting more... I was getting my needs met. It was an equal friendship. I wasn't getting ghosted or tossed aside... I was making a connection. 

Or maybe I confused everything from the beginning? Every action didn't mean to have that intention. Every word meant something else. Every feeling was all wrong. 

I would like to believe this wasn't the case but where I am now, it's the only thing that makes sense. 

I got it all so wrong. 

And now it's time for me to accept the defeat. 

One day maybe... Just maybe... I will be proven something else but for now, I have to let go. I have to toss the boomerang out and hold some space for its return. 

If it doesn't, it was never meant for me, and if it does, it's going to have to be better in order for me to accept it. In order for me to hold onto it tightly with all the love in my heart. 

I hope you all had a beautiful weekend. I hope you all have a wonderful week as well. 

This will be my last post for a while but don't worry... When the sadness subsides I will be back again. 

Before I go though, just one more thing... Love with all your heart, y’all. If someone matters to you, let them know. Answer those texts, say hello and goodnight, and tell them they are on your mind. 

~x~ 

Me