That Four Letter Word

 On today’s episode of: WHAT IS SHE THINKING? 

It’s LOVE and what that really means….

First off, how is everyone doing? I know it’s been a minute but unfortunately between work and life… I just haven’t had the time to sit down and write. I also really haven’t had much to write about… either that or I just have been too damn exhausted to sit down and let all my feelings out but today apparently I’m feeling it all. 

I’m here now though so I guess, better late than never. 

So back to my initial thought regarding LOVE! What does it mean? What are the feelings attached to it? Is it real love if it can happen instantly or is love just a feeling we get no matter what the timeframe is? Can you love multiple people and friendships equally or does love get thrown out way to often and never really means the same thing by those that say it to those that receive it? 

What is love anyway? 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject lately. Mainly because it’s engrained in my soul. It comes par for the course of being a bonafide Taurus through and through and even though I inch closely to a Gemini given I’m on the cusp, the only relatable Gemini tendency I have is that of an extrovert… or not being as fixed as a most Tauruses are. 

It’s easier for me than others in my Taurus sign to be flexible when flexibility is required. However, when it comes to love… I’m all about that Venus representation. I give and want love. Most of the time, I am waiting patiently for those that I do love to love me the same way and truth be told, I am often disappointed because the love I give barely scratches the surface on what I get in return. 

I love hard and that’s my own fault. I love without fault and that’s my own problem. I love without judgment or without expecting that I could ever be loved the same way…. Because I have been taught and conditioned that that’s how it is. From lovers, partners, friends to even family… I have been shown that nothing is ever going to be equally. And that’s okay. It hurts and it sucks most of the time… but I can’t change who I am and I just don’t want to be hardened from this reality. Too many already are. 

I wish I was colder and sometimes I am… sometimes I will completely walk away like Houdini escaping his trap. Sometimes I let go and that’s all there is. It is what it is…. Someone handed me the scissors and I went ahead and followed through on the instructions given: Cut This Cord That Binds. 

But here’s the fact of the matter… just because I freed myself from whatever connection I was tied to doesn’t mean I forgot or care any less. I just did what I was told to do. I just acted accordingly. 

When it comes to a friendship running its course, I am still very much rooting for that person moving forward in their journey without me. When it comes to past relationships, I take what I learned and wish the other person well for eternity. I guess that’s why I am still friend’s with every ex except one that I have had. I guess that’s why when friendships end no one can ever catch me talking shit to someone else about someone else…. Because love in all its definitions still mean something to me. 

The other day I was told I look for problems… which just isn’t true. I just want NOT EXPECT… a little of what I give to come back to me and when I speak up about that, it’s not at all me being combative but being fully aware and finally allowing myself the space to acknowledge boundaries. Because for the longest time, I never did. 

But here’s the saddest part of all…. I have never, not once, been loved the way I know in my heart I deserve. Even with my husband. There is a wall there. Not because of me but because of him and the words that have been thrown my way during our relationship. And yeah, I get it… people say shit without thinking when they are mad and yeah, that’s okay too but those words stick and hurt and change a person. They turn someone into someone else and no matter what, piece by piece love becomes different. 

I want to be loved hard… and that’s my own fault. I want to be loved without fault and that’s my own problem. I want to be loved without judgement and WITH THE EXPECTATION THAT I COULD BE LOVED THE SAME WAY. 

I want to feel my soul on fire and like my heart is living in its own true purpose. I can’t lie… in a way… and in the last two years I have had a glimpse at what this fiery feeling feels like and because of it… I finally feel more alive than I have in a long damn time. 

Part of it is all my doing and it took a talk with a girlfriend yesterday to see that! I was explaining some things and she simply said something that made so much sense, “I hope you realize that what you are feeling and what you are going through was brought on by you and your own self. Your heart and soul wanting to be fed the same way you feed others. This change maybe has a little to do with other outliers but mostly it has to do with you… celebrating yourself and accepting your wants, needs, desires and being.” 

Here I was giving credit to other entities when I was the one doing it all. But that’s me. I’m hyper critical and my very worst own enemy. I often times never see what others do and whenever a compliment comes my way, I run like a scared little girl terrified that the eyes looking at me could reflect my own proud, beautiful green ones.

By the way… there are only a few aspects of my physical appearance I love and one of them is my eyes. So I am not all all being a narcissist when I give myself that credit. I am being down right honest with the things I wouldn’t change about myself. 

But while we are at it, even though I am my own worst judge… I do like who I am. Sure, I wish I was skinnier and prettier and smarter and funnier but I am who I am and that’s down right spectacular most days. 

Also… it comes down to love and I am working on that whole “self-love” thing slowly but surely. 

So I guess the answer to every question I have regarding love comes to this: what a tricky, enigmatic son of a bitch. It comes in so many forms and none of which can be truly understood or explained. 

Love is….

Hope you all have a beautiful week ahead and thank you for all you do and in case you haven’t heard it lately… I love you. 

~x~ 

Regina