The Siren’s Call

 When the world says, don’t… Do! 

When jealousy and doubt and all those other evils try to stop you… RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN in the opposite direction. 

Head to where your heart is trying to lead you and make sure to never look back. 

This post is brought to by life and trying your best to figure it all out. 

Today… I woke up grouchy and resentful.  I was once again pissed off that just a few short months ago, I had to severe ties with the small business I worked my ass off to build up. I was mad that I’m yet again going to a job I really don’t want to go to and even though it’s not a bad job by any means, it’s a career path I didn’t move cross country to do. I didn’t uproot my entire life and work for seven and half years nonstop to be where I am. Granted the new place I live is the only exchange worth that whole debacle. So I take all my failings with this grain of salt or tiny sliver of hope. 

But again… all I want to do is write. All I want is my book series to be what opens all the doors I have been pushing with absolute strength to open up. All I want is to be my own boss once again. And guess what??? I’m not stopping until that finally fucking happens. 

The business I created and then had to let go of was, by far, some of my happiest of times. Yea, I was constantly busy but I played by my own rules. And yea… it’s a nice change of pace to leave work where work is and come home to my apartment to relax but to be dead honest… this shitshow called adulthood is for the birds and I’m not really relaxing at all. I’m just leaving the job that pays behind and that’s all. 

However, this was a lesson I had to learn because when I go back to being my own boss, I will take what I learned and make damn sure some choices will never be repeated or made again and I had to go through that to understand hindsight is foresight. 

Hear me now though… I fully understand what I did wrong and the messages that were yelled clearly. Mostly, that falls in the realm of trusting the wrong people and secluding myself in a way where my business couldn’t survive without said untrustworthy folks. 

I believed backs always got scratched but the truth of the matter was, it was mostly only me doing all the scratching. It was mostly only me bending over backwards to ensure everyone comes out successfully… and it was only me left out in the cold once my business started to take a nose dive. 

No… next go round… I am looking out for myself. I am making it real clear where my boundaries lie and if that’s too much for someone then well, find another business to use and abuse and step on and play games with. It’s business not personal. 

There are pros and cons to everything and working for yourself isn’t always a picnic but what it definitely is IS CALLING YOUR OWN SHOTS and I liked that and I want that back. 

And I may not exactly being doing the same thing I once was but come the new year… I will most definitely be working on my own terms. Even if I have to work five tiny jobs to do so. 

Right now though, I am making the best out of whatever this bullshit I’m going through is. I know there is something big on the horizon… otherwise there would be no need for all this careful introspection. I also know what I am doing now is not at all feeding my soul. 

Being a teacher is exhausting… and even though I’m good at it… my passion for it left a long time ago. I’m now at a smaller school and with this school is a new program I just don’t understand and am having to adjust to… biting my tongue along the way. Which brings me to a much bigger gripe all around… I am convinced that whomever is behind these types of systems has never, NOT FUCKING ONCE, stepped foot in an actual classroom. And news flash people… KIDS DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOW MANY DEGREES YOU SOUGHT AFTER TO CREATE THESE SYSTEMS. They just want to be taught and be set up to succeed in this competitive world we have created. 

I went from a school that adhered to a schedule to a school where I have to let kids run free at all times. And although I agree kids need to be kids and schools don’t have to be so rigid, I also think that the way the youth of today are turning out to be, we MORE THAN EVER, need some sort of guidance and rules and to not be so afraid of the word NO! We need some system that applies a little of both: freedom and structure. 

I’m not trying to be the killjoy but let’s get real… I’m only saying NO when I know a child is about to harm themselves or someone else. Call me a “boomer” all you want but I didn’t need therapy because I was told I couldn’t run free every second or every hour of every day. I also didn’t need therapy because I could. 

And to be brutally honest, the only time you should be allotted such freedoms is when you are older… after years of adhering to all the rules you should be forced to abide by. When a kid has more freedoms than I do at 42, we have an issue. 

But let’s get off of that for a moment… it’s not a kid’s fault. Adults and educational systems as well as life has set this all up. When did succeeding become so competitive and when did competing become so complacent… when does this yo-yo stop! 

For me, it stops now. I want my fucking life back and by goddess… I’m on it to make that happen right now! At this very moment. I won’t sit idly by and wait for a participation trophy just like I’m not going to slit throats to get ahead. 

This is no longer about being lucky or not… it’s about chasing dreams and my dreams don’t involve arguing with children about what they can and can’t do nor is it about compromising what I truly want. 

My life is also about choices and I am making the choice for change. I don’t want to wake up anymore at 7am because society says as an adult this is what I am supposed to do. Go to school. Get a good job. Work your ass off for peanuts and watch every asshole around you doing nothing while they make millions. Then do it all over again. 

Fuck that! And this isn’t even about money. This is seriously about being happy and right now I’m throwing down 50/50. 

At 42 years old I should have a say in how my life goes… just like the children I teach. And right now… I am having everyone else dictate my schedule. I want to come home and relax but I can’t because I have a laundry list of obligations to get done before even being able to go to bed. My weekends feel like a 30 minute lunch break and Mondays turn into another step going nowhere. I’m living the daily grind that masked as living the dream. 

I want to break this chain and I’m not going to feel bad for saying this… but I want those chains ripped off because I deserve fucking more. You know, I used to believe that sounded so egotistical but why? Why does it… why does what I do set off the alarm bells. As if I can’t enjoy life as well? This isn’t some exclusive party created for the privileged few. 

I know for a damn fact that both: owning my own business and it being successful until it wasn’t and my book being published pissed off a few people and those people and their negative jealousy spun this wheel to where it is now.  

Because I let those energies encompass me. 

Well… here’s the thing… I am over making sure everyone who is envious is okay with my personal choices. I’m okay with cutting cords to those that can’t be happy for me thriving through it all. Get your own dream and run with it… and guess what… I will support it. 

The pandemic taught many of us that working for the man while the man makes a profit isn’t what life is all about. I’m on that train now and I’m headed to Happyville. If you can’t get on board then here’s a wave in the form of a finger as I pass your sad station. 

I’m no longer making light or being dismissive out of respect for your jealousy. 

Everything happens for a reason and my business breaking down brought me here. My frustration has led me to a place of motivation and my sadness has brought clarity. Those things combined have lit a fire under my ass so hot that I am now moving and grooving and that heat is what will propel me forward. It will also keep me warm along the way. 

Mark my words… come this time next year… this will be a different type of post. 

And if you are in the same boat… I’m here with an oar to help you get to the other side of this crazy ocean we’re floating in. 

Until Next Time, 

~x~