That Tower Moment

 

Well, my sweets…

an end of a chapter in life that I started writing eight years ago has come to an end and when one door closes, another one opens somewhere a midst the chaos that ensues. 

This is also known as Tower Moment. A giant, pain in the ass Tower Moment. 

And this is mine. 

But first a back story… and a definition for those who don’t know what a Tower Moment exactly is… 

In September of 2021, just a few days shy of fall, I was informed about this ‘tower’ moment looming right around the corner…albeit at the time, things were a little shaky already… so part of me thinks that this information passed down was just confirming what was already happening and what was going to continue to happen until this fiery building finally burnt down. 

A Tower Moment according to and I’m paraphrasing Google is this: a pivotal moment where change is thrusted upon you in a, more often than not, drastic way. 

For me, it was that! And what it felt like was running into an unexpected invisible wall that literally prevented me from moving forward on the path I was on. A path I thought I would continue to be on until I was fully ready to leave it. 

This drastic change also feels like a rug is pulled from under you. You are comfortable and okay with said rug but apparently said rug is tired of your weight. 

Ultimately, the only thing left is a change in direction. The rug is gone and the comfortable becomes unfamiliar and some what scary as well as intense. 

And in my most honest and humble opinion, during these moments things go from good to bad to even worse before they even start to get better. To pretty much guarantee that the illusions you’ve been locked into need to be released and let go of one way or another… despite your protest or refusal. 

The Tower Moment is also a signifier that the end of one life cycle is here and the beginning of another is waiting right around the corner. You just have to get through all the shit to get there first. 

But… not one to sugarcoat shit, Tower Moments suck a big bag of assholes…. most of the time. For me personally, anyway and for most of us actually. 

Some say Tower Moments can be brief or not at all that painful but for me… this has never been the case and in all my years of existence and experience with these terrible towers, they have never been easy or fun. They shake me to my core. They force me to shed layers and purge unwanted energy. They become catalysts and that point in life where new chapters start and old ones end almost abruptly. 

If you happen to be one of the lucky ones and experience a less traumatic TM, kudos to you. I truly hope that luck continues for you. Just understand one thing, most of us can’t say the same thing… so have a little empathy and not patience for anyone going through a Tower Moment. 

Now, I can’t speak for everyone but here’s my personal facts: Tower Moments have always been wretched and awful and uncomfortable. They have always been stressful and sad and disappointing. And they most definitely have changed me every time. 

However… and yes… there is a however… this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And you’ll understand that once the tower comes down. 

Hear me out. 

Okay yes, for the last ten months my TM had the ability to make me feel like I was going through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And yes, I agree… it all depends on what your TM involves but like I said, I have never experienced one that wasn’t a shit show sooo…

My TM had me experiencing all of these stages and I am in the final one! Acceptance. Which is where the HOWEVER steps in. 

I have accepted everything that has gone on and am now at the end of it. Watching the smoldering smoke die out from the ashes left behind. There is now nothing left… the weight and fear and uncertainty have finally disappeared because I stopped fighting the burning blaze and let things fall as they should. 

Just to be clear though, being forewarned about my Tower moment didn’t mean, I knew what to expect and how to prepare myself for it. I had zero inclination of what that TM would entail? Although, like I said… I kinda felt like it was already happening and I was in the beginnings of it. Things in my life just kept go awry. One hit after the other for the last ten months. 

My TM had been atrocious! Which is what led me here: having to let go, regroup, and learn some valuable lessons I assumed I already learned. Not to mention, having to start all over. Which again… at 41, I have done so many times before and thought I was passed this bullshit once and for all. 

Alas, I was not. 

But isn’t that how life usually goes? Up and down… then back around again. A wild ride full of twists and turns and jolting movements forcing you to pause, reflect and then of course, rethink everything… including the very road you were on. And I did. 

Everything stopped for me and this wild ride came to an abrupt halt. Giving me whiplash in the process. Making me regroup and relearn and finally accept that the life I was living wasn’t really the one I was completely on board with to begin with. It was just the life I was comfortable in. 

So here it goes… 

I am moving. I closed my small business. I am financially starting over. My name is the Blogging Bae and this is my Tower Moment! *add to edit… as of writing this and editing along the way… I have moved, my small business is done and I have literally started over. 

Although I’m okay with the moving part, financially starting over and ending my own small business are terribly heartbreaking. Before everything crashed and burned, I was in an extremely lovely place with life. I was saving money and I thought my business was thriving! For once and for eight years since I was 16, I was working for myself and thoroughly enjoyed this. I created my own hours and had the flexibility to pursue other passions but most importantly, I was my own boss! I very much loved this aspect of my life. 

There were times on this journey that I had to pinch myself to believe my own reality. I was, in a way, living the dream. 

Unfortunately, and these are the conclusions I have come up with during my acceptance stage, those moments of utter bliss were rare. 

They were a romanticized coping mechanism I used in order to keep myself going and lingering in this place of constant limbo as long as I did. It was what I used to motivate myself to go harder and stay stronger. Until eventually, there was nothing left. Until, the harder I worked and the stronger I got, showed me that this was all just wasted energy on my part and more for those that benefited off of my endless efforts to make my business work. This triangle became synonymous with each other. One couldn’t be without the other. The place I lived in relied heavily on the amount of money I made. My business heavily relied on the space in which I resided and the money I made heavily relied on the life I was trying to maintain. It all became too much to keep up. And when one ended… whichever one that was… the rest followed suit. 

I didn’t want to give up on any of these going into my TM but the realities behind living this dream weren’t as sweet as the ones I held onto in my head. Sure, I’m grateful for the experience and appreciate the skills I learned along the way and the only bright side to this is knowing I can pick up this business and take these skills with me wherever I go moving forward, if I ever want to again. 

For now though, I’m taking a breather and checking out for a while. I’m freeing up some time in my life because life is short and being happy is important. 

Essentially owning my own business came with sacrificing so much and no matter how much I tried to let those tiny victories rule my destiny, inevitably they didn’t last long and it was more work and stress than it was worth. 

For eight years, I have lived and breathed my business. I have missed birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, anniversaries, and social gatherings. I was basically living the Covid lockdown life before a Covid lockdown life became a thing and quite frankly, no one needs to live like that. 

In the eight years of running my business, 2019 was the one year, I actually stopped living like a recluse and started enjoying some of the fruits from my labor. Still though, I was always fully focused on my business. I was at least doing something for it every day, even when I traveled far away. There was never a moment that I wasn’t working… and even the days I had off were spent feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing something for my business. It was this double-edged sword! 

No I don’t regret those choices and started my business but neither do I regret now walking away from it either. I gave up my 24/7 career path for a regular job that I actually love just as much. 

It’s hard to accept that I didn’t fail in some way though…because ending something (whatever that is) usually goes hand-in-hand with quitting or giving up. In my heart of hearts though, I know I didn’t give up or quit in any way… and I also realize, I haven’t failed. I just decided to change directions because there was no other choice. 

Crazy enough, my TM came almost immediately after my book was accepted by a publisher. As if to say, this one story in life has ended, so this other book can begin…literally and figuratively speaking. 

I wish there was another term besides failure though that could fit this situation better but anyone out there that has gone through this, feels the failure sting and it is one of the few words that truly describes it. 

You wonder what you could have done differently and you’re sad you didn’t make that choice. You wonder if you were enjoying being your own boss a little too much and get angry at yourself that you did here and there. You wonder if you were just created to work a grind until you die and you just hope you’ll enjoy your civilian job and get acclimated to your new environment as easily as you did when you worked for yourself. You also wonder about your intelligence and your due diligence and then question why your business had to end when you know you are smart and a work horse to boot. 

You wonder what you did wrong and at the absolute core, confusion concerning all of it sets in. Until, you accept the turn of events and resign to moving on. 

You “quit” because of one important thing. Your sanity. 

Two years before this TM came about, I also kept pulling a tarot card that represented moving. Which most of the time, I just considered a metaphor for life in general. Like, moving into a new stage of life. Ya know… the ebb and flow. I never imagined this actually meant physically moving from one humble abode to another. 

Boy, was I ever wrong! And maybe that was because I wasn’t ready to move or change or endure this dramatic TM rearing its ugly head but I am certain being ready has nothing to do with Tower Moments at all. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be called Tower Moments to begin with… they’d just be called daily life. 

Earlier I wrote I wasn’t at all sad about moving… and that is the damn truth. I just wish it had been under better circumstances… without having to let go of my business in some way or having this stressful timeline to work under but I’m not going to dwell on that because… well… acceptance and well, it all panned out in the end and I’m in a better place because of it. 

Quite frankly, where I relocated to is where I have always wanted to be ever since I moved far away from everyone and everything I truly enjoyed. For once in my life I am moving to a metropolitan city. I have lived in the mountains, in the middle of nowhere, by the ocean, in the suburbs and in a college town… but I have never lived in a city… like an actual city with giant buildings and city noise and people everywhere. I have spent three nights in my new place and I am in heaven. Things came full circle. 

And after ten months of brutal hell, luck landed in my lap. I found an apartment that is simply divine and in the prime location I wanted to live. The bonus prize… it’s affordable! Something that is unheard nowadays. Especially in the city I moved to. 

I have wanted to purge my stuff and start over for a while now and when I think of it… and even though I took a step back from the Universe because I was angry with it, my Tower had to happen to get me here. To start the part of my life I always admired others for living. 

Every place I have ever traveled to, I make sure to take walks at night. I am mostly in cities and while strolling through these foreign streets, I always become so envious of the people I see in their apartment windows… living that city life. 

The life I always wanted. 

I am now going to be one of those people. That writer living in that one building on that one city block. I can’t wait to walk every where. I can’t wait to ride the metro or see live shows at a venue right around the corner from where I live. I can’t wait to take my camera out and photograph city scapes, city ways, and city life. 

Most importantly, I can’t wait to stop paying astronomical rent to a landlord that never really cared about me as a human being. I was just money in his pocket. I was how he paid for his new cars, his new home, and his new camper…among other things, I’m sure. 

Moving to the city is ironic and hilarious though because most people move to where I lived… the suburbs… to live a more affordable quality of life. Not around these parts. Not at all. I had to go to the city to do that and honestly, I’m so tired of looking at gigantic identical houses and have been for decades now. I’m so over it that I am completely content with never seeing another one. 

I’ve never been a suburbanite. I never wanted to live in the suburbs, I just always have. The closest I have gotten to being out of the suburbs was the college town I called home for 15 years. It was full of progressive people and art and culture and businesses that didn’t belong to some corporation. 

I’m now in the midst of culture, diversity, and art. I’m now nowhere close to a big box store or a chain restaurant found on every corner and this feels amazing. 

Okay, okay… the little spot I used to live wasn’t all terrible. I am going to miss certain aspects but overall, not enough to resent or regret what has come about. 

Change is good. Even if a Tower Moment is the reason that change even occurred. Even when you are hesitant or even when you are fighting it, change will always happen. And maybe they are right… whomever they are…things do happen in threes. One right after the other. 

I guess it’s easier that way to handle the messes. I guess it’s easier to pull the bandaid off this way. Otherwise you just spend time nursing a wound instead of letting it heal naturally and as it should. 

This book… the one about a woman who went out west to start something, did. And now there is so much more. One part ended in order for something else to begin. Something bigger and better and much happier than before and I’m all about writing this new personal narrative. 

I’m no longer bitter or angry or sad. I’m no worried or stressed or mad. I’m just here… with a blank page and a pen and two feet walking away from the tower that came crashing down. 

I’m here unveiling boxes of a new life I am ready to live. 

Thanks for listening, y’all and I just have to say this… I apologize that many of my posts for the past few months have been leaning on the more depressive side. Now that I am out of my Tower Moment, I am certain posts will be a little more peppy and jokey jokey. I am here to make you laugh… not want to leap off of a building because you feel my pain. 

Until next time… keep your head up and I love you all! 

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