You'll Be Fine, B

 

Hello, my sweet readers. I wanted to apologize for such a depressing last post. I know it wasn’t my usual jovial self but some days, some weeks, some years are like that. 

I’m not better but I’m getting there… or to say the very least, trying. Honestly, I have just given up and am no longer worrying. What will happen will happen and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it! 

I just have to say one thing… after I posted my last rant… I noticed a new follower on my Spotify. Because you know, music is an outlet for me. This person, although I don’t know who they are, created two playlists. Both spoke to me in ways that made me utterly grateful. I doubt they were directed towards me and I’m no longer believing in the universe creating such signs-or at least taking a break from all that-but because of you and that finding I at least was able to smile for a little while. 

Because of you… I got out of my awful mood. So, thank you. Your playlists came with great timing. 

I don’t go into that much detail about my life… because well, this is the internet and well… who wants to really hear about all the woes someone is dealing with? But, I also know that at the end of the day, I’m okay. I. Will. Be. Okay. 

For a minute, I felt terribly guilty for feeling so down because the world is a dumpster fire and things can always be worse but on the opposite side if that coin, I am allowed to feel pain and hurt because my personal life took a unwarranted and unsuspecting nose dive. I AM ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH AND FOCUSED ON MY PERSONAL BUBBLE without carrying guilt that I am only having first-world problems. I am allowed to be pissed off and not optimistic because things can be worse? I don’t always have to turn the other cheek, dismiss my life, and pit those two together. As in, “Oh Bae… things may be falling apart but at least it’s not a, b, or c.” 

I am human and I am allowed to focus on my personal life going awry rather than focusing on the world as whole. 

THE UNIVERSE AND I AREN’T REALLY SPEAKING AT THE MOMEMT! I took all my energy bracelets off. The ones with the stones that mean something and it took everything I have not to go ape shit on my altar and destroy that too because all those mementos seem to be mocking me. Maybe in a little while, the universe and I can get back to being friends? For now though, I no longer want to hear how things are going to work out. For now though, I want to stop looking ahead and actually see what’s happening now. I want the shit storm to pass and life to get back to where it was. For now, I am no longer the Universe’s cheerleader until the Universe can start being mine. 

It’s kind of weird because after my 100th go round with my book and getting it as close to perfect as I can before setting it on fire as well and almost walking away from it completely… I just realized my MC does almost the same exact thing. 

She stops believing too… because the world became terrible to itself and each other and because those she always carried on high… never cared to carry her even on low. They couldn’t be bothered. She learned she would always just be part of a backdrop. A background! Nothing more and nothing less! She to walks away from all those precious things she once fully believed in. 

My MC, like me, is going through this metamorphosis. She never gives up hope or love… but she becomes privy to the fact that those beliefs can break your damn heart. She never stops trying to be who she is… nor will I but we both have learned that maybe magic has nothing to do with anything and all those posts about this and that sign are just for likes and follows.  

My book is literally based on a personal story that happened to me. It was beautiful and it was magical! It was what I needed to become the woman I am at a time when I was so doubtful about who that was.  

He made me feel love like no other. Had I not lost that address… who knows? 

But I did and I would never change the path I have been on. Despite all its ups and downs. 

That man, that trip… the very plot to my fictional novel… gave me the courage to pack up my shit… go to college, leave the guy that always cheated on me with his barrage of female fans and find some damn amazing and impeccable relationships after the fact. These taught me love and how relationships actually work. I wouldn’t go back and dismiss any of them. Because of this trip I got to discover me after all was said and done. 

But as we all have stories to tell so do our journeys. My journey…has led me many places and I can’t be angry with this. I might be in a ten month slump with life but God willing, things will change…. Because in all honesty… once you hit the bottom there is no other direction to go except back up. 

My book right now is the only thing keeping me a float in this sea of bullshit. And, like I said… I am not going to list everything that has and continues to cause disruption in my life… I will just say this… it hasn’t been a joyous ride and I am fucking over it. And it’s real hard to stay positive when life keeps punching you in the face. 

I know, just like my last post, this isn’t the happiest of pieces but until life stops acting a fool, the bitterness is just going to sit and stay. And fuck that noise about creating what you think because despite it all, up until this point, I have thought positive thoughts and that hasn’t done shit. So yeah… we’ll just try this for a while. 

Just know I am fully aware that things can always be worse and I do in a way, consider myself lucky to a certain extent. At least I am here and alive. And yeah, “This B will be fine.” It’s just getting to “fine” I am working on. It’s just overcoming this tower moment, I am trying to climb. 

Thank you again for your support and yeah… my book officially comes out next month. At least there is that! Thank you, person who showed up with music to make me smile and thank you to all the things that have made me smile briefly and laugh a little when I all I want to do is cry. Through it all, I am learning once more how strong I can truly be. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week and yes… I too hope my week becomes the point where things start to look up. 

Until next time,

The Blogging Bae

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7MTFIUV2FHeQreeuZgnnGV?si=3e0wO0TnTfS54qKOEa8NYw