Look For Me Toward The Western Sky

 Hey, all! 

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote but trust me; I was in no position to publish anything, because I had nothing positive to say. I couldn’t be the one to reinforce my motto of ‘moving forward’ because I felt absolutely stuck and lost myself. And sometimes, that happens! Because we aren’t perfect, we are human. We are all allowed to lose our shit along the way. Especially when that shit pile keeps stacking up! Mind you most of us are so used to being on this ride solo, that we go to a dark side instead of asking for help then lash out when no one seems to understand our indirect smoke signals of communication! We become devastated and heartbroken when there is no one pushing us along, the same way we instinctively push others along without prompted or visual aids. 

…….Hello, my name is Gigi… and I am an empath as well as a fiercely independent person. It’s been couple of days since my last mental mind fuck…….

I apologize to anyone that has felt the ‘Wrath of Gigi’ in the last six months or so. Albeit, some of these outbursts have been warranted, others just came along to see if I’d flip over the table in rage of despair. Sadly, I raged the fuck out quite a few times but I only did so because I felt like the weight of whatever it was…. was completely disproportionately distributed. 

Choking back all the bullshit while simultaneously making sure everyone around you is okay, is not a healthy technique and in fact, it often only makes matters worse! I advise against doing this. Take it from me-force feeding what you can’t stomach, will only make you purge it all back out like the girl from The Exorcist and nobody wants to walk away with your puke all over them. 

…….Hello, my name is Gigi and I am an empath and a fiercely independent person and now it’s time for my boundaries. It’s been a few hours since my last mental mind fuck……

I have dealt with a lot this year and all I have to say is, thank god 2021 is almost over. The one thing that is keeping my head above water is my book and I am grateful for the raft it has built me. It’s the only positive lesson that has come out of this otherwise brutal year. Ah, yes… the steady ebb and flow of lessons, my heart breaking a few times and my soul being cut into a million pieces, was saved by this one tiny moment. I know all these disastrous lessons are associated with rebuilding and making way for what comes next, but I’m confused with what exactly I am making room for or rebuilding on… because 2021 has been anything but clear with its instructions. 

I went into 2021, ready to take on the world. Ready to handle life as it came to me. Ready to move past this pandemic and ready to embrace all the beauty the Universe had to offer. I wish that were exactly how it all went down. I wish I could be writing to you about all the fantastic things that occurred this year. Unfortunately though, the only thing that has happened this year has been perfecting the art in adjusting when I am suddenly jerked away from being so close. And while I want to run to people with open arms because they too are going through it, these puppies are fragile, shaky and weak. I can barely hold onto myself much less save anyone else thrown into this sea of chaos. Thrown from the mountain above without any training on how to dive properly into the dangerous waters below! I know it’s not my job to save everyone but as an empath when I feel people are drowning, I instinctively want to become the lighthouse in the storm-because years ago a friend dubbed me this very thing and I can’t help but take it personal when I can’t be that light in stormy weather but I also can’t help but take it personal when there is no lighthouse for me. 

Yesterday was the first time… in a long time… I have started to feel more like myself again. I don’t feel so much like all the odds are stacked against me. I don’t feel as though I am looking into a long hallway filled with a hundred doors that won’t open. I don’t feel like I want to run to my bed and hide under the covers. Because out of all the doors that are glued shut at the moment, there are three that I have walked through and those are the three that I need to focus on. And maybe that’s what this year was all about? Distractions! People, places and situations placed in my life to challenge me and see if I turn my energy elsewhere. Sadly, I bit the bait and did exactly that.

There are only three areas in my life that deserve 110% of my attention and come 2022, these are the only areas I am focusing on. Everything else is falling by the wayside. Everything else will be considered unworthy of my time. I am not trying to sound heartless. It’s just what has to happen. I feel like I am in the same boat now as a lot of folks out there-especially other empaths and independent people. And y’all… We can all agree on two things! We are fucking exhausted emotionally and we need a timeout from everything that is bleeding our souls dry. 

I had high hopes for 2021 because something magical happened in the very beginning of it and I thought that would set the entire tone for the next 365 days and in a way, it did. It just came with so many unexpected curve balls that I wasn’t at all prepared for it.There has been so many lessons in the ‘strange and unusual’ this year that at this point, I am no longer shocked or surprised by life’s mysterious visits! I can wholeheartedly say that 2021 sure was an interested one, no doubt. 

In 2022 though, I will still allow such vibes to swing by and say hello but I am now capping these visitations at a certain time limit. Once the cup of coffee has been drunk and after the conversation has been had, I’m sending these visitors along their merry way. I’m not saying that can’t come along again down the road… I’m just saying they can’t camp out and set up space. Unless they are leading me in the direction I want to go, it’s one drink and one chat per arrival. That’s it and then this shop is closed. 

I heard a lyric the other day that said, “Tell me you love me, tell me I am the one,” and I felt that but unless that energy is reciprocated, it’s just wasted breath fallen on deaf ears. It just another horrible lesson that took time away from the task at hand and personally, I have filled my quota on lessons for now. 

Hope you all have a Happy Holidays and that the next two weeks go a little smoother if they weren’t going that way to begin with. 

Until next year, this is the Blogging Bae signing off. 

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