Sunday Dinner

 Hello, my sweet readers! Happy Sunday Funday and how was your week/weekend? Mine was low key and chill. Busy… but nothing compared to the last three weeks of my life. In fact, it was exactly the recharge I needed in order to start it all over again on Monday. What’s coming up? Well, tomorrow I have a meeting with my editor about all the revisions and edits I did to my book. Which is always nerve wracking… you know… not knowing if the instructions I followed and the direction I went will be well received? Although to be brutally honest, I am certain this next round of rewrites won’t be as intense as the last one. Practice is under my belt, suggestions were met and I’m confident with the changes. It will just be tweaking from here on out. 

On top of the meeting, I am seeing a friend I haven’t seen in years. I’m so looking forward to our lunch and am incredibly grateful that the few hours she has in between her flights, she wants to spend them with me! I will also be busy with a huge work project! As well as getting ready for and celebrating Turkey Day. For those that read this blog from other countries….Turkey Day equals Thanksgiving. A day where families and friends get together and feast! It has some historical reference but mostly that’s rubbish and I just consider it a day most of us don’t have to work, eat a bunch of food the entire day and get to hang out. In my opinion, it’s also the day that marks the official countdown to Christmas. 

Thanksgiving is also a time to give thanks and I have an enormous amount to be thankful for. 

This year has been spectacular for self-growth. I have met some new friends and reconnected with some long lost souls. I accomplished two major goals: a gallery showing for my photography and becoming a book author. I learned more about what I want and how to obtain these things. I have given my voice a chance to be heard. My powers a chance to seen and my desires a chance to be chased. I have removed myself from self-doubt and the need to control outcomes. I am just riding the wave. 

I also decided that I no longer have the energy to sustain human connections that don’t want to see me thrive or give back the same energy. Sure, I will always send love and give a person the time of day for a catch up session but now the expectation is no longer there. I understand me checking in isn’t necessary and I no longer have to carry that job as the solo caretaker. I will get shuffled in with spam calls and bill collectors: avoidance at all costs. And sure this breaks my heart but at 41… what else can I do but throw up the white towel and accept it? When someone shows me where I fit in their life, I no longer question it. I no longer question my place. It is what it is.

This year, I was so excited about connections because last year seemed so closed off but then as the year progressed, some of these connections did the ghosting routine. For awhile I felt like I was lost in a void. A hidden hole. Social media being the only link. As in… you can follow, like and watch but it’s too much to handle when a conversation is to be had. This is the hate part of my love/hate relationship with social media. It’s an easy way to stay in touch without really ever staying in touch. 

The fact is, I love people and connecting. It’s exhausting but I still enjoy it. I treat people like they matter but I can’t say that’s how most people treat me. This truth is gut wrenching but it’s the facts. I’ve just gotten used to being pushed aside and overlooked. I’m usually the last one most people in my life have time for. This could be because I am fiercely independent but it could also be because people get so used to me being there whenever they need me that they get so comfortable with taking advantage of my presence. That no matter what or how they treat me, I will still be there.  

I am worth more than saving the day or curing the boredom. I am worth a genuine friendship that takes effort and work to maintain. More and more though, most of my connections are turning into social media friends and nothing else. Another person that will catch up without really catching up. I am seeing folks for who they are now instead of who I always thought they were. I am seeing what they want from me. A convenient interlude between something else. Some days I don’t even want to engage in social media at all. I don’t want to watch stories or like posts or entertain anyone’s need for the attention anymore. That same attention they can’t seem to give in return but most importantly the only attention that seems to be keeping a relationship alive. 

The old me would have gone into self-loathing mode. Blaming myself and feeling bad about who I am. Well, what am I doing wrong? Well, why don’t they want to talk to me? Well, I guess I am not pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, or offer enough… I AM NOT ENOUGH? BUT I AM ENOUGH THOUGH. I am plenty and then some and these actions just reinforce where I stand. I no longer feel invisible or overlooked… I am just a too bright of a light. 

I have a beautiful spirit and a huge heart that loves purely and without judgement. I am a locked box of secrets and truth. I stand up against tyranny and bullies and shitty people. I protect strangers, myself and those that I care about and yes, I will always be there because I believe bonds are important. But… I have to set some boundaries now. I’m not going to cut people off but I am going to cut people out. I’m not going to turn my back on folks but I am no longer going be the only convenient back that can relied on. 

This year I have evolved so hard and it’s been a magical ride in awareness. I am sincerely grateful for all the lessons and finally, the clarity. I am also sincerely grateful for this blog’s support. Writing it has been a savior and release. I see you America, Germany, France, and Portugal. I don’t know who you are but I see you and appreciate you stopping by. It’s kinda funny… last year I swear I was bombarded with all things Denmark. Every time I turned around something to do with Denmark was right in front of me. It WAS WEIRD and became a running joke. I know understand it had to do with my book. One of the main characters and an idea. 

This year, France has taken Denmark’s place. I can’t seem to escape France and if I had a dollar for every time something pertaining to France and/or Paris popped up this year, I’d be rich by now. Like…that’s how often it’s happened. I could be minding my own business, walking down a lonely side street and a damn French flag would pop up out of nowhere… because that’s actually happened… a few times.

At least at this point, I get it. The universe wants me to notice something about France. I’m not sure what but hopefully by next year when another country comes around, I will have my answer. For now, I guess I will start with a head nod… I appreciate you showing up to read my blog. I appreciate all the French folks following me on Spotify. I appreciate your culture, your way of life and the fact that you love cheese. Lol. I also respect that you are eight hours ahead of me and can throw me an eight hour head’s up in case some apocalyptic event were to ever take place. Just kidding. I don’t expect you to do that. I promise. 

Those here in the states, I appreciate you too. You are some of my biggest readers and retweeters. You are also great for swapping the soundtracks. Thank you, thank you, thank you… and p.s I’m upset too with how the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict turned out. We still have a lot of work to do as a country but when it boils down to it, America you are full of beautiful souls. 

With that said, enjoy your upcoming Thanksgiving. Don’t let that crazy uncle get to you or allow yourself to be bogged down with consumerism, stress, and obligations. Rest. Take it easy. Recharge. 

For all of you… happy holidays. I may or may not write another post before the year is over… a Christmas send off or a Christmas/New Years Eve overview of sorts but in case this is my last because I chose to lay low until 2022 is a few days in… have a magical journey! Enjoy time with each other and time for yourself. Get all that you need to get done, focus on what you want, then sit back and be thankful. You are here. You made it. Continue moving forward. 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7xwF3tF6v2M08l5IacLywj?si=_hquzSEXQBeLnkdfg39GpA

Much love, y’all 

 ~x~

The Blogging Bae