Into The Void.

 My husband went out of town last week and I had full intentions that were filled with grandiose plans for the week while he was away but then just like; my plans got derailed. Honestly, I considered this a micro holiday. I didn’t have to work but I didn’t go anywhere either. Technically, it was a stay-cation, which was fine by me. Like I said, not having to work was the most important factor but instead of partaking in some solo adventure, I opted to be as productive as possible on others tasks looming over my head. Yes, I am one of those people that will opt for catching up over venturing out-especially if it’s relatively important for me to stay put. My husband went on a dude’s type trip. He was scaling mountains and riding wild rivers so to be somewhere I can’t be reached incase of an emergency, wasn’t the wisest of choices. To be honest though, I didn’t mind one bit being homeward bound. I wasn’t looking to do anything wild or crazy anyway. 

Personally, I just wanted to cross some items off my list. 

This is how that went…

I wanted to work on my second book of the novel series I am writing and I did. A few chapters in and this baby is getting there.

I wanted to submit book one of my novel series to more publishing houses and I didn’t do that at all. Except for this morning when magically a publishing house appeared on my Facebook feed and I took this as a sign. 

I wanted to clean my house because it was a disaster but I  chose to pick up the more important rooms instead. Quite frankly my house isn’t that dirty though, it just needed a little TLC and to be organized. 

Maybe you can relate, but for me, when I know I have a list of things hovering over me, it’s hard for me to relax and it’s even harder for me to indulge in something frivolous when there is work to be done. But let’s get real for a second… THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. So I am learning how to balance this and sit and do and repeat this process all over again. Essentially, taking it easy usually doesn’t come easily for me. It never has even though I am trying to make it so now. Unless I am traveling, of course. With that said, I’m trying to figure out who pinned the Taurus sign as the lazy one?  Because… WE ARE NOT. Not even close. 

I couldn’t feel that bad about a list getting halfway done and my grandiose plans taking a different turn because for starters, that’s life but also before my husband left-we both worked like mad. For about two months straight. It was long days and nights of physical and manual labor. It was business in the front and no party in the back and I know I can make myself feel like a slacker because only two chapters of book two was written or the house was only partially cleaned or that the last day of my husband’s vacation was the only day where I submitted my first book to another publisher but why should I beat myself up that way? Why should I feel bad or like I failed? The house will always need to be cleaned, my second manuscript will get completed, and all it takes is one publishing house to make this goal a reality.  

So instead of feeling guilt, I decided to accept this past week as a partial victory and I’m okay with where I stand.

However, looking back-I needed this week to be a little less jammed packed with the honey-do-list and more focused on an important emotional task at hand. Which pretty much goes It goes along with being available! For my husband. For my friends. For my family. Basically, anyone that is trying to reach me at any given time. 

For the past few weeks I have been tossing about where I stand in certain people’s lives? As of late, I feel like I am speaking into a void. The void being my phone or laptop. The epiphany that came full frontal is this: 95% of the people in my life will never reciprocate the energy I invest into our human connection. 

Now before you get all sad for me, know this…. I will be the first to admit it: I am a texting woman, a talker, and a social media active participant. First of all, I live across the country from most of the people I care about so I rely heavily on technology to keep most of those relationships afloat. Secondly, I am a social media brand ambassador as well as a writer and photographer. I can’t survive in these fields without some form of a social media presence. Thirdly, I own my own small business. I use email and my phone daily. To say I depend on technology for just about everything I do is an actual understatement. It is a lifeline and both my laptop and phone are never that far from my side. 

I fully understand not everyone is like me but I also almost guarantee that 95% of the human population stays glued to at least their phones the same way I do. It what connects everyone to the modern world. Most people in today’s age aren’t that far away from hearing that notification bell ding and this is coming from someone who has turned those tiny chirps off but here are the straight up FACTS..none of you have decided to live in the dark ages. Your technological devices and your social media apps have become a part of your current world, just as much as mine. If you say you aren’t addicted to your phones or social media the way I am, I am still going to call bullshit because You Tube, TikTok, Snapchat, or any other outlet that allows you to connect with the outside world, still counts. Even your Spotify or iTunes counts. Telling me you aren’t connected in the same breath as showing me a video you found online is the equivalent to the ridiculous statement, “I don’t watch TV” while you pay for those Amazon Prime Video, Hulu, or Netflix subscriptions. They are the same bird sitting in the same damn tree. 

But when it comes to actually staying in touch when using these nifty little gadgets and apps, the staying in touch part seems to be somewhat null and void. The “I’m too busy” phrase comes out. I don’t believe the “I’m too busy’ mumbo jumbo… even though it’s an excuse that often gets played on repeat… and this has made me question, nay debate, just how busy people truly are? I’m not saying no one is as busy as I am but if I can somehow manage my the time to communicate, then I fully believe others can as well.  

I have said this before but I will say it again…no one is that busy, they just choose where to place their energy and for whatever reason the ‘I’m too busy to respond’ response has become a viable go-to crutch. 

I can’t say that I haven’t tried this maneuver either because I most definitely have. I have gone into hermit, hiding mode and ignored my phone completely. I am guilty of not returning texts or acknowledged people trying to get my attention but every time I did this, I inevitably felt like a shit bird right after. I felt like an asshole for not giving back the same courtesy that I was given. Not to mention, this pandemic literally had us all turning into some form of an introvert and from where I stand now, it wasn’t all that much fun. Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need to sit in solitude and refuel and recharge the soul when it’s been overwhelmed by society but I also prefer balance. I like being somewhere in the middle, nurturing both the extroverted and introverted side and I appreciate fully when people make time for me. 

Relationships in any form are important-especially now because once again; where I live but most importantly, because this pandemic has shown me how precious life truly is. In a second someone can be gone and some of those missed conversations become the most important ones. What I just don’t understand is why other human beings don’t feel the same way? Have we just gotten so comfortable with people and places just always being there?

This growing trend, this act of unresponsiveness is being used so often that it’s almost turning into something I can’t fucking stand. Like nails on a chalkboard. Scraping down that black chalky finish with long, slow strokes. 

People’s lack of responding to text messages, DM’s, posts, comments… etc… essentially any avenue that has two people communicating with one another is mind boggling. 

The other day I posted a sweet message to my girlfriend. She didn’t acknowledge it. A few months ago, I sent a WhatsApp question to a girlfriend… she has yet to answer. This weekend, I sent a DM to an artist I know about purchasing a painting. He saw the message but clearly doesn’t want the sale. The other day, I pointed out to a buddy that I heard his band on the radio where I live… it went unnoticed as well. 

Last night, I messaged a cousin-in-law about scheduling a hair appointment with her. Figured I would be in town anyway and it would be cool to support her small business. That too was met with silence. Yeah, I know… first world problems but most of us live in the first world and responding to someone is a first world common courtesy. 

Etiquette or the lack there of is really starting to get under my skin and the reason why is this: I am the first to acknowledge anyone. A passed love one, a condolence is sent. A shared meme or a sweet memory, yup I acknowledge that too. Someone is having a bad day, I send them a note to show that they are still loved.  A text sent, a response is made. Getting tagged, I come back with gratitude for being thought of. I don’t care what it is, I fucking show up. I will show you that I see you and you are important. It doesn’t take much and I am happy to show that I care. I just want you to know that you exist in my world, the way I thought I existed in yours… but I am now understanding that this just isn’t the case for so many.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about people choosing where they invest their time and this is what this all boils down to. I am learning that reciprocation is far too tough for many of you. I am learning that the five minutes it takes to respond to someone is too much handle at this current time. Hello, hello… is anybody out there? Doesn’t anyone give a damn anymore?

I guess I’m preaching to the choir though because half the world’s population can’t be bothered enough with a vaccine or much less stopping an ever so busy life long enough to decimate a global viral spread. So why on earth would I ever expect folks to be bothered with such trivial things like questions and conversations? I mean, how crazy to think that responding to someone has become the most difficult task to undertake?

I’m just at this point where I don’t even want to try anymore. At least not try with the 95% of people that can’t or won’t answer me back. If you can’t be bothered then why should I bother you in the first place? Then again, you are so used to not responding that I’m positive my absence wouldn’t be all that much missed? Because again you’re soooooo goddamn busy that my lack of existence would probably be a much welcomed reprieve. One less person you have to worry about, amirite?  

And for the record, I’m not talking about offing myself… I’m speaking in terms of disappearing from certain individual lives altogether. Stop presenting myself as someone who is there, available and waiting to take the crumbs they throw out. Once and only after they have finally cleared a spot for me.

I have heard every excuse in the book: my schedule is packed, I forgot, I am just not that great with texting, I am bad at keeping in touch. Yet, these same souls have the audacity to get upset when I throw boundaries up and walk away. These same people are running toward me when there is something tragic happening or when they are upset they don’t get included in future plans. Funny how that works? 

Here’s a reality check for you: get better at keeping in touch, stop with your lame excuses and own up to the fact that you don’t give a shit about most of the people who support you. You want to take it but you can’t give it back. If you are bad at staying in touch or you just don’t like texting or answering someone… well… fucking get over it because this is the 21st century after all and we are living in a modern day era which heavily includes communicating through social media. It involves having full conversations via texting, email or whatever platform it is you use. And if that is too much for you, go find a cave and sit in it. 

You are on your phones or computers all day doing whatever it is you do yet you can’t make an effort to reach out when someone has reached out to you? Bullshit. You saw the message. You saw the text. You saw the post… you just chose to ignore it. You just chose to disregard the person that sent it. So be it. The buck stops here. I’m no longer supporting you the way I used to. I’m no longer going out of my way to make people feel like they matter when I can’t get two seconds of their time and believe me, I am not a fan of this cold, rigid side but in order to maintain my self-worth, I have to stop the one sided love I strive to give. 

I’m no longer going to be used up in order to gas you up only to be gaslighted myself. I’m not going to sit and reminisce the great times we shared, so you can ghost the memory instead. I’m not going to rally behind you, when you can’t afford to give me that same luxury. I’m no longer going to go out of my way to ensure your business or dreams or goals or whatever it is your pursuing or peddling, is supported by me. I’m no longer going to like or share or reach out. Why should I? It’s useless anyway. All this has become is one more tick of a like to add to your already inflated ego boost. All it is now is one more message going unheard. I will divert my attention elsewhere. I will shower the people that invest in me, my love and my support from now on. 

This isn’t a tit for tat thing. It’s a respect thing and I respect myself too damn much to chase people down or to make myself seen in someone’s life. And it took this past week… alone… to understand that most of you don’t give a damn about anything or anyone except for yourselves. You won’t celebrate me or anyone else for that matter, the way I or anyone else for that matter, celebrates you and it’s blatantly obvious now. It’s called mirroring someone and that mirror no longer involves giving, giving, giving if the outcome only involves take, take, taking. 

There is this saying about, “Never telling people what you are doing” because essentially their energy will dictate how your life pans out. I hate this statement just as much as I hate the busy comment because I want to be there good or bad. I want to support the highs just as much as the the dramatic lows. I don’t believe this hoopla about not celebrating yourself or those around you because your life isn’t where you want it to be and maybe, just maybe that’s the reason I am hearing the sound of crickets? Is it because my life is good now and nobody wants to support that? Well, sorry I grew up and I’m not longer a hot mess. I celebrate my life now and I make no apologies for that. My life doesn’t need to be a chaotic in order for you to be in it and visa versa. 

You can throw out your million and one excuses all day, everyday but eventually those excuses turn into actions that become your characteristics… and if you want to be considered one of those individuals that doesn’t give a damn, by all means, keep doing what it is you are doing. Eventually though, people will become privy to your lack of reliability and move on. Away from you and the connection they are trying to maintain and when this happens there is no one else to blame but yourself. Absence DOES NOT make the heart grow fonder, it just teaches the other person to go on with their lives without you. If that heats you up, well then, change. Start now. Start tomorrow. Start sometime next week. Just start sometime soon before it’s too late. 

Before you end up alone and with no one in your corner. 

You know… life is short and when someone dies-which people do en masse-that seems to be the only time when the outpour of love comes their way. But why wait for tragedy to strike before you show someone that you care? Why wait for this to be the only time you can muster a damn minute to validate a person? Why can’t we give that same outpour of love while humans are still here? Sure, spiritually speaking, I believe that when someone passes they can hear us from the other side but damn I surely don’t want this to be the only time we have a conversation. After the fact. After they are gone. I want, while humans are still here, on this beautiful earthly plain, to know that they meant hella much to me. While they can still physically hear me utter such simple sentiments. Is this such a crazy concept? 

It can’t be. Can it? 

So while I wrestled with what to do the conclusion came to this: I will stand alone. Caring when no one seems to care back but caring from afar. I will still love but it won’t be upfront and center, at least a little while. I will go back to making sure not to invest too heavily in unreliable relationships of any kind and I guess I will accept my invisibleness and just do me for now. I won’t put forth much effort until that effort is met in middle of this truly effortless road. “And even though it breaks my heart to act in such a way. You are just too busy and I am hearing all the nonexistent words you have to say.  I’m not turning my back on you-in any way, shape or form. Instead this space next to me will only stay slightly warm. For now, I’m shutting this door where it will remain unlocked. But truth be told, I can’t guarantee I will run to it when you finally decide to knock.” 

~x~

The Blogging Bae