Recess To Recharge

 It’s easy to get lost. It’s easy to get caught up. It’s easy to take a wrong turn down an unfamiliar street. However, I’m not talking about physically taking a different exit than the one the GPS lady is YELLING about that you happened to miss because your brain was somewhere else or you were lost in the music or you just weren’t paying attention. I’m speaking about mentally getting lost down your own personal path… because it’s easy to get sucked in by external and internal dramatic forces. What isn’t easy though, is recognizing the hostage takeover but what’s even harder still, is doing something about it. We all go through these moments. These rocky points in life. Some of these moments can last a few short hours while others linger on for days, weeks, months and possibly years. 

During these times we shudder and shrink and wish things never happened the way they did but we learn and grow and become wiser after the fact. We wish for better results but accept what was handed to us. We wish we could catch a break but try to stay positive that a break will surely come. We wish that the outburst caused by some underlying psychological factor of how we handled these trying chapters, didn’t leave scars or wounds or a broken spirit behind but we know those will all heal with time. We wish that that moment of weakness where we chose to hit below the belt instead of rising to be the bigger person was what we chose in the first place. We wish rational thought outweighed irrational actions but know sometimes nothing can stop the emotional flood. We all go through this and that fact is, until we notice the triggers, the outcome will always the same. Whatever is causing the chaos will take us for a terrible and bumpy ride as long as we are paying for that journey’s ticket. 

For almost two years now, I have felt like I am standing-holding on for dear life-smack dab in the in the eye of a hurricane. For those that might not understand the reference, please allow me to explain. A hurricane or typhoon-depending on where you are in the world-is a tightly formed storm that wreaks havoc on all it touches. These storms have enough power to kill both human and animal life as well as cause extreme structural damage. After the storm, there is still more damage to be had. The heavy rains can cause flooding, the heavy winds can rip homes and businesses up from their very foundation and both of these conditions combined can cause power outages that last for days and weeks on end. Nevertheless, inside this storm is a mysterious part…a hole of solitude. A solid identifiable circle where there is a moment of absolute calm before the worst and rest of the storm makes its way around. This is called the eye. 

My life, more recently, has had me inside that calm circle. Surrounding me is this chaotic storm waiting for me to step a little too far out in any direction.The result being: destruction. Personally, I am okay. I am good. I am healthy. I am doing well for myself. I am filled with gratitude. For once, I’m not outside of the eye wall. This chaotic storm hasn’t hit me directly. And maybe that’s because there is some universal law that states, “Once you’ve filled up your stormy quota for a lifetime, that is all that there is. There will be no more that personally tear you and rip your personal foundation down. Instead, you will now just become an emotionally involved spectator. Watching the storm take out everything around you while you, yourself, are spared.” 

I know this is life’s inevitable ebb and flow but just to ensure that I am not destroyed by the massive debris I keep dodging, I have chosen to do what’s hard instead of what’s easy. I have chosen to recognize my unhealthy triggers, my overwhelming emotions, and all the flying shrapnel. I have chosen to take a time out. To reflect, recharge and get grounded. To sit in the eye and bear down. 

I’m not trying to eliminate people, places, or things that are causing the chaos to ensue… I am just trying to take a break from them all and regain some control. The one place that seems to be a triggering point is social media. The other area is what heightens that emotional response to social media and that is alcohol. 

About a week and a half ago, I found out a dear friend unexpectedly and tragically passed away. Before that it was my aunt and before that it was my cousin. My friend has hit me the hardest but not because I don’t care about my aunt or cousin but because my aunt and cousin were already in hospice before they passed away. It was expected… and there was a chance to say goodbye. With my friend, it was a freak accident that left him dead within an hour of his family leaving their home to go get groceries. One minute he was there and the next he was gone. This weekend I found out one of my best gal pals has breast cancer which once again I found out, when I had already been drinking. Last year started off with my mother almost dying and my car engine blowing its motor. Then the pandemic hit. Race wars shortly came after. By summertime, my state turned into a natural fiery inferno. Then after that, an election which had people shouting in the faces of strangers and fighting for their side on every street corner. By the time all these things seemed to ease up a bit, 2021 was knocking on my door. 

There was a general consensus that 2020 was as good as gone and happily let go off. I don’t think one person was like, “BEST. YEAR. EVER!” Although, for me personally, it wasn’t that bad. I made the best out of the insanity but truth be told, when it was over, me along with many had come to the conclusion that 2020 was the houseguest from hell! Everyone, including me, was helping 2020 pack up as quickly as possible whilst holding the door wide open and tossing it and its suitcase out on its ass. 

Early 2021 started off with my marriage on the rocks but given a year of quarantines, curfews, restrictions and the inability to escape, “Home Is Where The Heart Is,” along with a multitude of other stresses, I know my marriage wasn’t the only one that went through this difficult and questionable period. The beginning of 2021 also brought back a long lost friend that had my head and my heart in all sorts of tailspins. Being all over the place emotionally is an understatement. 

Then 2021 took a spin led by the grim reaper. This guy… instead of plucking out a few assholes the world could do without, started snatching up people I care about. Once, I started to emotionally settle with one loss, another one came around. One second I was fine, the next I was a wreck. I have gone from sadness to anger to happiness just to start the cycle all over again.

This year has also shown me the true colors of many… colors I never imagined possible. Colors that have broken my heart and left me stunned in shocking disappointment. According to life’s map… I am standing here now. Mourning losses, my marriage much stronger than it was, but absolutely drained from all that as transpired since 2020 began. A social media sabbatical, along with taking alcohol out of the influential equation seems like the easiest cleanse to obtain. 

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aware of all these major shifts that were on the horizon because as I have stated before, I felt that energy the first day of January 2020. I felt it in my bones! I knew that whatever was coming would ultimately rock my world and it’s be an insane, wild ride ever since. So much so that these past two years have felt like they have been in warp speed. Which I guess is a good thing because who in their right mind wants to go through all these overwhelming changes that are spinning out of control in slow motion anyway? Surely, not I. 

And although I heavily rely on social media not only for its entertainment purposes but for work related things, it seemed to be sucking me into an emotional web brought on by the news I read and how much I have had to drink. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the social media hole because You Tube, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and even What’s App are always there. Before I decided to take this hiatus, I was constantly checking my social media pages for stats, likes, interactions, replies, comments… anything that shows I have been seen and heard. I was consumed by any form of technology that connected me to the outside world or someone else. 

However, the outside world and the people in that said world kinda suck right now and this once pleasurable activity has just become too much on top of everything else. And because I have know noticed my emotions have become heightened when I drink… these two activities that I always put together are turning into two shitty friends that want me going down an awful spiral of regret.  And oh man it seems like I am drinking a whole bunch more these days as a means to cope with all that is swirling around me. Instead of helping me relax though, the social media web fueled by alcohol, is just making things worse. My social media hole and designated drinking time used to be an enjoyable event. I used to be fun. I used to be able to manage my emotions for sober days-when I could actually process them in a healthy manner. Because as they say, alcohol wasn’t meant to be a coping mechanism. And it seems as of late, that every time I find out some bad news I’m either hungover or have been drinking and my otherwise normal calm, cool and collective response turns into an alcoholic fueled breakdown. 

And y’all… I am tired of fucking crying.

Not to mention though, my phone is on its last leg. No matter the charge, as soon as I get on whatever app it is I am using, the battery life gets completely zapped and I need my phone for important things more so than to entertain me on a night I have chosen to let loose. Because of this, I have had to pick and choose apps that I really want to keep and and let go of those that idle in the background. For example, I have had to delete my What’s App a few times but have always reconnected it. What if someone from far away is trying to reach me? Truth. No one from far away is trying to reach me at all and in fact, the messages I do send out seem to get completely ignored. Now, it’s officially deleted. For starters, I only used this app when I traveled abroad but thought why not keep it on my phone just in case? It’s a way to say hi and keep up but I’m learning that all those same people have access to other apps that can keep us in touch on a more personal level. Although, I truly believe most of these people would rather rely on Facebook or Instagram because little effort is involved. Little interaction is required. No catching up at all. Just a quick scroll to see what I am up to. So the fact is, this app is useless to me and it just crowds my phone! 

Another app that’s is disappearing from the file log is a photography group I used to use to communicate and share photos with. It was a community of like minded artists and at first I absolutely loved it, but ever since I started my own photography page on Instagram, I rarely go on this app and so it too sits in the background sucking up all the battery life my phone has. There are a few other apps that I have decided to delete, but these have nothing to do with a social connection, they just don’t get used and it’s time for them to go. Like a dress that no longer fits or a shirt that no longer gets worn. It’s time to get rid of and make some space. It’s time to spare my phone until I finally cave in and get a new one.

I’m not ready to let go of Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, You Tube, or TikTok… although I have debated deleting all of them more than once… at the end of the day, I can’t nor do I really want to because I enjoy them and I use them. I am taking a step back though. I am taking a time out from each one of them. I am removing myself from the stalker syndrome that I and many of you have become accustomed to. Keeping tabs because you are nosey, not really interested and recently, I have come to terms that I have more people in my life that are in that prior nosey category versus the latter one of pure interest and because of this, I have put everything on private. 

In a way, maybe this privacy setting as well as scaling back my presence on whatever app it is will show those ‘stalkers’ that they can’t just keep an invisible eye on me? Maybe it will show the people that truly enjoy my social media posts and that my support for them, needs to become equally reciprocated or the support stops here? Maybe it will show everyone that relationships, in whatever form that is, doesn’t solely survive one person’s individual efforts or the social app that keeps that link alive? Maybe it’s just because I’m on an emotionally charged rollercoaster and I don’t need one more thing disrupting me from finally getting off? 

One of my side gigs is a social media influencer and brand ambassador so you can see the conundrum I am in. On one hand, I’m not just posting about my life, I’m posting things pertaining to companies that have hired me to represent them. A company I work for actually took the time to reach out and tell me, “they have noticed the rough patch I am in.” It wasn’t a judgmental insult, it was concern. The owner of the company stopped his life to check in on mine. He wanted to let me know, I wasn’t alone. He told me to take some time to collect myself and no matter what, he and his company would be waiting for my return. This sentiment had my heart melting. It’s one I often make myself. Reaching out when others are at a low. This person barely knows me but extended a gracious and loving hand regardless. Which is honestly more of a gesture than I can say has come from people I know pretty damn well. 

This one action that is ALWAYS made by me and was made by him yet not made from others, has put a lot of things into perspective.  I’m not some narcissistic twat that expects everyone to stop what they are doing to check in on me or like something I post or interact with me but I do, at some point, expect the people in my life to give me the attention I give them.  

I guess when all is said and done, I’m purging everything that is no longer good for my soul in order to feel whole and if that includes certain apps, certain people or certain vices, so be it. I have to do this for myself. Checking in and posting to social media was so engrained in my daily routine that it was like second nature. I get on when I wake up, before I go to bed, checking every platform, while lingering on each one. Multiple times of the day. This habit, this routine eats away my time and depending what’s going on internally, there is an emotional response to each. I have other things that I could be doing. Things that are less emotionally draining. 

So what am I doing to rewire myself? Well for starters, I am going to be hopefully writing a hell of a bunch more without feeling rushed. Without posting about whatever it is I just wrote. I truly want to see if this blog can stand on its own without me alluding to it or advertising for it. Without allowing some stalker to get into my psyche. 

Secondly, I’m going to throw myself into the romantic fiction trilogy I am writing. If I got time to scroll, I got time to character build and create a fictional story line because becoming a full fletched, real life, bonafide author is a personal goal I am chasing… and the social media time is just taking away from this. So something has to give and it ain’t going to be my book series.

Thirdly, I am going to start taking and editing more photos without relying on my photography page to show my work that very few seem to be supporting nowadays anyway, the very second I snap the photo. I have followers but the followers don’t match the likes. When I started that creative project, the sole purpose was to pay homage to all the places I had traveled too and to show folks the way I see the world through my lens. The page is full of past events and places I have been but after my friend passed away, I realized I had to stop looking behind me and start looking ahead. I have taken many photos this week but not once have I stopped living in the now to post about it. Not once have I felt this anxiousness while I await who will and won’t just hit a simple like. 

Any artist will tell you, it’s intimidating and scary to put yourself out there in a creative space , with other creative people. And when a post that seems to be absolute trash-in my opinion-gets a million views and thousands of likes, this creative process becomes a disappointing one. Now I know I am not some profound creative genius but putting myself out there speaks volumes. At least I have the courage to do it. At least I have the courage to get out of my own way and be proud that I am here being creative too. 

I could have immediately gone into habit mode and immediately post every photo I took but that would have taken away from the here and now. It would have prevented me from seeing the repeated sunflower fields that came after the first one I noticed. It would have prevented me from listening to the waves crash and becoming fully immersed in mother nature’s beautiful bounty. It would have prevented me from really immersing myself in all the sights, sounds, and smells, that make this life a human one. I could have made beating the publishing clock a priority. I could have put everything else on hold in order to edit and post photos in a slotted timeframe that allows for them to be more widely viewed.  I could have made the chore of “finding the right hashtag” become precedence over everything else but I didn’t. I saved the editing part for later at night. A creative activity I thoroughly enjoy and actually takes a solid chunk of time that I find relaxing

I could have given up on my need to take a social media break but instead I chose to write when I had a free second. I chose to pick up my house and complete tasks I had been putting off. I chose to watch some reality TV. I chose to watch movies. I chose to spend time with my husband. I chose to look up instead of down. Then instead of every night going to bed feeling yucky from whatever it was I was or wasn’t seeing through my social media apps, I read my newest book pick. A story about one man’s journey walking the Camino. A pilgrimage I too want to take one day. 

Furthermore, I want to get back to my exercise routine without worrying about posting a photo or story about my progress. The year before my wedding, I started taking exercising more seriously. The day I got married, I was in the best shape I had ever been in. I hate posed photos of myself so most of my wedding pictures, I don’t like but I can say this, my body was banging. My dress fit me beautifully and looked equally gorgeous. The year before, as soon as I woke up I worked out. Seven days a week. I didn’t care what I looked like, what exercise I was doing, what outfit I was wearing, or how my hair looked. I didn’t care about stopping to get the perfect shot. I didn’t take a break to post a photo. This was me time and there were zero acceptable interruptions because I was in the zone. The only time along this journey I did post anything was after I was done and those moments were few and far in between. I’m not saying I’m going back to seven days a week or that I won’t ever post another exercise selfie again but I do however want to be present and I do want to get back to at least five days a week in one way shape or form. Be it walking, yoga, weights, cardio, hiking, biking, roller skating, skateboarding, swimming…etc. I don’t want anything to get in the way of me getting my body back to where it was. And, no… before you all say, “Love the skin you’re in” or “Love your body type.” I do. Exercising is therapeutic for me but when you add the element of wanting to post about it, that therapy becomes a chore and a less enjoyable experience. Especially for me as of late.

Finally, my drinking is another reason for this vacation. My social media social app or holes become synonymous with drinking. And depending on the content or the existent or non existent conversations, my emotions are now fluctuating from flooding tears to instant rage. The You Tube or TikTok hole lasts hours and almost two six packs. By the time I am bored with both, I move to Facebook and no one needs to Facebook dial while drunk. It never ends well. I am either pouring my heart out or end up in an argument that my drunk ass should have walked away from but walked right into. Don’t judge me, pre the emotional upheaval, I called this activity Club Covid… and I enjoyed this V.I.P experience at least once a week. It was my night to let loose but now instead of letting loose all the chaos is amplified by the alcohol and instead of facing outside weary troubles with a sober mind, I’m becoming a regular patron of Club Covid to escape all these things which isn’t having me escape any of them at all. I’m the bar fly at my Club Covid. And to be brutally honest, Club Covid is starting to become a redundant place to be. It’s not as exciting as it once was. 

Facebook has become a battle ground for the combative uniformed. Instagram has become a place for competition and stalking. Twitter has become a void. Tiktok is still entertaining but I guess the people I follow and the algorithm I’m mostly on just directs me to serious subject matter now and I can’t handle any more heavy shit. You Tube is all over the place and it takes a what seems to be forever to find something that isn’t related to the end of days, conspiracy videos, government plots to take over, white women flipping out because they aren’t getting their asses kissed, or people making millions by simply recording their lives either by traveling during a pandemic or absolutely doing nothing at all. I miss the days when You Tube was all about Flash Mobs, over the top wedding proposals, pets acting crazy, and baby reenacting drunk adults. Eh, at least I still have the ghost videos and the Randonautica videos so I guess there is that? 

And I know this blog post is a complete contradiction from a few posts back which said, “Why should I disappear from something I enjoy?” But as of late, I haven’t enjoyed social media at all. I haven’t enjoyed the relationships it maintains. I haven’t enjoyed this being the only outlet that links me to other people. I haven’t enjoyed the emotional mess it spins me into after a few adult beverages.  

It’s just the scapegoat for killing time and it’s killing my vibe. I don’t think my social media sabbatical will last forever but I am giving myself a week to conclude if I am ready to come back just yet. I’m giving myself the space to properly figure out not only where my phone’s battery life gets invested in but my soul’s battery as well.

This raging storm surrounding me is encroaching closer and closer into my personal bubble and because of it, I swear, some people probably believe I live and thrive in drama. I don’t. Not at all. I’m sure some folks thinks I have multiple personalities and they teeter in between basket case and bitch but I’m not either one of those. I’ve just gotten comfortable with using one outlet to cope with the other when neither is helping me cope at all. 

I’m just an empath and empathetic and feel everything to the third degree. While many shrug the shit off their shoulders, I let it sit with me. I let the pain consume me. Maybe this is called evolving but it comes with a pricey toll. It comes with feelings of isolation and sadness. I wouldn’t change this part of me but I do have to come to some sort of compromise. I can’t fix people. I can’t solve the world’s problems. I can’t make people who barely know me understand my complex yet beautiful layers and I can’t control what is going on around me…I can only control the eye of the storm that I am in. 

Taking time away from social media and/or all devices that link me and human altogether has been a cathartic lesson. It’s lightened the load. Easing up on the alcohol instead of running to it like a savior has cleared the fog in my head. This mixed diet is also teaching me that I need to, just for my own sanity, return to what really counts. For those who want all of me: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful… they will receive that. For those that just want the tiny parts, the glaring in and keeping up, that’s what they will get… when and if I’m ready.

Self-care isn’t just about indulging in that spa day or doing something that makes you feel externally glorious, it’s about looking inward and repairing the broken parts. Healing what’s plaguing you. Identifying what has you in an emotional tizzy. Self-care is about fixing what’s keeping you bound to a dramatic reaction and replacing the darkness with a joyful spark. And while this chaotic storm is damned determine to swallow me whole, I won’t let it. I refuse to let it get any closer because I am listening to my inner child, that personal GPS system that is  yelling for me to take care of her, focus on her and to make life plans for her. I am approaching this sweet child with gentle hands and hushing all the noise that is distracting her from making the right directional turn. 

And I know, once I decide to reenter back into the social world, my soul will have thanked me for the much needed holiday because as that one classic 80’s lyric goes, “Everybody needs a little time away. I heard her say. From each other,” I do need this time away. 

Be good to yourself and others. 

And until next time… remember that I love you.

~x~

The Blogging Bae