Roses Have Thorns

Hello, loves. I apologize for the delayed post. I’ve written a few but because my heart wasn’t fully invested in them, I scratched them altogether. Which brings me to today’s topic…. WHAT WE INVEST OUR TIME IN and how our karmic journey’s correlate with those choices. 

Get settled in kiddos because it’s finally tea time.

You aren’t a convenience store…. NOR IS ANYONE ELSE OR LIFE IN GENERAL. 

For those that read this blog in other countries that might not understand the reference, let me clear this up. A “convenience store” is a shop where one can get the goods they need or want at any given time. Craving a banana at 4am, there is a store around the corner open to that very whim. Need a pair of sunglasses at 3pm, yup… you can find those there as well. Essentially, whatever you need, there is a place dedicated to instant gratification. 

Here’s the kicker though, people are not brick and mortars and neither is life. A Relationship in any form takes work.

Someone or something can have a billion and one excuses for why you came in last and that’s perfectly fine. Busy is as busy does and life is life but at the end of the day, these are choices. 

And quite frankly, you deserve more than deciphering where you stand with somebody or something in particular that pertains to your overall well-being and dreams. 

If you are wondering why your path is crashing and burning and you seem to be on some kind of karmic rollercoaster, it’s time to take out a mirror and stare straight into that damn thing long and hard. I’ve been there so heed my advice, you’re miserable because you are too busy up your own ass. Plain and simple but instead of doing anything proactively to change this course, you play victim. You want to act as if all the things happening to you have nothing to do with what you are creating. 

Hear me out….

Years ago, I was at odds with everyone and everything around me and I literally took it a personal attack. It took someone telling me that the common denominator in this equation was me. It was the toughest pill I have had to swallow to date. My ego was bruised and I was insulted but you know what, it was the fucking truth. The hardest fucking truth I have ever had to hear. 

I thought just taking when convenient would always be there. I was half ass in friendships and half ass in relationships which led to being half ass when it came to my life. I too was going through life’s switches and tumbles and I was taking that out on everyone around me, expecting them to always give and clean up all the messes I was making. 

“But. But… I…  I’m going through the ringer right now… I just don’t have time…” 

That’s bullshit. I did have the time, I just chose where and what my time went to.  

I’m now on the other end of that stick. I’m seeing things from the other perspective… I turned my act around and have become the giver… as well as the taker. It’s nice not to be the ‘hot mess.’ It’s nice to see I have worth and value. It’s a pleasant change of pace to hold people and situations accountable as well as create boundaries that I can live with. But most importantly, it’s a wonder knowing I am no longer the karmic roller coaster I once couldn’t imagine getting off of. 

And sure, one could definitely say these were the ‘life lessons’ I needed which I totally agree with. One thing after the next kept happening but instead of doing things differently, I kept taking one easy choice after the other… expecting my laziness to be rewarded… pffft. 

Not only was I investing in toxic energy but I was pissed that that toxicity was coming back at me ten fold… like a monkey throwing shit at the zoo. 

What did I expect? That being a bitter, jealous, angry, unsatisfied, selfish twit would actually get me somewhere? What did I think? That not taking an active role in my life, would lead to prosperous times? C’mon on now. You and I both know that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

That chip on my shoulder wasn’t going anywhere unless I brought out the chisel and piece by piece hacked that rock away.  

We all plow into a chapter of our lives where we sit still and evaluate everything. For me, this introspection came last year. When 2020 served us a pandemic and made all stop what the hell we were doing. I stopped. I stayed still. I received the underlying message… things needed to change. 

Pre-pandemic I was like most of you. I was indifferent and going through the motions. Was I where I wanted to be? Not really, but I knew where I wanted to go. Was I doing what I wanted? Well, for the most part yes but it isn’t my end game. Was I surrounded by a circle of people that actually wanted to watch me thrive? Sort of but I knew there were still haters waiting anxiously for me to fail. Was I truly doing what I needed to do in order to reach that long lasting happy life on all fronts. I mean I guess to an extent but it wasn’t personally enough.

I’m a firm believer that life exploding before our very eyes is because the universe wants us to no longer strangle the shit out of the things that don’t belong. Coming out of this pandemic, we have the ability to do things differently. My eyes have been opened to the universe’s aggressive way of teaching me to let go. 

For the first time, I wasn’t afraid of this process. It know it might take a few years to reach my final destination but I have never before been so clear on exactly where that is. That’s the whole confusing part about the word happiness in general. You can’t find it if you have no clue what that actually means.  

The other day a friend told me he, “just wanted to be happy.”  

Well sure, who doesn’t? Isn’t this the main objective for most folks?  

But when I asked what that entailed, I didn’t get a concrete answer. Again, this is acceptable because my definition of happiness and my journey towards that differs, I’m sure, from his. However; the broad and vague responses, leave little room to navigate on. 

I don’t think anyone has ever woken up and said, “I just want to be miserable today.  That happy bullshit is overrated.” 

I don’t think anyone when making a list of wants and desires wrote down, “to live an awful life.” 

So okay, what makes you happy? Did you take the last year and a half to look inward and change the way things were? If not, why? Karmic journey’s don’t last forever and just like anything else, can’t turn into an excuse. Why are you questioning all your life decision’s then coming up regretful and resentful and nostalgic yet doing nothing to change how you feel about your future life’s narrative. 

Okay, so life has handed you a mess. Isn’t it your job to clean that mess up? I mean, it’s your mess after all. And to be fair, some messes weren’t created by you and I get this but you were left with it for some reason… so hop to it. Regardless if you spilt that milk or not, it’s not going clean itself up and if you keep ignoring it, all it will end up doing is souring and stinking up the joint. That spilt milk equals the preverbal personal shit about yourself you want to avoid. 

If you hate your job, start looking for a new one.

If you feel used by the people around you, cut the ties that bind and find a new tribe. 

If you are not happy with life in general but happiness is your ultimate goal, then start doing what needs to be done in order to obtain that end result. 

These are decisions you have to make. No one is going to hold your hand, even if you always offer yours up.

Look, we all have bad days and months and some of us even have terrible years. It happens. Off hand, there have been quite a few ‘awful chapters’ in my life but there were two specifically that have stood out. Only because there was no cushion to soften these blows. These treacherous times happened when I was an adult and as an adult, there really isn’t anyone else to blame. I couldn’t go run to my mom and make her tell the boogie man to go away, I had to face that asshole myself.  Those were 2009-11 and 2016-17 and the years that followed weren’t any easier either. They just were. 

Many of you can say by far 2020 has been your worst year yet and truly it was a circus freak show… however… there was an opportunity there to evolve. There still is. 

And to be brutally honest, my life didn’t start rising until last year. Until I completely went through the shit storm and finally explored my shadow side. Until I was forced to face isolation and retrospection. This purge wasn’t my first and I’M POSITIVE IT WON’T BE MY LAST but all that occurred wasn’t done in vain. There is and was a reason for the way everything has gone down. 

I STILL HAVE LOSES. I still have lessons and a climb to go but regardless, I see that peak and it’s close. The stagnation and complacency I felt prior to 2020 turned out to be my starting points. I was faced with two roads… the one I was on and comfortable with… or the unfamiliar path that meant dedication and standards.

When you heal yourself, you receive. When you let go of the toxic shit weighing you down, you radiate light to those that always believed you could shine. You give the warmth instead of just taking the heat. You become the yin and the yang. 

Karmic journey’s go hand-in-hand with how you are in the world. You are not perfect and mistakes are allowed  to be made but if your patterns yield the same results, then its’s time to do some soul searching. You can’t give nothing and expect everything. You can’t do nothing and expect the world to fall at your feet and visa versa. 

You are not a fucking wizard so stop it with the magic tricks already. Not to mention teetering too much on one side doesn’t help your cause. 

This next piece of advice goes out to all you ‘givers’ out there… if all you are doing is giving to a person or a situation and it’s draining you, then maybe step away from it for a while in order to see what happens with out your interference. I’m not saying give up on what it is you are aiming for, I’m just saying to lay low for a bit. Recharge. Regroup. Find some balance. 

Two weeks ago, I got some devastating news. A personal dream was rejected and I was left crushed. Utterly gutted. I sulked. I got drunk. I talked poorly about myself to myself. I went through the obligatory cycle of disappointment! I honored the process but then got humbled. The universe knows what I want and I am working towards that… I didn’t walk away, I just took a breather. I looked at this tragic event as a sign that this wasn’t the direction I was supposed to go. I realized that as long as I kept that spot on my personal map, I would eventually be led there. In fact, I have never been so sure in my life that I will eventually obtain that ultimate happiness that is so frequently sought after. 

For the record though, happiness is relative and personally; what might work for the goose might not work for the gander. What I am saying is… my goals and dreams are my own just as this journey  might not necessarily fit the agenda of others and that’s okay. This is my path and I’m the only one that has to walk it.

Self-love is a gritty lesson worth receiving. It’s a balancing act between narcism and codependency but facts are facts: broken people and situations are fine but you aren’t the only glue out there available. You aren’t the only convenience store that is open.  People nor things aren’t your projects to take on unless you want them to be. You have choices and options even if you feel like you don’t.

Any aspect in life allows you to be both; the giver and the taker. In fact, you should ALWAYS be actively participating in the two roles… because these play equal parts in how your life will pan out. One doesn’t negate the other. One isn’t more important than the other. Giving too much can leave you feeling like a resentful martyr while taking too much can throw you head first into karmic waters  and neither is a good state to be in. They are both mentally and physically draining and you aren’t weak for submitting your vulnerabilities to either one. You just got swept up by the which ever under current it was and now it’s time to swim to shore. 

Shining brightly doesn’t come without the act of polishing away the tarnished layers. Growing a garden doesn’t come without tending to the weeds. Finding your happiness doesn’t come without effort on your part or experiencing the cuts from those rosy thorns along the way. Our journey’s aren’t paved with gold nor are they easily defined. It took me years to realize this but I’m happy I finally arrived. It’s helped me understand my worth involved with any person or personal situation. It’s help me see the light in this whole ‘give and take’ scenario. None of us need to be just be either, we all need to be both. 

Music Inspiration: 

Dua Lipa, “Don’t Start Know.”

Saint JHN, “Roses.” Imanbek Remix

Elon “EDM” Musk, “Don’t Doubt ur Vibe.”

Love, hugs and kisses. Enjoy your weekend and happy Friday.