Muse and the Memory

 This past week I finally had a creative spark. It might have taken me clawing my way through the month of February to find it...but I finally did. Now that March has hit, it appears my creative lull is over. 

I started on my fan fiction story. The one I want to send out to publishing houses. 

For me, this was huge because I’m not at all a fiction writer and I was at a standstill. Sure, I’ve written a few short stories here and there but those were strictly for fun or at the very least an assignment given to me in college. Other than that though, fiction writing has never been my forte...even though I know this genre is my meal ticket. 

It’s hard to write fiction because I’m too much in my head most of the time. I kid you not...it’s often where I can be found. I personally don’t mind it because I’m used to it by now but being in one’s head, a fictional story does not make. 

Then I heard a song...or two actually and it was the pep talk I needed, the spark of joy I was looking for...or just the month of February being over...or maybe a mixture of both. 

Whatever the reason, it was the push that had me stepping out of my brainy shell and walking right into my heart space. 

And in my heart space lays memories. Wonderfully, warm memories that are worthy of the share. 

Not to mention, I have lived an extremely interesting life thus far. In all earnestness, there’s never been a dull moment. My life has always kept me on my toes and there most definitely is an element of fantasy attached to it. Moments that most definitely could pass for some made up fable I spun to entertain a crowd. But...I’m not that type of person. I don’t have to concoct some elaborate story to make my life appear exciting. I’ve been through it all...or very close to it all. You name it...it’s probably happened to me in one way or another. Oh yeah...I’m a cross between Alice and Dorothy and I, my lovelies, have both seen and experienced some weird shit but to marry reality with a fictional form is an unfamiliar road I have never been on. 

It’s exciting no doubt but I’ve never done this and I had no clue how it was supposed to be laid out in fictional mode. 

But then something clicked. 

A beautiful memory came back once more and my heart space exploded with words and characters and justice being served. 

I have been debating writing this for a while because this fan fiction diddy is truly based in reality more than anything else. 

As it should be. 

For starters, I can’t take another story about some awkward naive young girl that falls for a mess of a man child. I myself have fallen for the messes...I myself have been the awkward naive girl when it came to finding my footing but I’m a woman now and that counts for something. 

I’ve stayed true to my words and chosen to keep the main male character Alex. As in Alex Høgh Andersen. I’m writing this mainly for his fans...mainly because I want it sold...but mostly because I fucking want too. It’s just easier this way...it’s easier to separate the two and dive deep into a fictional world.

However...since I have zero clue how Alex truly is as a person and creating this prototype of Alex as how I would want him to be seems a little like creepy. Instead...I decided to make fantasy Alex mirror someone from my own biographical book. 

My Alex is based on a real person from my past. Someone who impacted my life in such a manner that I’ve never stopped thinking about this impression. 

It’s an unrequited love story...filled to the brim with as many obstacles as there could be chapters but it’s biggest hurdle is it never had a middle or an end. It only had a slight beginning. In my fictional version, it’s given what it’s always deserved...everything that comes in between and everything that comes after. 

I never not want to not remember this memory as is. I never not want to forget the actual details. It’s original score.

So to ensure that I never do...I literally had to sit down and write out the real version in its entirety. I’ve told this story to many a person but I’ve never written it down. 

I was transported back. I smelt the salty ocean air. I felt the smile on my face. I heard the music and chatter. I felt my stomach leap when I was taken back to where it all began. 

I had to do this! I had to recount it all..it was the only way I could ever create the fictional version. 

I had to write it all out. The initial start, all the strange moments in between and what’s been created now. 

I did this to ensure the real story stays in tact. 

It honestly has the potential to carry its own weight compared to most love stories you read. It’s not lacking the bells and whistles...by any means...it just needs a continuation. A chance to come to life and in the fictional story, it gets just that. It’s getting a plot...even if that plot has been made up. 

And I understand completely that some memories are meant to be nothing more than experience you look fondly back on with tender admiration. 

But this memory...this damn memory has stood the test of time and I can’t help but think that’s because there is something bigger attached to it. More that surrounds it...more than what I can comprehend. 

Believe me, if I could have let it go after all this time, I would have. I have tried too many times. Yet...like clock work it comes stumbling back in again. Arriving in all its realistic glory. 

The real story stays the same and that’s one of the things I have always adored about it. It never changes no matter how old it gets. No matter the length of time it’s been away. It comes back as if it happened yesterday. 

And when it’s done visiting, it retreats back into the memory bank. It returns back to that special space for safe keeping...until it’s ready to come out and do this repeated dance once more.

And that’s what happened. This memory flooded my soul yet again. 

Sooo....I started writing. About what actually went down...then again with an altered adaptation. 

Surprisingly, it’s turning into a magical adventure. Not only am I proving myself to be a decent fiction writer but I now have a chance to rewrite fate’s script. I get the opportunity to retell the preferred version while still holding onto the very real precious one. 

You know...last week I was instructed to write for at least thirty minutes a day and I have ever since. It’s been a lovely habit to start and a ritual I will continue. It will now become a part of my daily routine. 

Before you know this story will have all its parts and I thank February for ending. I thank those songs I heard. I thank the advice I was given but most importantly, I thank the muse behind the memory and the memory associated with the muse. 

Thanks for listening and if you are going through any sort of creative lull as well...maybe it’s time to get out of your head and go visit your heart. 

🎧music inspiration for post🎧

Madness by Muse

Stereo Love by Edward Maya and Vika Jigulina