A Thousand Bad Times

 Earlier today, I was told by a friend that they never realized how “intense” I was. Granted this person and I aren’t that close, I was a little taken aback by the comment. It seemed to come completely out of left field. 

The only question I asked was how are you? 

“Like...really...how are you? Good...explain...bad...the same.” 

I never assumed this question was an intense topic! 

However...in the last year, I have come to grips with the gritty reality that most humans would rather be swarmed by superficial conversations and surrounded by light hearted bravado’s.

Most humans want easy peasy. 

Okay...I admit it. I am intense. Not all the time...but ...most of the time. I feel deeply and think deeply. 

My mother says it’s because I have an old soul but this seriousness also comes from being an empath. I didn’t ask for this...but it’s my life. Trust  me, if I could...I’d shut this shit down. 

More importantly though, this is me and even though I am a serious person, I’m super positive and cheerful 98% of the time. 

Most of the time you can find me laughing, making jokes, and doing something that will lighten the mood. 

I don’t dislike that I think deeply and feel everything...actually...I wish there were more people out there like me. Maybe we’d be in a different place if that were the case? 

Especially...in today’s society...

especially since experiencing a global pandemic with the entire world. 

After my friend made the ‘intense’ comment, I instantly switched to base layers. I put my friend in that compartment labeled: BORING SUBJECTS ONLY. How’s the fam? How’s the job? Like post. Move on. Don’t ask any important questions. Ever. 

I then immediately went into ‘feeling’ mode and started crying. 

My husband walked in and found me like this and when I told him what had happened...he agreed...

“Yes, baby. You can be intense.” 

He then proceeded with...

“But don’t change that! It makes you a real human and a beautiful human at that!” 

My husband and I might have our issues but any marriage does.

We aren’t perfect...but I can say this...he’s never ran from my intensity....he’s always actually embraced it. 

He’s never gotten scared or intimated by it nor has he ever asked me to tone it down. Not once has the man asked me to change in any way. He may have been pissed and held onto me being this way but he’s never asked me to change. 

In the last year, I have grown to understand the need for real conversations. Ones that go beyond trivial subjects and casualness. Ones that leans into uncomfortable territory. 

Topics most of us want to avoid and even though I understand the need; I’m not understanding why we do everything in our power to steer clear of these type of conversations...

why asking someone how they really are...threw them into such a tizzy? 

I have learned that the way we interacted before and during this pandemic.. is the very same reason we’re all being forced to isolate ourselves. 

Nobody cared before, so why would anyone care now? 

Some move as simple as looking out for your fellow man was/is a task many of us couldn’t bare. 

Life has us all teetering now. 

Life has made many of us walk towards a ledge, ready to leap. 

And in the last two months, I have been sought out to help someone off that proverbial ledge...I can only imagine what they would have done had I said, “Never realized how intense you were.” 

The reasons these two very separate friends came to me in the first place: they felt invisible and both just wanted to be seen and heard. I was the one they needed to show them the light I see them in.

I didn’t ask why they picked me...I just went with it...because that’s what decent friends or strangers do. 

I’m here to tell you all...EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU DESERVES TO BE SEEN AND HEARD and if you are feeling like my friends do...this is your reminder: YOU HAVE VALUE AND WORTH...YOU ARE SEEN AND HEARD. 

Regardless though...it didn’t matter why either friend reached out. I appreciated my wisdom being considered. 

I wasn’t disgusted by the thought of a heart-to-heart. I wasn’t inconvenienced by the need to respond because I’m the type of person that when you reach out for me, I will give you my hand in return and grab on tightly to yours. 

I won’t let you fall. I will acknowledge your presence...because your presence matters to me. 

Before I moved cross-country and left every familiarity behind, I lived in an artsy, party, college town. It catered to egos. 

On every corner was a bartender, a musician, a transient, or a grad student that happened to be all three.

It was a town full of big fish in a small pond. 

Everyone was trying to have more clout than they actually should. 

The more different people all tried to be, the more alike and blended into their clique they became and after what felt like repetitive hamster wheel...it got to the point where this bubble felt stifling and suffocating. 

I desired more than duplicated barstool rap sessions. 

This bubble wasn’t real. 

It was a microcosm of all the fake shit in the world mixed in with music and an Ivy League education. 

I’m just grateful that I, at least, created some amazing and powerful bonds while there...which in all honesty...took a few years to find and build. 

This place is also the reason I can’t stand small talk to this day. By the time I left, small talk was exhausted and reminded me of nails slowly moving down a chalkboard. 

Don’t get me wrong...I’ll entertain the small talk repertoire but inside my head I’m looking for an escape from this cliché banter everyone is so comfortable having. 

This pandemic not only has shown me we need space for deeper conversations but it has also shown me that there is a desperate need for genuine human connection in general. 

However, in-depth conversational skills have become a lost art form. 

Pre-pandemic...I was anti phone call. I was a texter. I still love texting but now I’m like...I just wanna hear your voice because I’m the last year so many voices have been cut short. 

Pre-pandemic I wasn’t observing the type of disconnect I am now. Which is bizarre given we are more connected than we ever have been before. In about 20 different technological ways...but it’s not about connection...it’s about a number count. 

Feeling alone and invisible sucks and as I have mentioned in many blog posts before this one....I have been there myself. That desperation and sadness almost swallowed me whole and I lost myself in those wretched feelings for a while. In the end, the part of me that wanted to check out took the loss instead and I’m grateful so inside of me talked me out of what I was planning on doing. 

It wasn’t a pretty climb back up either but it was the rocky cliff I had to climb. A lesson that taught me just how important my intensity actually was. Without this part of me...I’m pretty positive that that one lonely night would have panned out differently. 

I look back on this past life as an unrecognizable rendition. A version of me that wasn’t really me at all. Back in those days...what led me to that one night was a shell of a person. I was cynical...had a wall built up...and let my shadowy dark side make all the decisions. 

Reflecting back to this time makes me shudder. It makes me want to run back to myself and hug the hell out the sad, vulnerable her....and I’m not that much of a fucking hugger. I mean...I am but a) I’m a woman and b) I’m an empath. Hugging is on a whole other level for me. Besides, I’m more of a back rubber anyway. An ear that listens. A shoulder to lean on and yes...if we’re close...I’ll hug you more so than not. 

I guess what I am saying is telling you I’m not a hugger makes me sound like a cold, frigid bitch but I’m not. Hugging in my world is special and reserved for special people. 

Truth though...most of you don’t deserve hugs. Why get a hug if you only want superficial relationships. Hugs are intimate and intimacy comes from closeness and closeness comes from creating bonds. 

And....maybe that’s just my own warped expectation but this is me and these are my opinions and well...this is my blog. No one said you had to agree and/or read it this far...but you are...so maybe just maybe...you are reading it for a reason. 

The same friend that told me I was intense also said he never realized how concerned I was for other people. It wasn’t meant to be a dagger thrown but I couldn’t help but feel like it was. 

Again, I was baffled.

 Again, I hadn’t said anything that warranted such a response. We literally were sticking to the basics. I mean...maybe he was just having a bad day but his posts were telling me otherwise...he seemed to be in a lovely mood. We may not be besties but I’ve had this kid over for parties and brunches, late night patio hangs when the bars have all closed. He used to date a dear friend of mine. We were, what I thought to be, more than just bar buddies. 

More discerning than that though is the idea that being concerned about others is a novel concept. How have we progressed so far yet evolved so little? Why is caring now branded as strange behavior or sheep mentality? What happened to humans? 

Years ago someone said I was an enigma....I guess I’m now an intense enigma. I don’t see myself this way but I will carry the title. Fine. The thing is...I just operate in the position people prefer to see and it only takes a few interactions for me to decipher which version of myself that will be. 

And I’m not quite sure why the intense remark feels like a sting on my skin but it most definitely does. 

The last year has been fucking heavy....it’s still very much is and regardless of all the glorious in between moments of absolute bliss...externally that world has still been a constant blazing dumpster fire that’s being sparked by shitty people doing shitty things. So I’m not quite sure how anyone isn’t slightly feeling the weight from it all. 

But if you’re one of lucky ones....the ones completely void of feeling anything...I guess throw me some tips because apparently I need to numb down and express even less. 

I sound bitter and salty...I know this and right now I kinda am. I can’t help it. 

Last week some 21 year old white dude went on a shooting spree because he was “having a bad day.” 

*update...as of today March 22 another guy went on a shooting spree...in a grocery store...in my state. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of this. 

Last year...I watched a pandemic sweep the entire world. Yet we refuse to learn the lessons that will make us better versions of who we once were. 

Last year...I watched a man die yet again for the color of his skin and we’re still arguing how and why it occurred. 

I haven’t seen my family in over a year. When was the last time you saw yours? 

Everything I knew is now different. 

Everything was taken away. 

Everything has changed. 

Yet...I’m the intense one for asking the question...”How are you...like really...how are you?” 

Message received loud and clear. 

Forgive me for utilizing the only tool available right now to build bonds. I seriously didn’t realize that this question posed would come with the same set of rules it has when it’s responded to. KEEP IT LIGHT...NO ONE WANTS REAL...THEY WANT SIMPLE. 

But don’t worry, I have no qualms with keeping things simple....I know how to read a room. 

If I came on too strong, too quickly in regards to any subject...I can’t change the impression that I gave...although I’m not really sure I would. 

Those that enjoy my varying complex layers, adore the refreshing authenticity. 

My deep psyche in some people, fuels a fire that was fucking dying out and I pride myself on this. I appreciate not being another basic bitch. 

On more than one occasion, I have been told that my presence in someone’s life...no matter how brief or extended it was was a catalyst for growth. I awoke a tired lion wanting to roar. I invoked action. I gave space for courage and self-love. 

To that I say: that’s the best compliment one can receive! And from where I stand, I’m alright being a little too much for some people. Those aren’t my people. 

We need more folks willing to be vulnerable. We need more folks willing to allow others to be vulnerable as well. We need this more so now over yet again another uncomplicated connection. 

The sad truth though...an excessive amount of people would opt for the detached relationship. Passing over the opportunity to deep dive into someone’s soul. To me, that’s heartbreaking. Humans are magnificent creatures and learning about them can teach you something about yourself. 

To deny yourself or others the opportunity for a meaningful connection is doing yourself and others a disservice. 

Q: 

How many of you can say you really know someone? Like you really know someone. 

A: 

Most of you will say at least one other person. Maybe a couple but it’s not going to go much further than that. 

That’s good but I know many.

I’m not sitting in a tower made of gold judging you for not being like me...I’m just telling you this because I give space for real relationships to be had and if you are looking for substance and quality, this is what it takes. 

A relationship outside of self of any kind takes at least two people. 

What someone chooses to do with that given space, is up to them. For me, it doesn’t take long to figure out intentions for said space. 

You want to keep it to basic...I will give you that. 

You want to be creepy...I will snuff you out. 

You want to move closer to my heart...I will let you in. 

You want me to fail...I will show you I can fly. 

You want to watch me fly...I will show you that I have and will fail sometimes. 

You want to see a beautiful reflection of yourself...I will show you a mirror and turn it in your direction. 

You want me to always be there but you disappear when it’s my turn...I will now  decide when I’m available.

I will make no apologies for how any connection will pan out because it’s truly up to the other person. 

Nor do I have any regrets exposing whatever side of me someone asked for. 

I do however draw a line somewhere and if all you want is those type of superficial relationships, then never expect me to come running for your door. We can stay on that acquaintance level....we can remain ‘social media’ pals. 

I’ll be extraordinary me...manifesting the shit out of my life. I will claim the intense light and bask in it. And if this light is too damn bright, best find yourself another lamp because I’m not turning shit down anytime soon. 

Go huddle in a corner with all the other dull bulbs. Have your repeated conversations and keep meeting the same type of person. They are in heavy supply. Carbon copies of people just like you. Those that don’t want to whisper more meaningful murmurs and if you can’t find any maybe you can find my friend. He’s available for all those basic talks. 

Personally, I’m just not trying to live my life like a 24hour social media post. I’m only here for the selfies and the likes. Look at me...look at me...I’m such an important hipster. 

Substance is good. Reality is rare and if that is too much for anyone, let them go and find those other people that aren’t. 

I will walk on a different street and be fine on this road. I will divert my energy elsewhere...and maybe along the way...after you have evolved and realized how boring ‘identical’ can actually be...we’ll meet somewhere in the middle and finally achieve the beauty behind a genuine human connection. 

Until then...I have a book to write and intense love to give for those that appreciate it. 

🎧MUSIC INSPIRATION FOR POST🎧

Song: A Thousand Bad Times 

By: Post Malone