45 and Shining


 Hello. Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening… depending on where you are. I'm in Colorado and I just woke up. It feels glorious to sleep in and even more wonderful outside. 


It’s sunny and crisp… not too hot or cold. My coffee lures me in with its chocolate and cinnamon aroma. The birds are chirping, and in the faint distance, I can hear someone playing their radio. I am soaking in my neighborhood while I sit under a shady tree and write to you all. It’s my day off, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Later tonight, I am going to see some live music. 


So far my Taurus season has been so, so good. 


We have about two more weeks of it and I turn 45 on the 18th. Also, my second book is being released that day. Hopefully. Everything is complete and now I am just waiting to hear back from my editor for the okay. 


There are so many things stirring in me and I know something is on the horizon. Change is coming, and I am here for it. 


I have released a few things and a few people. I have concluded that if these things were meant for me, they would return with little effort or compromise. And, I won’t have to bend myself backward to keep them in place. 


I haven't felt this happy in a while. I haven't felt this good in a couple of years and even my face looks brighter, my smile seems wider, and my eyes are radiating a sparkle that I have missed so damn much. 


The truth is when I let go of the expectations of others, I stopped trying myself. And, that has been a freeing exercise. 


As you know connections mean everything to me but when that connection becomes one-sided… one is often left to question their worth. 


For example, I have a girlfriend who sends me reels to watch. I stopped a few weeks ago because anytime I would comment on them or send her some, she would ignore me. I got tired of the self-involved importance. The girl is beautiful and that alone allows her the blase attitude of convenient communication. 


I have another friend like this as well but he is worse at this and equally gorgeous. I decided to delete his contact info and move on with my life. 


I took a play from the overly self-confident. 


Here’s the thing… I am gorgeous too. However, my heart is big and it understands how quickly people disappear. Those exchanges are important. 


I also saw a reel and related to it wholeheartedly.  In it, a man was walking and said, “I respond quickly because I am an adult, I am already on my phone, and I genuinely like you.” 


Ah… refreshing. 


In this day and age, we pick and choose who we want to engage with. We rally a bunch of excuses as our teammates then get upset when we feel alone. 


Growth takes work and responding to someone takes two seconds. But, again, it’s a choice… and when you are so used to never putting in that much effort and everyone around you building you up, your ego becomes your worst damn enemy. 


Humans don't just want to cater to that. They don't just want to be on an endless cycle of making sure you feel noticed while you can’t spare a second to show they are valuable too. 


And, although, you might feel famous in your mind… you aren't. You are just like me. Handling this world with all the grace you can muster. 


Point blank though… I was raised better. I was raised with morals and manners, and I don't care who you are... I WILL MAKE SURE YOU FEEL SEEN AND HEARD AND INCLUDED. That is until you show me my presence never meant much. 


Again, a lesson in weights lifted and growth of epic kind. 


When I went back east for a funeral recently my mom had a heart-to-heart with me and her words branded my heart like a fiery metal pitchfork. She said I have underestimated myself long enough. I have settled on being treated poorly by others because I have a genuine soul. I forgive easily and sometimes I shouldn't. However, I will continue to forgive, but I am no longer downplaying who I am and what I have to give to the world and the people in it. 


I don't have time for any more fuckboy shit. My ego was slammed to the ground to help people feel better and I am no longer that stepping stone. Either you see me or you don't. Either you put in the same effort, or I leave you behind. 


This is 44 going into 45 and it feels amazing. 


I wish you all a fantastic weekend. 


~regina

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