Maybe Partying Will Help

Well, I’m back. Not just literally posting another blog piece but physically back in the state where I live. I left Friday to go back east, go back home, and to bid my dear friend who recently passed away a final adieu. At first, I was just planning on going to the funeral and the gathering that was immediately following after but then I saw all those familiar faces from my college days and decided to go to the Celebration of Life later that night. 

I’m so glad that I did.

El Rey/CRock/Cline-the man, the myth, the absolute legend was watching proudly as we all threw down in the most epic of ways. A venue rented out, a giant cut out of him, and a DJ spinning all his favorite tunes accompanied by a video of Chris memories playing in the background. We all laughed, we all cried, we all danced our asses off. We all swapped stories. 

People came from all over and on more than one occasion, I was told how incredible it was that I made this trek especially for him. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. The “C” family and Chris himself are family because family doesn’t only include the bloodlines I am are part of. 

Often times, family becomes the friends you meet along the way. 

While I was at my mother’s house, I went to go look for a picture. One photo that I wanted to show another friend from a completely different part of my life…and instead of finding that photo I found a stack of others that pertained to my college days. And in that stack was a journal entry about Chris’s brother and I and our inevitable ending. For about a decade I have carried this weight that I broke this guy’s heart. That I was the reason we didn’t pan out. That I didn’t want to be fully committed to the idea of long distance working out while I stayed back to finish school after he graduated. Truth be told though, it wasn’t me at all. It was him. He was the one who wasn’t fully committed. He wasn’t ready to settle down. I wasn’t the one he wanted to marry. At 23 though, I can’t really blame him. When this core group all went their separate ways, I was left behind to figure out who I was and where I belonged and I needed this growth. 

It’s funny because right before the ex and I broke up, I went to get a tarot reading and in that reading the woman had told me, “He would be the one to go through multiple partners, only to marry later in life. He would be the one to never have children and move out west.” 

However, that was not the case. The roles were reversed. My ex returned to his home town, married an amazing woman, and had two children… While I dated a few more dudes before finding my husband. While I was the one to move out west where instead of creating life in the way of children, my husband and I  created our own business and adopted a sweet fur baby instead. 

Medically, I can’t have children and although dealing with that in the beginning was an emotional blow to take on, the man I married has been a supportive rock. He hasn’t regretted choosing me or my inability to bring his lineage into the world, and he happens to like our life just as it is. 

Last night when my head hit my own bed and my own pillow, I slept like a baby. I slept like a rock. I was home where I belonged. Next to my husband and next to our cat. The entire weekend had been an emotional ride and I had maybe slept five hours in a 72hr period. The past few weeks very much the same and to have a partner support me leaving to go honor a friend that is linked to an ex speaks volumes about his character. This gesture also speaks volumes about my ex and I-that through a break up-even though it wasn’t bad-we have remained supportive of each other and friends through it all. 

Most of us hadn’t seen each other for over ten years. Sure, we watched each other grow through social media but actually being in the same room is a completely different animal and Chris had always hoped that something would bring us all together to party one more time. The way we used to. The way we rode 40+ deep where ever we all went. Pictures and memories attesting to this very thing. Every photo was a group pose. We were a family outside an actual blood connection. We did everything together. Spring break, New Years Eve, Gator football games, house parties, camping trips, you name it-there wasn’t one solo photo. There wasn’t one selfie. It was us, the gang, the crew, posing for the camera only to wait it out for the final result… Which inevitably always ended up on a collage board or a refrigerator somewhere. 

I was reminded this weekend that even though tribes shift and change over time, tribes still always remain. We are all those trees with roots, branches and leaves. We sway in the wind and release seeds for future growth and experiences. We become extensions of ourselves and the roads we all take but can easily come back to that same forest where we were young and just beginning. 

I returned to my hometown where everything had matured into a beautiful, lovely space-even the palm tree in my mother’s front yard had evolved. “Mom, when did we get a palm tree?” 

Much like I did when I stayed behind. Much like I have when I moved out west. Right now, I’m smiling writing this… just thinking about the directions I and everyone took. I’m smiling in contentment and satisfaction because a friend’s wish was finally granted, even though he wasn’t physically there to see it happen. I am happy and have a new outlook on life. My need and desire to keep in touch solidified even more. My expansion was never meant to stay back east. My expansion has not ended here as well. As the years progress, so will I. So will the towns and people I once called home… because this personal book of mine is home and whenever a part needs to be revisited, all I have to do is go back to the chapter marked, “Way Back When.”

It was incredible seeing everyone that has become a part of me-no matter the distance between us or the years that have passed. It was amazing to find those photos including one special one that Chris and I haphazardly took. Chris, was guiding me that night of this discovery. My intention somewhere else but him gently reeling me back into the current moment at hand. Forcing me to soak it all in as each photo was found. Showing me those words that lifted the weight I had carried all this time. Telling me, “Thank you for coming and I see you down on earth-doing what you love and being the person you always wanted to be.” 

I wanted to share those photos as I had talked about them the next day but given the circumstances, I knew these memories had to wait for another time. When I come back for the official visit I had initially planned the second I got my vaccine. 

This trip wasn’t planned as you can tell but neither are most deaths we seem to encounter. Chris’s certainly wasn’t and it’s going to take a while to get over this one but I’m not going to mourn because as his younger brother said, “Chris was never sad and for that, I have to push forward and look at life positively.” 

I saw myself in Chris in a lot of ways. I think this is why he always supported me the way he did. He understood that I too was unapologetic for the person I was, the way I looked at the world and the way my brutal honestly sometimes got the best of me. He respected the way I cherished and loved my family and friends, and the way I lived my gypsy life. He was proud of my loyalty and the way that loyalty included him and his family. I, like him, never surrounded that loyalty unless it was forcibly pushed on me and even then we both would still support from an invisible spot in the background. He found it authentic that I walked to the beat of my own drum and that that music was often accompanied beautifully calculated mixtapes. 

My friend was one of a kind. A crown jewel. A maker of his own path. I watched his videos and photos scroll down a wall laughing and loving each one. He had been all over the world and through those travels, had created some astonishing bonds. 

His father was humbled by the fact that so many people were there to say their final earthly goodbyes… But that was Chris-the man, the myth, the legend. The light we all gravitated toward. His middle brother, the one I dated for a few years, gave a heartfelt speech that in turn gave me a case of cutting a 100 metaphorical onions. And then I finally lost my shit with the speech that came right after-leaving the room to cry alone outside in the hot humid air. 

Man, I’m gonna miss this guy and his hilarious spin on things and I don’t believe only the good die young… I believe they are needed else where and I like to think that my friend’s soul will carry on-not only within the people he left behind but the next chapter he will transcend to. I don’t believe people just die and that’s just that. I believe death is an ending to another beginning and I believe Chris has just begun. He will come back in ways that are complex and can’t truly be defined or even spoken about without going into some deep philosophical rabbit hole that barely scratches the surface. 

I believe my friend will continue to see the world and visit the people he loved and meet strangers along the way. I believe my friend is part of the tree that once started with only a few roots.  

And I believe that I will see my friend one day again too-when it’s my time, decades from now. Until then though, I will hold onto his memory and the times we all shared. I will always remember to live in the moment, to cherish those around me and to explore every pocket of the world… But most importantly I will remember to never, absolutely under no circumstances, “Text while on the dance floor.” 

Stay safe out there,

The Blogging Bae.