Tiny Fragments and Weekly Visions

Last night, I couldn’t get to sleep. I’m a night owl regardless but last night well… she was being a little extra and the longer I procrastinated, the closer I got to my alarm going back off. Around 2:30am, I finally forced myself to take a hot shower and retreat to my bed. Where I tossed and turned for an hour or so. Finally falling out right before what felt like when I had to be back up. 

I guess sleeping like a rock on Monday night was not only due to emotional exhaustion and traveling to a different times zone but also me stockpiling lost hours that would come later. way Kind of like what a bear does when they hibernate for winter. 

Today was another long and full work day, in addition to a designated blog writing scheduled in. Before work, I write. After work, I write. And hopefully, I’m writing this until it’s done. You’d think full days like these would make someone ready for bed promptly at 10pm but instead my brain goes into warp speed like it’s ready to hit the club but not too early because it can’t be the first one.  And yeah, I’m tired right now but instead of taking a nap because I’m really not much of a napper, I’m pushing through and pushing on. Tomorrow I have off and I’m going to spend it in nature. Soaking up the sun and frolicking in water. 

But even when my day isn’t busy or my mental plate isn’t full or my mind isn’t racing and I happen to get a solid’s night sleep; I still wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept a wink. Most nights when I hit Sleepytown Slumberville, my active dream world takes flight. And, man… Are my dreams active AF. 

Mind you, I love my dreams! I appreciate my dream world and I relish in the fact that I’m one of those people that can vividly remember what happened the minute I fell asleep the second I wake up and continue to remember these details throughout the day and for weeks to come. I can also bank on the fact that I will dream nightly. So much so that I wouldn’t know how to react if I suddenly stopped dreaming altogether. I mean, I can’t even fathom what it’s like to not only not dream but when a dream does occur, be unable to remember that dream precisely. Yea, that’s how important my dream world is to me. 

One of my favorite dreams is reoccurring. I have never been here but in my mind, I know it like the back of my hand. I know it has hills and it’s on the ocean. I know the house and the apartment and the fresh water pools that always appear. I know the streets made of cobblestones and exactly where to go in the bustling town center. I know the hotel and my favorite cafe but most importantly I know how I feel when I get transported there. I visit this place so often that I have now dubbed it, “My Happy Place” because every time I wake up from this one specific dream, I am exactly that: happy. I am excited and thrilled that that’s where my dreamscape took me. In a weird way, I consider this spot a second home and if I could draw, I’d spend hours bringing this location to life on paper, rather than where it’s stuck instead… In my sleepyhead. 

For a while this specific dream seemed to all but disappear. I hadn’t dreamt of it in years, even though there where many nights I summoned myself to go there, I went everywhere but. Then in January, I was brought back once more and this weekly visit has continued for eight months straight. I used to enter this dream in a white house that overlooked the ocean. That’s where this dream began many years ago and that’s where I stayed for a while. By the white house are some caves that I can float through. They lead to the town center and an apartment building that overlooks the ocean and those fresh water pools. I am assuming I live in the apartment because no matter what, I end up there. It’s the one on the second floor, second door on the left.  

Most of the time, I don’t know anyone here but I still meet many of them. The cafe owner is a younger guy with shaggy hair and an amazing beach cruiser that he parks out front and rest his ‘Daily Specials’ sign on. The bar down the corner, is run by a women who’s heavily tattooed and has killer taste in music and a knack for making off the wall cocktails. There is a fruit stand next to the apartment and the woman who runs it is older with silver hair. Away from the center in a tree lined tree with older homes occupied by tarot readers and mystics, all with bells on their doors alluding to someone entering. I ride my beach cruiser or walk through the cobble streets, I visit all of these places, and make friends with every person I meet and my only hope as far as this dream is concerned is that it actually exists and I will actually stumble upon it. The ultimate Déjà Vu moment.  

Around the same time this reoccurring dream made its reappearance, a long lost friend came back into my life. This person-although at the time-I didn’t recognize had found me there. On one of the side streets a few blocks away from the apartment. The face wasn’t clear but the feeling was familiar. The feeling felt like home and just like this dream that has resurfaced every week like clockwork, so does my friend’s visitations. 

My friend always begins in this place, much like I always did at the white house. They show up at the hotel or bar or shop or cafe. They show up and they stay. They stay no matter what. They then move on to other dreams where a new sequence of stories starts. Watching me but taking me by surprise when I turn to see them behind me. Always standing behind me. Always standing in the distance waiting for the right time to let their presence know. Taking precedence over anyone or anything else in whatever dream I am having.

Quite frankly, my friend and I don’t really talk all that often so I don’t mind the weekly visits. I love catching up with folks, even if it is only in my dream world but I can’t help but wonder is the folklore true? When you dream of someone often does that really mean that are thinking of you that often too?

In previous posts I have said, “Keeping up with those you care about is important.” And trust me, I try to keep up as best as possible…But with us, in real life, it’s complicated and 99% of the time it’s just me reaching out anyway. Only to be ignored and that can downright feel defeating. I also just don’t understand where all the silence is stemming from? I don’t know why our friendship went astray? Not to mention, this type of friendship makes me feel like I am chasing someone that doesn’t want to be bothered at all-especially by me. However; in my dreams, this person does the exact opposite. They might be watching at first but eventually they come forward and stick by my side. We talk about everything. What makes us mad, what brings us joy, what we hope our futures hold. We dance. We laugh. We have a genuine time. They want me there. They never want me to leave. 

And maybe it’s my subconscious just wanting this to be our truth instead of what is because my subconscious knows the residual effects this person had on it? This person impacted my life in such a manner that it’s hard to even articulate the magnitude of their presence. It’s hard to describe or put into words what finding them has meant to me but both times they appeared: 20 years ago and 20 years later-they showed me a part of myself that I had forgotten all about. A part I needed to see and without them, I’m not sure I ever would. 

I’ve tried. Oh, how I have tried to explain all of this but it seems like my words get lost and twisted and never make much sense… But in my dreams, I am free. The words are clear and concise, the feeling isn’t questioned, the trust is still there and the only disappointment stems from when I have to leave and join the waking world.

In my soul of souls, I know that most things are not coincidental. There is a purpose. There is a bigger picture at play. I stay afloat because of this. I remain positive because of this and I look for signs. Tiny fragments of a puzzle that will actually make a full picture one day. Maybe all my dreams are signs? Maybe that one special place is a sign? Maybe, just maybe, my friend will come forward in real life the way they do in my weekly, nighttime visions. 

Until Next Time, 

Happy Dreaming

~x~

The Blogging Bae

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