Seven Degrees

 

In two days I fly out to go back east. I’m so tired of going back here just to say goodbye and fucking cry. 

I’m so angry. Why? Why? My beautiful friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in December. The kicker… it wasn’t breast cancer that killed her. It was an allergic reaction to chemo. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! 

I have been a mess. I haven’t broken down in tears but my mood has been an absolute mess and I am doing my best to hide it. Be strong. It’s taking every restraint not to want to take my fist and start punching things right and left. 

I thought going into a Gossip Girl hole would help and it did. Until I learned the dude on that show that yeah—if my book was made into a movie—I would consider to ask to play the part of Alex. He isn’t my first choice because of course the guy needed has to have striking blue eyes, but still… Nothing contacts can’t fix. That’s  not the point. That guy apparently dated a woman who is besties with an ex-lover of mine. 

Talk about seven degrees of separation. 

Ugh. I am trying to not lose my shit and be sent into a million broken pieces yet my past comes back to haunt me. 

You have to understand where we all lived. A music centered, liberal, artsy town. Tom Petty, Modest Mouse, Against Me!, Hot Water Music, River Phoenix and family. This was their stomping ground. It was a treasure trove of bliss. It is the small pond for big fish and I ultimately had to leave because the walls were closing in on me. 

My girls and I made a mass exodus one by one but my house held so many memories. The other girls and their homes were only a quick bike ride away. We were family. We were close. It was an incredible bubble of wild times. I lost myself there. I found myself as well. And then I left. I was one of the last to leave. 

That same ex-lover was a musician himself and wrote a song about me. He also thanked me for not sleeping with this one guy that I adored as a friend and still do but slept with everyone. 

Granted, I had my fair share of musician boyfriends and that ex-lover knew them all. He ran the town and he was one of the reasons I left. To this day, I will never be with another DJ or musician. The one ex I had before him actually now lives only a few blocks from me… ON THE WEST COAST! Believe me, that shit wasn’t planned. And, I am very certain I have run into him a few times. We play pretend. He is the only ex I am not friends with. Even the ex-lover and I are friends. 

Music, love, broken hearts… they riddled through the streets lined with Spanish Moss. But through it all, I had my girls and one of them is now gone. 

The hardest part is knowing now that I felt her passing. The night she died I couldn’t breathe. Something felt like it was suffocating me. Like a heaviness on my chest. I was trying to do my best not to panic. 

I took a shower and that did nothing. I was sad and frustrated. I tried to rest but my body was fighting it. I was fighting for every breath… Just like J was. I am here. She is gone and this is absolute bullshit. 

I couldn’t figure it out. I thought this energy belonged elsewhere because it usually does. 

I am not okay. My heart hurts. 

~🖤