Hello, Goodbye… Everything in between

 Hello. I hope you all are doing well. 

I am sitting on a plane headed back home. To the home I created when I left the east coast almost 12 years ago. 

Thoughts are flooding my brain. 

On Tuesday, I flew back to say goodbye to a soul sister. She was 45, a mother, a friend, a wife, and someone I will never forget. She died from complications of breast cancer. She didn’t even get a chance to fight the cancer because the chemo killed her first. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m all over the place. 

It was nice to be back with my girlfriends though. The tribe. The core group of women that if you saw one of us, all of us weren’t that far behind. We laughed. We cried. We shared stories of our beloved friend. 

I had always thought I was one of the last to leave that artsy, musically inclined town… but I wasn’t. I found out that during our mass exodus, I was one of the first… I was the third to leave. Right behind my friend who passed away. 

We all left for different reasons. Ultimately to spread our wings from the city that gave us those wings in the first place. Some came back, others stayed away. We spread out: Amsterdam, Salt Lake City, Portland, St. Augustine, St. Pete, Denver, and Orlando. We decided that funerals are no longer the reason to get back together again. 

And, granted, through the years we all did our best to stay in touch, we realized it wasn’t enough. 

Like someone said at the funeral—we are past the age of baby showers and weddings and now it looks like funerals are what will bring us back together and that isn’t acceptable to us anymore. 

In fact, I am exhausted from this being reason I am coming back for a visit. Thankfully, I am going back east for my nephew’s graduation in May. 

I also have a ladies trip planned in the near future and I am looking forward to it. The hardest part about moving away was leaving this amazing group of women behind, but I knew I had to go. There was a stirring inside me. There was the realization of stagnation if I stayed. I had outgrown that hipster town. Also, the ex lover was making it hard to go anywhere and meet anyone. 

I needed a change. I don’t feel guilty about leaving. It was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. I do, however, miss my girls immensely. It’s been a difficult feat to find solid girlfriends where I live. I have a few and I am grateful but it is nothing like my sisterhood back east, and being back with them made me realize how grateful I am to have bonded with such incredible women when I did and how that bond has lasted decades. 

And, although, I often feel like I am usually the one that reaches out the most… I need to let that go and understand, “So what?” Let me be the first. My connections mean everything to me and if you are in my life rest assured it is because you are important. Saying hello takes two seconds and I am no longer filling myself with pride because I would rather say hello than goodbye. 

My friend’s son is now without his mother. I am now without my friend. She will be immortalized through memories and that is a bittersweet pill to swallow. She was supposed to grow old and gray with the rest of us. I am hoping this is the last funeral I will have to attend for a while. 

I know her spirit will live and love on through us all. I know every time I hear an Avett Brothers song she is stopping by to say hello. I know she is up there with many others I have lost and if I can’t have her here at least I have another guardian watching over me. 

I keep saying it because it still needs to be said… life is short. Make the most of it and remember being busy isn’t worth it if you are losing everyone you love because of timing. One day, I won’t be here either and I just hope that the most important part of my legacy is the memories I helped people create. A story someone can tell that I was a part of. A piece of me that someone looks fondly on. 

I love you all and thank you for being here with me. 

~regina

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