Let It Burn

 

Hello. It’s been a while. I almost walked away, but this blog is part of me and I just can’t hide anymore. 

It’s not fair. 

It’s not okay that the reason I was forced to walk away was because someone couldn't admit their wrongdoing. 

That they chose to make me the villain in their story instead of owning up to the mess they created and their actions behind getting caught. 

I went against my better judgment and reached out. I was told I should. But, in all honesty, I am not sure I should have been the one to extend the olive branch. 

I was the one used. I was lied to and talked about. I was shit on when all I did was care. I was used for information and used to be someone’s ego boost… and yet here I am wanting no ill-will. Why? 

Because that's who I am. I am a decent person. 

I have been in Paris for the last week for a writing conference and that in and of itself was an awe-inspiring event. It was also exhausting and emotional. 

Yet, because I didn't play victim or run a game on someone’s feelings, I was tossed aside as usual. 

There have been moments of absolute bliss during this trip—the people I have met, the memories I have made, and the connections I have set up will never go without vain. However, it should have been better. Even if it just meant meeting for a drink. 

I do not need to be lied to or felt sorry for. In fact, I don't even need to be a talking point but I have been and my name has been bashed by someone I truly held in high regard. 

I was there when someone screamed ‘sisterhood’ and I naively believed they knew what that meant. When they didn't, and they used me to hurt someone else. 

I have carried guilt but I shouldn't be because it wasn't I who did all the damage. But to admit that would mean this other person had to accept what they had done as well. 

It was easy for them to toss me aside. It was easy to stomp on me and throw daggers in my back. And. That. Really. Sucks. 

I even chopped off my hair to be unrecognizable, but sadly I saw one person as they walked by knowing where I was. They sought me out. Again. But, somehow, I am sure that story will be twisted the other way around. 

For the past few months, I have wanted a resolution but that is too much to ask. What I deserve will never be what I get. 

But, I can tell you this… I am tired too. I am hurt and sad and ready to go back to my home state. I am ready to leave all of this behind me and never look back again and that breaks my heart. 

I guess to be a beautiful writer, you have to be aching in some way. 

I will heal though and they, one day, will finally get it… how they hurt me and threw me away.