I’ll Be Over Here

 There have been many times in my life when I have resented coming home after being abroad. I'm not happy returning to the States and long to return to some magical places I was just visiting. 

However, on my most recent trip, I was ready to leave. I was excited even. Honestly, I was super depressed in Paris. It was very different from the last time I was there. I know the reason why but I also concluded, that Paris isn't the city for me. Don't get me wrong Paris is a lovely place, but I was there for a writer’s conference. 

A very intense and week-long therapy session on how to become a better writer. I wasn't prepared to rip myself apart and dig deeper. I came in being the only fiction writer in the group. I was exhausted by the time I came back to my Airbnb. I was mentally zapped and physically drained. It also didn't help feeling like I had to hide myself away once I got back to where I was staying. 

The first few nights I was there, I let my guard down and chatted it up with a guy who came out of nowhere and wanted to instantly make out. He kept asking if I was alone. I was but I wasn't going to let him know that. I was trying to be nice and didn't want to make a scene and didn't want to leave where I was in case he watched the building I went into. 

Finally, at the end, he leaned over and groped my tit. Calmly, I said, “Since you touched me, now I can touch you.” He smiled unaware that I was going in for the kill. I punched him right in his dick. He scurried away crouched over in pain. 

I have traveled all over the world and I have only had three encounters with aggressive men who can't take no for an answer. 

Paris is supposed to be a magical city full of romance and beauty. To me, it was overcrowded, grimy, dirty, and full of men who seemed to be deprived of manners and self-restraint. They are overly confident and expect us all to swoon just because they are French. And don't get me started on how many men I French men I counted peeing in the streets. Yes, this is a thing. Well-dressed, professional men just whipping it out and pissing all over the streets of Paris. 

Even sitting by my window and people-watching caused unwanted attention. There was only one guy who was respectful and knew his limits. He happily danced and went on his merry way. I appreciated that guy. 

Most days, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep all day because I was utterly sad. I felt this heaviness. I felt exhausted. But, I couldn't because of my conference. 

Maybe it was the looming situation going on that had my apprehensions up, but even still, I extended an olive branch just to clear the air. 

The branch was ignored so the heaviness continued. 

The olive branch will never be extended again. Not on my end anyway. I came to realize that that gesture only made me look foolish and yet again wasn't reciprocated. I also came to realize I never should have extended anything because I was the one who had been hurt. I am owed a long-thought-out apology. 

While I hid away in Paris, the people who used me sat content knowing what they had done and well, I am no longer hiding to make desperate, insecure individuals feel better about themselves... And play victim over taking responsibility for their actions. I guess it’s easier to manipulate a situation than to fix it. 

Sadly, Paris became this place that I will most likely stay away from for years to come. I guess three times is enough for me for the time being. 

The thing is… I felt it in my bones as soon as I landed back in the States. I felt lighter… like a weight had been lifted off of my back. I made some incredible connections and met some truly supportive individuals who helped me realize my potential as a writer. I may have been the only romance writer there, but there is a need for my genre and truly these folks who went through this cathartic adventure with me, helped me grow. 

I have been back in my city for a couple of weeks and for once in a very long time, I am excited about how my second book is panning out. I am churning out pages full of incredible edits and rewriting my second book to stand on its own or fall in line with the series. 

I have made myself more visible as well as my own muse. Learning that I was all on my own had to happen so I could release what was holding me back. 

Life is full of lessons and I learned many when I was in Paris for a week. The most valuable was this… Just how truly happy I am in the city where I reside and how I had to get away to see exactly that. 

And, as I took a little stroll around my neighborhood today, I felt peace. I felt lucky that I didn't see anyone pissing in the street or that I didn't feel unsafe. I felt proud that my city streets weren't weighed down with trash and grime. 

Yes, I know my metropolitan city has its problems too but for the most part, it's a beautiful place to live. In many ways, it does remind me of a few cities back in Europe. Cafes, bakeries, eateries, a plethora of parks, and nature and history. Little pockets where there is something new to see and experience. Every neighborhood has its vibe. And just like in Paris, I can walk everywhere. I can take the metro. I can find myself people-watching. I can hear the church bells ring. 

I love it here and it might not be forever, but it is my now and that is all I am focused on currently. The now! Not the past or the future, but the current moment that's helping me thrive. 

Love you all and have a beautiful weekend wherever you may be. 

~x