Going Native

 It’s dreary and cold outside and I have been sick all weekend. Needless to say, I’m not in a very good mood. 

But those aren’t the reasons behind my salty attitude… it goes deeper than that. Even though I hate being sick, I will get over it. Even though I hate the shitty weather, I can layer up and distract myself with things indoors. No. None of that is the reason. The real reason… my patience is wearing thin. 

Currently, I am confused. Irritated. Frustrated. Sad. I’m in a headspace that seems to be controlled by someone else. Someone who holds all the cards. Plays them when they want but holds them close most of the time. I get bits and pieces. Bread crumbs thrown out just to keep me there… waiting for fucking more… because I’m starving and I need more. 

I’ve never been a selfish person. I’m not even sure I know how. I deal with a lot. I forgive a lot and there have only been a couple of times when I have completely walked away. Disappeared from someone’s life that made it clear my presence didn’t matter much anyway. 

And right now, I am at that very crossroads. Do I stay or do I go? I don’t like this place because I know who I am and what I possess and it’s gut-wrenching when someone I care about doesn’t see the same. 

It wasn’t for my lack of trying or lack of love to give… it was just them disregarding me time and time again. And I, finally coming to terms with, no matter how much I make myself visible… I’m the last thing someone will ever see. 

I hear all the excuses.

-I’m busy.

-I’m tired. 

-I’m doing other things. 

-I have a laundry list of items that come before you. 

Don’t we all have these excuses because life is like this regardless? Yet… when it’s convenient… all those same excuses hang by the wayside so here I am in limbo. Not knowing if I am coming or going and what my presence actually means. 

It’s so easy for others to walk away so why don’t I have the strength to do the same? Why can’t I be dismissive and uncaring and not the slightest bit concerned? 

Why do I have to have feelings and emotions and sensitivity? Someone tell me how to let these traits go! 

Because I don't want to feel anything. I don't want lame emotions or carry a sensitive heart. I want to be cruel and cold and unattached. I want to be unavailable. 

I want to try that shoe on for a while. And not just for a week or so... A long, long while. Is that what people do to get what they want? Remove themselves to see if their absence is felt. 

Maybe so because isn’t that what some say... Focus on yourself so what you are asking for finds its way to you. 

For the record though, I thought that's what I have been doing this whole time... Without discounting anyone else. I love human connections but I am starting to believe, I am the only one. So, I'm not really sure where to go next. Do I join ‘em or beat ‘em? Do I become a person I don't want to be or do I become a better version of myself? 

All I know today... At this current moment... I'm going to try that other shoe on. I am going to walk in it and see how it feels. 

Maybe there will be a balance in the end? 

Maybe I will get lucky? 

-x-