40 Hours and A Million Moments

 

Good morning friends, it’s Sunday here where I live and I got up early to embrace the day with full speed ahead. Even though I am fighting, yet again, another damn cold. 

In about eight working business days, I will be reclaiming my life. I will be ending one chapter to start a new exciting one. I will no longer be looking at Sunday’s as going by way too fast or a ticking time clock calling me to bed. 

I, come August 26th, will be putting my teacher’s hat away. Although this decision has been mulled over for months now and comes in waves in the most bitter and sweet of ways, it was a decision I had to make and a decision I am happy with making. 

And even though I am a damn good teacher, my passion for teaching is no longer there… and I truly believe you should be passionate about what you do and where you place your majority of time and energy. Otherwise you are going to spend a lot of time regretting what you could have actually done. 

This job, as a whole, is swallowing me hole. What it came down to though was one major factor and that was this: my commute. I spend 40 hours a month driving to and from my job. On a good day my commute is cut in half but most of the time, I spend an hour or more in traffic and I don’t know how any of us came to the conclusion that this is okay? 

I get to work early and teach all day and then I leave late and get home with only a couple of hours to spare before I have to start this hamster wheel all over again. 

Most days, I’m exhausted and force myself to do other things my brain just doesn’t want to do. For example, promoting my book. The very thing I want to make my true bread and butter from… and even that is becoming too much of a daily task. 

Speaking of… my publishing company wants me to get the ball rolling for book two. I do have a few chapters already written but given how exhausted I am on a weekly basis, these chapters are all over the place. My focus isn’t there and this needs to be the most important thing I am focusing on.

But bills have to paid so the job takes precedence over everything else and that had to change. Sure, I am going to miss my students and my school and I am very nervous about my next venture but I can’t let those things stop me from reaching my goals. So I had to make a change… I had to alter my life. 

I can’t let fear and doubt and worry control my personal outcome. Everything I have ever wanted, I have gotten. None of which was manifested overnight and this new job is no exception. I have been eyeing this place since I moved right around the corner from it for months now but I wasn’t sure there was a position for me? I wasn’t sure until the timing was absolutely right in making the choice to try. I was hired last Sunday and gave my resignation to my school on Monday. 

My bosses were just as sad as I was but fully understood and supported me… they even said, the door remains open if I ever wanted to come back. They weren’t bitter or angry… they fully got why I was making this decision to leave. Later that day, my one boss reiterated that not only is she going to miss me as a teacher but she is going to miss me as a person she sees regularly because she genuinely likes me. 

That sentiment warmed my heart. It spoke volumes about who I am and what I bring to any table. 

Every year there is a theme to that said year. 2020 was all about pausing and reflecting. 2021 was about unexpected surprises and how I handled change. 2022 has been all about letting go of the things that no longer fit. Be it: a relationship of some kind, a job of some sort, or something I wanted to hold onto given what I invested. I am a creature of habit and I don’t like walking away from most things but I have learned that some aspects in life are, in fact, meant to be left behind in order to plunge forward and grow. 

Every day I wish for my book to be successful. I pray for this journey to take me to the path I have always dreamed of being on and as I write this very sentence out, I stare at a clocking flashing 11:11. An angel number that means manifesting wishes. 

But with that comes working toward said wishes as well and as it stands now… my book/book series has been placed on the back burner. And I don’t want that anymore. I chose my dream over job security. I chose something closer to give myself a few extra hours in my day to focus on writing. I gave up one thing in exchange for personal happiness. 

It’s funny because I was recently told by a friend that they wanted to be happy. That was their birthday wish. I wondered what that meant exactly because most of us are after the same thing and well, happiness is vague and broad and bleeds into so many other factors in life. 

Unfortunately, this person also claims that they are extremely busy all the time so I wonder how they will ever obtain that happiness if this is the crutch that is always used. Does happiness mean you are too busy to chase other things? Does happiness mean you have to sacrifice all of yourself in every corner of your life? Does happiness just magically appear out thin air without any effort put forth? 

In my opinion, that isn’t happiness at all. That’s a scapegoat and an excuse that keeps you stagnant and prevents you from going after your ultimate goal of be happy. 

Honestly, I laugh every time my friend comes back with the same ole, same ole. I’m not trying to sound narcissistic and this isn’t at all a competition but no one right now is busier than me… yet I still find time for people, places, experiences and all those millions of moments that make this life a beautiful story that is getting written. 

The “busy” comment got so bad that I stopped reaching out as often. Sure, I think about them every day and sure, I want to talk to them at least once a week… because that’s how I am with people I care about… I have learned that’s only me. I have learned from my commute to work, the effort it takes to get there isn’t worth the tiny sliver of energy given back. It isn’t worth the drive or the money or even showing up. 

It’s not a fair exchange. 

My time and energy are just as precious as anyone else’s and I’m learning that my wants and needs are very much part of my time and energy. They go hand-in-hand. I don’t need to make my presence known to people or situations that just aren’t cutting it anymore. Be it: a relationship of some kind, a job of some sort, or something I am trying to hold onto. 

During my commutes, I have had a lot of time to think. I turn on my playlists and I think. I think about where I want to be in five years and where I have been in the last ten. I think about what I have worked for and what hasn’t worked for me. I think about about all those moments that created a hard outer shell as well as a warm kind soul. I think about everything. 

But I will always have time to think and the show must go on. My personal story and the books I’m trying to write… must now be taken into account. 

Who knew at 42, so many changes would occur in such a short amount of time. So many lessons would be had and so many goals would become full frontal. 

I guess that’s what it means to be happy even when happiness seems hard to find. 

Until Next Time, 

X