Up and Down and All Around We Go
My buddy/neighbor did take me out for drinks on Friday and I got to drown my sorrows but also met two lovely ladies-one in which-I made plans with to hang soon enough… so at least there is that.
Saturday, I cured a hangover and tried to keep my mind off of the tragic reality that has become my country. I could go into all my feelings about what happened on Friday but quite frankly between the rage and sadness, I just don’t have it in me at this time.
Instead… I am going to talk about my book. Because for the love of Goddess it needs to sell so I can stop getting in fights with my husband about bills.
Here’s my reality: my husband and I split everything down the middle and although he has provided for me at times, that act never goes undone without a constant reminder of what he has done. And truth be told, I have never had the luxury to truly feel comfortable knowing that a partner will ever take care of me. I’m not that kind of lucky girl that got a Prince to sweep her off her feet in and support her.
Everything I have, I have earned by some form or working.
My husband and I recently moved as well as shut down our small business. I know going to Italy in the midst of all of that probably wasn’t the most responsible thing to do yet I really had no say in the matter. Like I have said before, my mother purchased my airfare to go. However, I had to purchase the airfare back and come up with my own spending money. Which I am not complaining… I really didn’t want her paying for anything but since she surprise gifted my arrival, I had no other choice.
It’s been a talking point of my husband’s ever since I returned home. With this trip, I did lose out on two paychecks. I know this and it sucks…. it’s also the sad reality of not being full time until right before I left.
Here’s the thing though… on top of working for mine and my husband’s business, I got a second job. The same teaching job I have now. I was only part-time from December to March though but once April hit, I became a full-time teacher. I don’t mind. I like working, the kids are sweet and the school I work for is lovely. My bosses truly want their teachers to succeed… and it’s nice to be in that type of working environment. Even if the commute is awful most days.
Unfortunately, my full time status wasn’t enough to collect enough paid time off so for most of June I have been sans money. Relying on my husband to foot the bills for a while. Something, mind you, I was doing since December.
While my business was failing though… a miraculous door was opening up for me. I wrote a book and it got published. I’m now trying to promote the hell out of it as well as write it’s sequel then it’s finale.
There never seems to be enough time in the day or on the weekends but I am doing my best. I even considered getting another job but honestly, I can’t. Even though I know I would enjoy it… I just fucking can’t.
While I started full time, my husband was tying up loose ends with our business but was also not working. He was sans work for an entire month which in my opinion, kinda equals out to the trip I just took and the money I lost because of it.
He has complained though that I left him with nothing but the fact of the matter is, my paycheck goes in electronically and there was no way to give him money beforehand or during my holiday away but furthermore… STFU already. I have been back for a few weeks now and I am over hearing about how he had to hold shit down while I was away.
And I will repeat this because it irks the shit out of me but every time I tried to save prior to this vacation, a bill needed to get paid and my meager part-time earnings was the one to do it. What we had left from our business and savings paid all the major bills… which for some reason, he doesn’t credit me for that either. I had a hand in those savings as well as whatever we earned with our business. Yet… here I am again getting everything held over my head.
This is the thing with my marriage, although my husband is a great guy… don’t get me wrong… most of the time, I feel when it comes to that feeling of safety and dependence, there isn’t much there.
One of his favorite sayings now is, “When are you going to take care of me?” This, of course, is said right after I say…”You are the husband and man… step up.”
Okay… I get it. That’s a ruthless statement but it’s no more ruthless than making your wife feel like, on top of everything else, she needs to be the main provider. I mean, why the fuck get married if that’s the general feelings one has. I’m all about feminism but damn at some point, I’d like to feel like the woman and be taken care of without it being thrown in my damn face or a partner resenting that particular role.
The audacity though. I’m all for taking care of you but damn when does that entitled arrogance stop? Let me get this straight… you want me to take care of you while you hoard your paychecks like a squirrel.
When the hell did men turn into this? And yea… I say men because my husband isn’t alone in this way of thinking. I am seeing this mentality far too much. He’s not taking all the blame without you bros going down with him. Oh no… you are all guilty of this.
Ironically enough though, I did want to take care of him. Specifically, next month when my first set of royalties from my book come in. I wanted to take him on a trip for his birthday… which happens to be a day after our wedding anniversary. We got married the day before his birthday to honor his mother who passed away when he was 25. Her birthday being the day before his. Yes, yes… even though he was all for that… he has also thrown that in my face as well. Maybe, I guess, I shouldn’t have suggested that date after all?
Regardless, I wanted to take him somewhere to celebrate in 42nd. I wanted to treat him because he complains he never gets to travel. I wanted to treat him to show him that I do appreciate everything he has done for me…. And I didn’t even mention the anniversary once.
His response to this request, “No. We have bills to pay and I would rather not.”
Fun times.
Firstly, I have no qualms about using some of my book money on bills but I will be damned if all the work I put into this book and all the time I spent promoting it, goes just to bills.
Secondly, life isn’t just about working hard to pay fucking bills but hey, it’s your birthday and you’d rather not.
I know paying bills is part of life and being a responsible adult but it’s not all there is. You can pay bills and work and still live! You are allowed to have a life.
Truly, I hope my book sales are going well and on my end, I am doing everything I can to ensure that that’s a possibility. I am trying to be as proactive as possible. I haven’t asked about my sales because honestly, I don’t want to know so I have no clue what to expect. I’m not being irresponsible, I just know the moment I find out, I will fixate on it and that can go two ways: I will get lazy if sales are good or feel like a failure if sales are bad. Either way, I will get complacent when it comes to promoting it. So for now, I’d rather be oblivious until I receive my first check.
Not to mention, to make more sales, I have to pay to play and right now, I just don’t have it. I will invest more into my book once I see where I am at but for now… it’s little ole me doing whatever I can, whenever I can all the while hearing basically from my husband, that I’m not doing enough… or that I don’t appreciate him enough… or that enough is still too little. So with that said, I ask when is enough actually enough?
When is writing a book, spending nights promoting it, going to work before and after I had another job, doing household work after real work… on top of so much more… enough? When do I get a chance to hear the words, “Babe… let me take care of you.”
I’m pretty sure… I never will and sadly I have accepted that fate. Mind you… I am not looking to be rescued. I don’t have a problem standing on my own two feet when it comes to a marriage or partnership but it does get exhausting sometimes.
Women who want to be financially taken care of aren’t gold diggers. We are tired bitches fending for ourselves and if we commit to this idea of matrimony then we’d like to know that it’s an expense you can afford.
You know before I found out I couldn’t have children… when my business with my husband first started out… he made a comment about children. I can’t remember exactly what he said verbatim but it went a little like this: when you are pregnant, you won’t be able to do some of the labor intensive work our business requires which would fall on him… and because of that… it wouldn’t be fair to get paid as much as he does because I wouldn’t be contributing equally.
So cool. I guess it’s a good thing I physically can’t have children. Lord knows, I don’t need those nine months I carried around his kid and “ate bonbons on the couch” thrown in my face for the next 18 years.
It took six years for him to finally shut up about helping me move to join him in our new western adventure. And that conversation only came to a halt because my mother got involved and told me, right in front of him, to leave him if he can’t stop throwing that in my face.
Thankfully and for the most part, he has stopped that petty grievance. He did, however, bring it up today. And maybe I am venting because right now and given the recent government choke hold on women in general, my tolerance for the male species is zero to none. I’m kinda at this point that if you have a penis, you are on my shit list.
So I am sorry that my husband is the brunt of it all but at the same time, he is digging his own fucking grave with his sharp tongue and daggers thrown.
Ooooooh… you had to buy groceries while I was away. Ooooh… you had to pay bills out of your own paycheck from a job you just started while I have been working one in addition to the one I had for months on end. Ooooooh… you had to step up and take the lead. Well, holy shit… are you okay???
Let’s not forget the other little daggers about how I should have prepared and saved more before going to Europe in the first place.
Yes, my love… I agree and guess what? I tried but every time I turned around what I tried to save was spent on a bill because I was the only one working… TWO FUCKING JOBS.
Listen… I am not trying to bash my husband. I am married, have been for almost four years… and we were together for three before that soooo I am allowed to vent. I am allowed to be angry. I am allowed to look at my husband and say, “You aren’t my favorite person right now and no! I don’t want to fuck.”
You know, my dudes, y’all would get a lot more pussy if you actually treated us like fucking queens instead housekeepers, worker bees, your mother, or a sexual conquest. Call me crazy but if you’d treat us the way you want to be adored and looked after, we’d be all over that dick. We’d drop our pants and be your sexual vixen every five fucking seconds. We’d give you so much V that you’d possibly think your junk got broken from all its use.
But no… that’s mostly not the case. So take it up with management… and by management… I mean… your own freaking reflection.
Anyway… that’s my Ted Talk… thanks for joining me and giving me the space to bitch! And please, by all means, buy my freaking book. PLEASE! BUY. MY. BOOK!
It’s a romance novel set in the past and present. It’s got a sexy, spicy vibe, and it will make you want to travel or make love… or do both hopefully. From what the fans say… it’s funny and well written and it’s a book you don’t want to put down. Which I can attest to because I saw someone pick it up and not put it down once she started reading it.
It’s called Falling Backward and it’s available on Amazon.
Until next time,
Regina
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