Take It All

 Today is International Women’s Day…. A day where we are all supposed to celebrate being a woman and women in general. Cool. Out of 365 days, my gender gets one! Yippee…skippee! Thank God, I have this one day to hold me down. 

By the way, if you are looking for some light-hearted, motivational post today… THIS AIN’T IT! Feel free to pass this one on bye if you can’t handle the bitterness spewing out of me right now. Trust me, the way today is going… the way the last ten months have been going… I won’t be offended. 

For starters, I am sick. I have been fighting a cold for the past few weeks and I thought I beat it until a whole new round of viruses ran rampant through my school yet again. Because unfortunately, I live in a country that could care less whether or not its working population is actually healthy. Meaning, parents can’t afford to take off from work therefore take their sick kids out of school. 

Still, I went in today. Slight fever, stomach all sorts of wrecked, a head feeling foggy and a chest feeling as though an elephant is sitting his happy ass on it. 

Secondly though, during my lunch break I got a terrifying call from my spouse. He had fallen on ice on our walkway outside. A part of the walkway that’s concrete and has stairs. It’s been snowing and this part of the walkway rarely sees the sun. Soooo yea… the ice never gets a chance to melt. My husband thankfully did not bash his head in but injured his back, landed on his two arms, and can barely move now. Although he doesn’t want to go to the hospital, I am still now taking the rest of the day off to see if yes, in fact, the hospital is where we have to go. 

Today is all about giving praise to women’s strengths but quite frankly… I am over being strong. The last ten months has done nothing but question my strength and today’s bullshit is my breaking point. 

Fine. You got me! You got me universe. You got me to finally believe you are not in my corner. You might think that my husband falling is small potatoes compared to what is going on in the world but in my own personal bubble, it’s the feather that has broken the fucking table. A table compacted and weighed down with utter shit. 

The only thing keeping myself afloat is my book and wanting to see it all the way through and make it to its launching date. And really, that is not fucking fair. There should be more making me want to wake up every morning and conquer yet again another shitty day of disappointments. 

Almost eleven years ago, I was at my wit’s end with life. I was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits but something kept me going. I knew something great was bound to happen and that all that pain would just end up being lessons and validations for how strong I truly can be and why I chose to hang around instead of give up. I have no more strength to muster though. And this year… well this year, is doing its damnedest to ensure I come full circle with those choice to actually stay. I am at the edge looking down and that fall doesn’t seem as terrifying as it once was. Because you know what… if my life is only going to be about struggling, you…my dear sweet universe, can have this shit show.

Everywhere I turn another hope or dream has come tumbling down as if to say, “No, no Regina. Don’t you dare get excited. You aren’t allowed such luxuries. You aren’t allowed to live a life you love… you aren’t allowed to be one of the lucky ones.” 

Meanwhile, I watch the worst of the worst float through life without a care in the world. Without being faced with choices because apparently that’s what this is all about. CHOICES! So where are the choices for everyone else? Why do some have all while others have very little? And yet I am supposed to cheer because today is designated to celebrate my kind. 

What kind of trade off is this? Why can’t I have the life I dream of while other wonderful plans are being created? I call bullshit now to all the Law of Attraction crap I keep seeing. There is no Secret. It’s just a whole bunch of lies. Things shouldn’t have to crash down for better to come along and if that’s the case, then when exactly are these “better things” coming? I am over waiting. I am over picking up pieces and I am damn sure over this bullshit life. Cool… lemme struggle some more because I haven’t struggled long enough. Cool… lemme learn another valuable lesson because I haven’t learned enough. Cool… lemme have one more break down of epic proportions so you can tell me how strong I am one day out of the fucking year. 

KEEP GOING! Fuck you. You keep going. 

STAY STRONG! Fuck you. You stay strong. 

KEEP FUCKING SMILING! Fuck you… walk in my shoes and lets see how often you feel like hiding all your pain so others feel more comfortable with your disdain. 

I AM WRITING to talk myself off of this ledge but to be brutally honest, I am waiting for someone to come along and just push me off. My heart hurts and bleeds for those supposed better days that are coming. But, really? Really, are they ever coming though? ‘Cuz from where I am standing nothing is getting better. It’s one mess after the other but go on… please by all means, go on. Tell me… one more fucking time NOT TO GIVE UP. 

Do tell of that crystal ball you see into the future. My future… the one filled to the brim with happy moments. Calm. Peace. And dreams fucking coming true. 

Oh wait, you mean there is no crystal ball after all? You mean, all this effort is for nothing. Oh, that effort is for something… it’s just for another day on this hamster wheel. It’s just for another day to fight for survival and a breath to catch and a break that’s ultimately just a mirage I will never reach. 

So have it. Take it all… because that’s what you wanted anyway. For me to turn into a lost soul that doesn’t believe in shit. To turn my back on who I am and the very hope that surrounds my very name. You won, universe. YOU FUCKING WON! You wanted me to stop having faith. You got it. You want me to turn into someone else. Turn my back on being decent and loving and kind. You got that too. You broke me. You want me cold and made of stone. Here I am. You got me. 

I hope you are happy.