The Show Must Go On

If you are looking for a happy-go-lucky post today, this isn’t the one. Sorry folks, right now I am too stressed to feel anything besides numbness and little faith. However, if ya wanna stick around for this and send me some positive vibes afterward… I will greatly appreciate it. 

I’m stressed to the max and have been for a few months. I am used to playing the role of ‘strong one’ but at this current moment my very strength… the thing I pride myself on is wavering. The only thing keeping myself afloat is knowing that I have a book series to write. 

I am at the center of uncertain times and I am not talking about this pandemic. 

I have worked so damn hard in the past few years that my life seemed to be going in the direction I always wanted it to go but just like life, the rug got yanked from under me. 

Everything I worked for has now disappeared and it’s absolutely gutting. 

I fully believe that the Universe works in mysterious ways and that as long as I have faith, I will land on my feet but I gotta be honest, I am tired of acting like a cat. I am exhausted from having to land on my feet. I am tired of getting close to the goal and kicking the ball outside of the posts. I am at my wit’s end with life taking me for one wild ride after the next. 

Ten years ago, life tested everything I had and I survived it… I thought if I got through that then I could get through anything. And yea, I still believe this but damn I am over this “test” coming back around just to see if my strength is still as strong. I’m strong, goddammit now let it fucking be! 

I know my value. I know my worth. I know I can’t cry. Even though I am at that point. The pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat are slowly emerging to the surface. My prayer hands are shaky and weak and I want to turn my back on the very things I believe in most but I can’t. I have to keep trudging through this cold, murky water until I come out a disheveled and broken mess. I hate these waters. No one should be forced to go through them. Ever! But, I have gone through them enough times for 20 mother fuckers. 

I don’t want for much. I want to live comfortably. I want to help my family. I want to live happily with my tiny slice of the pie but I am slowly learning that unless I am a greedy, self-serving fucktwit, I can’t get any pie… I am forced to eat crumbs. I am forced to choke down all the bullshit and remain calm. I wanna set fire to it all. I wanna watch it burn and walk away with the matches in hand. I wanna scream, lose my damn mind, and break into a million pieces but I can’t. I have to stay strong. I have to stay positive. I have to keep marching like a warrior ready for the fight. 

So instead of flipping the fuck out, I made a playlist. I woke up today pushing down that lump in my throat and counting the newest gray hair that has popped up from all the stress. For months, I have repeated, “It will get better.” In hopes that it will but every time I turn around, things get worse. There is no better in sight. I try to be proactive instead of depressed. I try to muster up the only ‘will’ I have left… which at this point isn’t fucking much. I will go on though because as Queen sang, “The show must go on.” 

I know doors open and close for a reason but here’s the gut kicking reality! In order for one door to open, I have to walk through this metaphorical hallway in order to arrive to that said door and you know what? This fucking hallway is long and dark and full of rickety planks with rusty nails I am trying to dodge. 

The past few months have been absolute fuckery and I am fucking over it! I don’t deserve this shit. I am a good fucking person and I am tired of watching awful humans thrive while I try to just fucking survive. It isn’t fair and if one of you says while reading this, “Life isn’t fair.” That statement will fall on deaf ears. I don’t want to hear it. Life should be fair. Life wasn’t meant to be enjoyed by a select chosen few. It wasn’t meant for one person to have it all while others have none. It wasn’t meant for me to be constantly thrown in the holy pit of hellfire. 

And let’s get one thing straight, having gratitude shouldn’t be lumped in with being angry. One does not negate the other. Like, suddenly being pissed off now controls the trajectory of universal magic. I am sorry Law of Attraction Gurus but I am allowed to be frustrated that being a Positive Polly isn’t paying off! I am extremely grateful. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and clean water to drink. I have my health and my family and a handful of friends that always have my back but I shouldn’t always have to pit these two things against each other. I shouldn’t have to say, “Well, at least I have this and that” to counteract the bullshit that comes at me like a tornado I can’t fucking escape. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FEAR THAT MY ACTUAL FEARS ARE GOING TO FUCK ME UP! 

“You are what you think!” Well, fuck that and fuck you for telling me that the second something isn’t working and I stress about it, I am going to ruin all the ‘bounty’ coming my way. I didn’t create this mess but I dam sure have to clean it up, now don’t I? So Universe, I have one question? At what point do you step in? When do I get to tag myself out and let you do the work you said you’d do? The work you keep promising me you’ll do as long as I keep going to bed every night feeling grateful? As long as I keep clawing my way along! As long as I keep searching for a place to put my hands so I don’t fall head first off of this mountain! When do you show up and take the wheel? I am fucking waiting. 

Yesterday, I finished my Christmas decorations, which is kinda funny given that I am almost certain there will be no Christmas this year. It might be another year that I pretty much boycott this shit because I am in no mood to celebrate. I mean what is there to celebrate? Okay… there are a few things to celebrate but again, these things should not become a bargaining chip. A couple of outstanding moments should not be few and far in between. A year has 365 days and a person should not only be allotted a handful of good times. What kind of fucking average is that? 

A few years ago, I went on a road trip with two of my girlfriends. We couch-surfed through the United States and one of the spots we stayed had the makings of every horror film every made. It looked like the place people sought refuge after being chased by two brothers who look like the family tree only has one branch. Only to be met by that one pleasant looking brother that used the other two to lure innocent victims in. Meanwhile, the rest of the family sits in the basement waiting to feast on your body parts. 

The place was in the middle of the desert. The guy who owned the house also owned two pet ravens and in his pseudo makeshift driveway was about ten abandoned cars deep. Maybe I have seen too many horror films or maybe I have been to too many of these types of creepy mountain towns but I was on heightened alert. I said a prayed before I went in, surveyed the area, and looked for the nearest hard object I could use as a weapon. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK and as a woman have had to deal with my fair share of sketchy dudes up to no good but I will say this, I’m not dying at the hand’s of one of them. My horror movie will turn into a Kill Bill situation real quick. And I am wearing the yellow fucking jumpsuit. 

I digress…

A few hours in, I realized the guy was a mechanic and his ravens just showed up one day and never left. They lived in the perch he made for them. I realized the guy just wanted to have an off the grid homestead. I realized I was safe and the cottage a little further down was the perfect place to unwind with some of my best gal pals. I just had to remain cautious. If any of us had to go to the car or inside the house for any reason we’d go in numbers but we were safe for the most part.  

A few hours in, I looked at one of my friends and said, “Okay, I feel safe now.” 

My girlfriend looked at me and sighed with relief, “Okay, I can feel calm now. If you say that, I don’t have to worry as much.”

You might be wondering why I decided to share this story and how it relates? I retold it because it’s the epitome of who I am. When my spirit starts to dim, those around me start to lose faith and I can’t have that. Often times, I feel like I am placed into people’s lives to show them a bright light… To wake their sleepy souls. Often times, I feel like I am placed in situations to make sure those around me feel safe. So when my friend said this, it validated my role. I have to keep my composure, always. I have to take it all on so no one else feels the burden. I have to keep a brave face so no one else feels the worry. 

I have to keep repeating, “Everything will be okay.” Meanwhile, I am breaking inside and really just want someone or something else to take this weight off of me. I want someone or something to hold me and say, “Everything will be okay!” And I want those words to be true.

I don’t want to feel like those metaphorical inbred psycho killers chasing me through the woods, is actually life! 

I am grateful to the two souls that reached out to me yesterday. Their words of encouragement were kind gestures that I needed to hear and I whole heartedly was moved by them. I’m not looking for other people to solve my issues because I know they are my issues and can only be solved by me. And I am not looking for sympathy either… It would just be nice if I didn’t have to be the strong one all the time. It would be nice if life stayed on a steady upswing longer than a year or so because I shouldn’t have to give and take years of my life. I shouldn’t have to exchange one year of solid greatness for a few years of chaos because I reached some sort of quota. I shouldn’t have to beg a joyous wave not to take a nosedive down a steep hill. I shouldn’t have to worry that the Universe will shove me so hard that I lose my footing because I am enough on my own. I don’t need any extra help collecting injuries. 

I don’t know? Like I said, not the happier of my posts and I apologize about that but some days, weeks, months and years are like that. And we’re all allowed to not be okay from time to time. Even me! For now, I am just breathing. I am staying strong. I’m doing what I tell you all to do sometimes… I’m keepin’ on! 

Best to do that over anything else. 

~x~

The Blogging Bae