Norman and Then Some

 

Alright y’all… let’s talk manifestation. A subject near and dear to my heart. This truly is one of my favorite topics to talk about because I have first hand experience involving it and several stories that relate to this type of insane energy. Call it magic, if you will… because I, the Blogging Bae, hands down… believes in MAGIC and manifestation. 

And this is going to be a long one but entertaining, I’m sure… So get what you need now: your toilet break done, your beverage of choice, even a snack if you must because you are going to be here for a while.

No worries, I’ll wait….

Are you back yet? Settled in? Ready to roll? Good because here we go. 

It all started about ten years ago. I was once again ending a toxic relationship. Not only that I was freshly laid off. I was beginning a season of broke and being broken. On one ill-fated night (at the tail end of my tumultuous relationship) I left my house to stay in a hotel. I’m telling you this because what transpires from that night appears a few months later. 

I went to this hotel to get away from fighting with a now turned violet boyfriend. Seriously, y’all it was a relationship that should have ended much sooner than it actually did. Instead of breaking up a year and half into it… which is when the breaking up should have happened… we moved in together. You know, to really drive the point “that we don’t belong together” home. You know? To really make sure we fully hated each other for all eternity. 

That night was terrible. I didn’t sleep a wink. Instead, I tossed and turned and tried my best to convince myself that it was me and that I needed to change. If I tried a little harder my relationship would work out. I also picked up some guests and brought them back home. Only to have them visit a few months later. Bed bugs are a bitch. This is what transpired from the seedy hotel stay.

A few months later, nothing worked. The fights got worse and I couldn’t do it anymore. The ex moved out and so did the only income we/I had. The weekend my ex moved out, one of my best friends took me to D.C…. All expenses paid. 

While there, I tweeted Norman Reedus… the actor that plays “Daryl” on The Walking Dead… his most notable role to date. Where he swiftly responded with some witty remark.  

Backing up for a second, I stumbled upon a movie Norman was in around the same time my relationship was beginning to finally deteriorate. It was about break ups, toxic relationships, and just life in general. I had heard of and seen other Norman Reedus movies prior to this but this one just spoke to me in a different way. The wind on my porch blew more alertly that night. The quiet in my house spoke to me more loudly. I was attentive and watched every scene carefully. 

I knew what I had to do and made plans to do it. Everything coming next would be even harder still. A DARK CLOUD WOULD REAR ITS UGLY HEAD… and stay there for almost two years. 

All the while, to keep me sane, I turned on Norman Reedus videos or movies or whatever I could find. I was alone. Looking for work during a recession. Trying to keep the lights on and the rent paid with the meager unemployment I was receiving. I was falling deep into a pit of dark hell.

At 30 I was: jobless, childless, relationshipless, and about to be fucking homeless. Thank God, my landlord was a saint. Saint Marty is his name. I fell into a depression so thick that those days are fuzzy and full of sleep and lack of eating but the one thing I remember is how Norman kept me at least entertained. 

I was losing my hair and my mind. I finally found a roommate though and thought the new year would bring me some release… but instead things only got worse. The bed bugs finally showed up and I decided to date yet again another scum bag. However, the last shitty relationship still had its sour taste in my mouth and that ended real fucking quick. 

Furthermore, I couldn’t really have any house guests when bugs were taking over the place. I tried everything to get rid of those little monsters terrorizing me at night but inevitably became an insomniac instead. Norman once again keeping me company. I told myself I would meet him one day.

 

Finally, the only solution for getting rid of the wretched bed bugs was getting rid of everything I owned and use money I didn’t have to buy a brand new bed, blankets, a dresser, and clothes I no longer owned. 

One wild, chaotic ride after the other was testing every shred of faith I had. 

Enter the night I dubbed, “The Night My House and God Fought Me and Won.” 

I was lost and didn’t want to exist anymore. I figured not being alive anymore would make everyone else happy. I figured since I had nothing, I would always be nothing. I figured anything was better than the shit life that kept slamming me back down, every time I tried to stand the fuck back up and I figured if I could do anything right, surely offing myself would be it. 

Come to find out though-I couldn’t even do that correctly. It wasn’t for the lack of planning or trying but instead because there was absolutely no way I physically could. My roof was too low, the knives were too dull, and my razors were all used up. I had no sleeping pills or a gun… I had no way to accomplish my mission so instead I went to my bathroom, fell on the floor defeated and cried for hours on end. 

The next morning I woke up facing the demons that almost took me down. I awoke still depressed but slightly happy that nothing that night panned out. I cried the entire next day until two friends came over, made me margaritas and made me promise I would work on healing myself… because I was worth more than dead. My mom pleaded with me, my sister begged me to see… still, I knew, it was going to be a long road ahead. 

Two days later, I was walking passed a bookshelf and a paper advertising a preschool fell off. I disregard it and put it back onto the bookshelf… where it promptly fell off again and landed right in front of my feet once more. This time I read it with much more intention. I decided as far as the job prospects go what did I have to lose? They might only be advertising for their preschool but what if they need teachers as well? What if I just asked, I could finally have job? I decided that night that the next day I would go in and see about employment.  

The next morning, I got myself out of bed early and got dressed up. I used the few bucks I had left and filled up my gas tank to trek to the other side of town. I went in and asked if they were hiring for teaching positions. I filled out an application, some forms and waited by my phone. A few hours later, I was scheduled for an interview and within a week, I was working again. I felt less like a loser and more like a real life human doing adult things.

The pay was crap but I was grateful. It was full time and hours were decent. Early in but early out as well. It paid my bills, paid my landlord back and allowed me to splurge for something special on occasion. I also finally had weekends off!  I was starting feel like a whole person. Tiny pieces coming back. In the process, my young students had me living again. They kept me busy and on my toes. They gave me a knew perspective on life. They showed me to never take life too seriously and that if I happen to fall down along the way, to get back up and shake it off. After crying for a few minutes of course. 

A YEAR HAD PASSED AND I WAS GETTING STRONGER. Friends, unconventional counseling, family, my students all helping me stand back up. Especially one soul that was unapologetic about all the hard conversations he had to have with me. A friend to this day, I have mad respect for. 

However, my preschool job and life itself both presented themselves with yet again another curve ball. Almost two years in, I was being run ragged, catching every funky illness a preschool has to offer and learning that the school I taught for, ran dangerously high class numbers. The owner, in my opinion, saw each student as a dollar sign instead of a learning vessel. A little mind that needs education and attention. I brought it up and was shunned out which in turn started to push me out. 

Around this time, I had turned 31 and my income was not at all were I wanted it to be at my age and for me being broke was one thing but being broke and  working in a morally corrupt place at the same time was a whole other beast… I HAD COME SO FAR with who I was on the inside and within a week or so I quit.  

I found an Au Pair position shortly there after…. in Louisiana for the summer. I would be paid to teach a boy one-on-one, I would be paid to watch over him and look after the house while the family was at work. The mom at an ad agency, the father in Australia.  

I would live for free in a lovely room towards the back, next to the boy I was watching and I would be getting away and be able to live in a different place for a couple of months. It was a risky move, quitting one job to start another short term one but I was still trying to figure shit out and my soul was telling me to leave. I was hired and by the beginning of the summer I was driving from Florida to Louisiana and giving myself three days to explore this part of the world solo before arriving to my summer job. 

It was glorious. I know it’s the deep south but there is something so beautiful and mystical about Louisiana. I fell in love with it. I also soon came to realize that where I was living was the reason I was so unsettled. My town was bleeding my soul dry and I needed a new chapter. I wasn’t happy where I was any longer. I wasn’t going anywhere and that tiny transient bubble wasn’t allowing me to grow. My house becoming a pit stop for everyone except me. I couldn’t hate the rotating doorknob my house had become, I was outgrowing it much the same way but it wasn’t until I came back that I knew I had outgrown it and my town completely. 

A feeling I recognized immediately because it just so happened to be the same thing feeling I had in the year 2000. It was the same feeling that led me to Gainesville, Florida from my hometown a little more than 12 years before to begin with. It was the same voice telling me, “You don’t belong here anymore.” 

Again… I was at another crossroads. I knew I wanted to leave by the following summer but I had zero clue how? I was also still single and reevaluating where I was in life work wise. Then something changed… my focus. I stopped focusing on all that I didn’t have and started focusing on what I did and what I wanted. I stopped looking for the prefect job and the one that would help me move. I ended up finding three and worked all of them. Call me insane, but after two years looking for work prior to the preschool teaching gig, it rained job opportunities and I wasn’t taking any chances. 

I stopped focusing on a relationship and just got busy with school and dreams.  Still watching Norman Reedus and still saying I would meet him ONE DAY. Because I would have to thank him for unknowingly helping me through dark days, lonely nights and that toxic relationship a couple years back.

Not to mention, showing me that my 30’s (although they can be incredibly messy) weren’t the end all. I still had my 40’s to look forward too. 

Fall of that year, I went on a terrible vacation. The people weren’t bad, we were just on two different travel levels. It just wasn’t a great vacation fit. I came home and went to a best bud’s house to wind down and had a bitch session. Which she allowed only if wine was involved. Two other friends were there and together they listened and understood where I was coming from understood completely because let’s get real for a second, we have all been on that one trip where the shoe just doesn’t fit. 

After my vacay horror story was complete, my friend turned to the other two and said, “I think she needs to hear some good news now.” 

To my surprise and absolute admiration, my two other friends were working with Canon to host an event for printer geared towards photography. The host would be… you guessed it? Norman Freaking Reedus. 

My friends then listened to me go on and on about how much I loved his work. How much I admired his photography. How much I wanted to meet him one day and how much he changed my life.

 A. Few. Weeks. Later. 

My friends call me with news that they wanted me to come work this event. And yes of course… I put that little bird in their ear the weekend I saw them. I never hesitated for a second to tell me I would give everything for this chance opportunity. I would love to do some brand ambassador work for them and Canon and yes… no matter how excited I was, I would keep myself composed and not turn into some crazed fan. My very suggestion worked and two years after saying I would meet Norman Reedus, I finally did. Although, I never got the chance to say ‘thank you.’ I did laugh however at least nervously laugh at a joke he said, take a picture with him and later be told it was nice to meet me. A moment that eight years today was documented and eight years later never forgotten about.

The thing is meeting Norman turned into something so much bigger. The moment I got home from this chance encounter, I diligently looked through every magazine I owned and proceeded to make a ‘Vision Board’ which included a visual take on what I wanted out of life. Being financially stable, becoming a photographer, becoming an author, traveling, finding a healthy and happy partnership, moving to a place with water and mountains, opening up a little shop somewhere… being my own boss… making something for myself…pictures that spoke on every level. 

Yet the only picture that wasn’t there was the most important one. It was the one where manifesting started to work. The one of Norman Reedus. I thought that would be silly but then my roommate reminded me that this was the catalyst to life I was going to create and if I manifested that, what’s to say I couldn’t manifest everything else? 

Something deep inside of me knew my life would begin at 40. That all the trials and tribulations would be over and even if I got chocked up from time to time… it would be temporary, easy to handle and the trouble wouldn’t stick around that long. It wouldn’t stay put the way it always once did. I could and would manifest the life I wanted. 

In late 2019, I was introduced to another actor/photographer that changed the game for me. Same type of situation. Same type of keeping sane in a time of uncertainty. Same type of energy and influence and sparkling manifestations coming through. Then a pandemic started swirling about and life sorta stopped and another quick look see on life was provoked. Another awakening, of sorts. A rattling… if you will. 

I love my job but I wanted more. I was tired and exhausted from the ‘boys club’ and the egos I had to kiss to stay afloat but honestly I started to realize I wanted to do what I had always wanted to do and that was to write. I couldn’t travel but my photographs told another story and I stopped being shy about sharing where I had been. I was proud of those places and experiences and I deserved to celebrate that. I stopped hiding from the internet and started to become more visible.  

I started this blog to sort all the changing tides coming at me… yet again… around the ten year mark. And in it, I have said repeatedly, “MARK MY WORDS I WILL GET PUBLISHED ONE DAY.” 

The first day of 2020, I felt a huge energetic shift. Internally and externally, this shift has been massive and 100% accurate. This train has not stopped. When I turned 40 in 2020, I felt a shift in myself and that too has not stopped. Like I said, up there “LIFE WILL START FOR ME AT 40.” And, oh how it ever has. 

2021 not only brought me my first art show where I got to display my travel photography but it also (in its most serendipitous ways possible) had me write a book series. Which if you keep up to date with my blog, you now know… Said book series has been offered an opportunity to get published. 

I’m turning into the person I always saw.

The other day, I looked at my ‘Vision Board,’ the one I made eight years ago. I went down the list and pointed out all the things I accomplished and the things, I thought I wanted but soon found out after I created them, I didn’t really want them after all. I looked at the things I am still after and the things that no longer fit. 

Life is strange and glorious and chaotic and disruptive all at the same time. All these moments count and none of them are experienced in vain. They shake you. They change you. They center you and they hurl you forward towards the next step. So whenever you think you aren’t ever going to get through the current chapter in your life in order to write the next one… Remember me and my Norman Reedus tale. Remember me saying, everything will happen, just give it time. 

Much love. 

~x~

The Blogging Bae