Precious Story: Holiday and the Book

I’m back friends. Did you miss me? I sure as heck missed you. Where did I go you might ask? Well, if you read up on my blog you’d know but in case you don’t, I took a nine day holiday back east… AND IT WAS GLORIOUS! I decided to make this trip as soon as I was able to get my vaccination because after the past year and eight months, the most important thing to me was seeing my loved ones before it was too late. If I have learned anything this year it’s been how unpredictable 365 days can truly be. In a flash someone who was once present can no longer exist. Just. Like. That.

Like I have said in previous posts, I have lost a number of people this year alone and that made this trip all that much more important. People are just as fleeting as time is.

I splurged on a first class ticket and made an itinerary. I wanted my nine days to count and they did. I did most things I set out to do. Most mornings I woke up just after sunrise and went to the beach which rejuvenated my entire soul… and got the ball rolling for the rest of my day being productive and explorative. This one habit also reiterated how important the ocean is to me and how next place I move will be in close proximity to the sea because I need that vitamin SEA.

I live out west now and the ocean is the one thing I have missed the most about where I used to live. Aside from my family and friends of course but to be honest, it’s easier to connect with friends and family than it is to be one with the ocean. Also, I needed to grow up and find my place in the world and friends and family were no longer a viable excuse not to progress in life. I needed to challenge myself and that meant taking a risk somewhere new and far away… a place without a quick security blanket to run back to.  

Moving away from everything familiar was the best thing I could had done for myself and I don’t regret this decision one bit. Even though for the past seven years I questioned at times, who I am and what I am doing. One-I just don’t vibe with people here the way I did with folks back home but two-this road wasn’t all glitter and rainbows. Call it age or priorities or just not really trying to build bonds the way I once did or not really giving a damn about asking permission to live my life. In fact, you can call it whatever but the fact is, when I went back home, I was, in so many ways, reminded that who I am at my core doesn’t need to change and the path I am on is the right one for me… AND oh well, if my circle is more like a dot now than anything else. I can’t really focus on making my personal life spectacular if I am focused on being a social butterfly instead. There is something wonderful about solitude being the driving force behind growth spurts.

Life is all about moving forward and as much as I love back home, I am happy with the decision I made to move. I was stagnant and the only way to get unstuck was to change my life completely. I am, in this current stage of my life, changing once more. Life’s endless cycle, ya know? It took moving away to build something for myself. It took leaving to find the road I needed to be on and to be brutally honest, I know that this metaphorical rising makes certain people angry. I don’t understand why, it just does and in a way, I feel this anger comes from stepping out of the hot mess I used to be. And, oh ,man, I admit it. I was one hot damn mess.

Some folks enjoyed watching me struggle because that meant no matter what I was doing, I was still playing catch up and falling short every place I turned. It meant that no matter how hard I tried to match those around me, I would never reach that apex and those that are angry now hate that I am doing better at doing life than I ever have before. 

When I moved, I shocked many. Most had something negative to say about it. “It wouldn’t work. I was setting myself up for failure. I would come back with my tail between my legs. I would prove all the naysayers right.” 

Many were waiting for me to fall but instead I started to fly. Just to be clear though, me taking flight hasn’t been easy like I said this choice came with its own set of trials and tribulations. The thing is… I never gave up. I kept my wings steady, my head in the clouds and my eyes on the next destination. 

Once again, if you have kept up with this blog, you know that it has been a long term goal of mine to become a full fledged, self-sustainable artist. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to become a published author. And not just any author, a successful author. Sure, I had doubts but I believed in this dream so much so that not only has it been on every vision board I have ever created and routinely part of my nightly prayers and wishes but it’s the one thing I told folks back home I would be doing the next time I came back to visit, “Next time you see me, I will be a published author.” A friend reminded me at dinner one night.  

On Friday, the first day into my holiday, I had a phone meeting with a publishing house. The book I wrote this year in warp speed, the book that was rejected by another publisher was being picked up by this place for publication. This meeting came right after a visit with an aunt who is in hospice due to Alzheimers. I was in the back seat of my mother’s car and within hours of that conversation, a contract was signed and my book-the one loosely based on something that happened to me 20 years ago while traveling abroad in Ibiza-is now in the works to be placed on books shelves, as well as online, all across the globe. Even better… it’s a series. Not just on book but a trilogy. 

At first, I was hesitant to share this news with anyone but then I thought why should I hide such a monumental thing? Some say keep all the magical happenings to yourself and I don’t get this logic? Those that say this, say it because people tend to shit on grand plans. There is an instant reaction to be jealous and that jealously throws negative energy onto someone’s amazing luck or future endeavors. I’m not sure why anyone is ever jealous of someone else’s success but unfortunately I have seen it happen to me and others but what I am here to ask is how in the hell does one bitter person gain that much control of another’s outcome? How do we allow that power shift to occur? 

For me, people rising becomes my motivation. I fully support it. It encourages me to keep chasing my own dreams… Like, if they can do it, I can do it too. I never sit in a spot wishing ill will to those doing better than I am because life, my life, is not a competition. 

Unfortunately, I did get some negative feedback regarding my book announcement from the one person I knew would rain on my parade. I just didn’t know when but I knew that it would happen. Again, I am not really sure why but this is how this one person has always been. They mask the doubt as concern but to me it comes out as disbelief and yes, very much so… jealousy. 

Like, how could I become a published writer? How could I be doing well in life? How could I deserve such a thing I have been working towards for such a long time. Even if this book was written in warp speed, believe me… it has been in the making for decades. Not this particular storyline but a storyline in general. This book just so happened to be pumped out with great force because everything seemed to align. The motivation, the creative spark, the energy involved… it just happened. And yea, my friend’s need to downplay this amazing achievement hurt… it hurt terribly because all I want is support. Not questions on why and how or responses cloaked in protection that subtly hides discredit. I didn’t want my friend to come back with, “Well, have you really researched this publishing house… because I have and if I were you I would read your contract carefully.” 

As in… “You are an idiot and naive and how could you ever publish a book? From where I stand, no wonder you got published… this company isn’t that good.” 

First off, I guess I appreciate the concern but as a 41 year old woman, I don’t need my friends to investigate my dreams only to come back to tell me my dreams are bullshit. Secondly, I would hope that I had done my own research to a publishing house I was interested in. This book is my life after all and I’m not trying to toss it to some place that isn’t reputable in my opinion. Thirdly, even if there is a slight chance that this all goes to shit… how does it really concern my friend and her life choices? Furthermore, looking up any company-regardless of what it is-there will always been some negative feedback. That’s the way the world works. We all act like we can’t make decisions on our own. We all act like we need the peanut gallery to guide us. We all act like the Yelp mentality of bitching and complaining because our personal experience sucked is the end all for everyone else. Screw those five great reviews because that one says it all. I mean, I am a damn adult… I don’t need my friend’s opinion or permission about what direction I need to take. I didn’t even ask to begin with. 

The publishing house that is representing me, is pretty damn phenomenal. To me, anyway, and isn’t that what is most important? They came to me in a serendipitous manner and I am one for signs. These signs have never steered me wrong so why all of the sudden would they? Why all of the sudden would my intuition throw me any thing different? I actually have an amazing feeling about this publisher. I like that they are a small, independent house. I appreciate that I am investing some money into my book in exchange to own all the rights. I am okay with NOT being paid a large sum prior to being published because that means on the back end, I will actually make money and own my book’s royalties. Which any author knows that most publishing houses that pay on the front end mean they own you on the back end. They own you and your book. Your heart and soul, blood, sweat and tears and they make money off you while you make barely anything. This is all part of the research I have done. It’s why so many opt for self publishing. It’s why so many look elsewhere besides large publishing houses. Bottom line though… this is the place I want my book be. MY BOOK not my friend’s book. MY BOOK. 

Why should I even be explaining any of this to my friend or anyone else for that matter? Why wasn’t, “I am getting published” enough? Why did my friend on my very last day of vacation decide to text me, asking for the name of my publishing house and why after she did look them up did she bypass all the fantastic reviews and go straight for all the negative ones? And why, oh why, did she feel compelled to tell me that essentially what I was doing was crap and I better think twice before I move any further. 

This is not protection… this is being an asshole. Rest assured, if you want to find something negative to throw in someone’s face, you will. Sadly, I am  positive that in a way, my friend would have been satisfied with me never moving, never chasing a dream, and staying put living in the miserable bubble that I was in. She was allowed all the happiness in the world but not me… I needed to stay where I was-in that dark hole eating away at my soul. 

I didn’t want this type of response. I didn’t ask for it and I didn’t need my friend to “dig deeper” because I was on the fence about what to do. I DIDN’T NEED MY BUDDY TO CATCH SOMETHING I HAD MISSED. What I needed was my friend to be supportive and excited for me. What I wanted was my tribe member to love the idea that I was accomplishing the things I had always set out to do. What I had hoped for was my sweet gal pal to cheer me on. 

But as another friend said when I told her of this “concerned conversation,” I need to grow some thicker skin. She is right. I most certainly do. The only kicker is, when it comes to strangers critiquing this book, I do have some pretty thick skin. I know it won’t be for everyone and I am okay as well as prepared for this. However, when it comes to friends… That’s a whole other beast. You don’t need to do cartwheels or throw me a party but you don’t need to butt in and damper a good time. As a friend, you don’t have to like what someone else is doing or necessarily agree with the direction they are going but it’s not your place to put in your unsolicited advice on the matter. You are there to be supportive and nothing else and unfortunately this is the last piece of unsolicited advice I am willing to hear from this person. That text has now made me look at my friendship differently. There is a wedge where there should not be. 

I mean what compels a person to further investigate good news… as if the good news is just too good to be true? How much time does one person have on their hands to look for something negative to prove a concerned point? Which, by the way, there was no need for such concern and my friend didn’t prove anything to be right-except for: being nosey and bitter. 

After the text, I searched what she was saying and I have to say this… the damn woman had to have searched for a while to find what aligns with her negative and bitter thoughts. Damn girl.. I didn’t know just being happy for someone you consider a best friend would spin out the way it did? I didn’t realize that my success would have you seething behind the scenes and would be all that surprising?  

It’s a sad day when strangers are more excited for you than those you consider close. Doesn’t matter what happy thing is going on. And here… just so we are all on the same page, I am extremely happy and proud of what is happening and what is to come. I, in my gut of guts, know that this book will be a successful one. I know, that with this trilogy, is my chance to bring up not only those around me but this small, independent publishing house as well… and that fills my soul with utter joy. 

My friend’s opinion doesn’t really matter. It’s not making me doubt my decisions or the legitimacy of this personal goal I am conquering. Her negativity doesn’t make me question or doubt or fear what potentially could transpire five to seven months from now. The only thing it’s truly done is make me less willing to share any amazing news with her moving forward. And while she is saying, “I’m going to prove myself right.” I am responding with this, “I am going to prove you wrong.” 

Anyone can think whatever they want. I’m not here to hide anymore and if you are one of those people: angry, jealous, and bitter because someone you know or a complete stranger, is killing it at life then that speaks volumes about your own insecurities and unhappiness. Somewhere deep down inside, you believe you are the only one that deserves a happily ever after and that’s toxic thinking. It’s also preventing you from reaching your own damn goals. You fixating on how you want company for your misery isn’t bringing the crowds in… it’s actually deterring people from stopping by. 

My friend isn’t the first person in my life to do this and I have been taught to take it with a grain of salt. Women, unfortunately have been some of my biggest enemies. My entire life has existed, in a way, to blend in instead of stand out and I am tired of it. I don’t need to hide my sparkle so someone feels better about themselves. I don’t need people to throw shade my way because I AM NO LONGER the lost cause I used to be and if you can’t get on board with someone’s success, then get out of the way… because I, along with everyone else chasing goals, are going to walk right over you. We aren’t going to roll over and play dead because you can’t handle that Phoenix glow. We won’t stop because we can’t stop.  

I take pride in the fact that I am supportive AF when it comes to pivotal moments in people’s lives. Hell, I am even there when things go sour. I am that supportive friend through and through. This will never change and yea it might not always be reciprocated but I know this… The energy I put out comes back ten fold so I will keep on doing this. I will keep spreading that positive light because it’s the positive light I seek for myself. Most importantly, I am too busy to find fault in someone’s glory. Good for you on smashing goals. Good for you for coming out on top. Good for you for being a rockstar! Keep that momentum and don’t change course, even if you get thrown off occasionally. Get back up, dust yourself off, tend to your bruises and never give up. 

Life is short and full of haters and you have the choice to either let those ass clowns bring you down or rise above and take your power back. In the beginning of 2021, I wrote “Keep The Momentum” as a slogan for the year and well, I am doing just that. No one, not even a best friend is swaying me otherwise. I saw what I wanted and went after it. Everything lined up and I didn’t hold back. I knew that eventually my book would get picked up. I believed in it. I believed in myself and when it boils down to it, I am the one in the driver’s seat. The negative Nancy’s and the pessimistic Polly’s are a dime a dozen and you can let them break you or you can let them stew and keep shining. I’m choosing the latter. I am going to keep on shining and when it comes time for me to shine even brighter, I will make sure to bring some sunglasses so the glare won’t burn anyone’s eyes. 

Cheers y’all and until next time: keep shooting for the moon and when you get there, go ahead and shoot for the stars.

~x~