Mountains

You ever have one of those days where productivity goes out the fucking window and remaining positive is hanging on by one single frazzled thread? Yes? No? Kinda/Sorta? Well, that’s where I am right now and it’s taking most of my energy just to write this very blog post. 

I’m trudging on though because this is a day off and it will be my only day off for a while. Work life is about to get real chaotic and then I go on holiday. A trip that at the current moment, I am stressed about. Not only due to this pandemic but also because of some personal situations. I’m not going anywhere fancy or exotic, just back home to spend time with family and friends that I haven’t seen in close to two years. 

I like to think of myself as both mentally and physically strong. I also like to think that I STAY POSITIVE NO MATTER WHAT ADVERSITY I AM FACING. However, it’s absolutely ludicrous to think that I’m shooting rainbows from my ass 365, 24/7 and that a negative thought or a worry will ultimately set me up to fail. 

The gurus will tell you: mind over matter, you are the energy you keep, your positivity will bring you bounty. And sure, these specialists are partially correct but damn these assholes and their fortune cookie, repeated wisdom. No successful person just sat around and did nothing except recite: I am blessed, I am an abundant vessel, I am a magnet for greatness and poof! Their life was magically turned into infinite opportunities and a never ending bank roll. 

Most of these folks, don’t want to tell you the gritty part of the story. They don’t want to show you the struggles they had to endure or the hard road they had to travel, or even the effort it took to get where they were. The rest of the guru cases, success started at birth. It had nothing to do with luck but instead with an already wealthy bloodline. 

These types of tales aren’t worthy of telling though because what’s a better sale? Telling someone that a) you are living a dream life because you were given that dream life from the get go b) the dream life wasn’t easy to obtain here’s why or c) making someone feel like shit happening is due to their lack of “positive fricken vibes.” 

Those sides of the story take away responsibility, outside influences and insert luck! Amy was worried about the future therefore she created gloom and doom. Tammy, never stopped being a cheerleader therefore she gets everything she gets the life we all deserve. Gimme a damn break. Tammy sits on an exotic beach somewhere spouting out, “Love and Light” and “You can have this too… if, of course, you stay positive!” While Amy’s job downsized, her kid has a fever, and she’s facing eviction because two 40hr a week work gigs won’t cut it. Now, Amy has to decipher one more thing to cut from her budget meanwhile Tammy gets another new car while singing like a Disney character, “All you have to do is stay positive.” 

You know why Snow White a happy life? Because she had seven dwarfs doing everything for her. You know why Ariel got her wish to become human and marry a wealthy prince? Because her daddy was a wealthy sea king and he had the fucking means to destroy the sea witch. You know why Cinderella got to go to the ball? Because she had some old bitch breaking her back to make it happen.  

And yeah, I am a firm believer and follower of the Law of Attraction and manifestation but just like anything else that takes work. Grueling work. Tiring, exhaustive work. And it’s toxic to believe that trial and tribulations aren’t part of that deal. I have in every way of my life, gotten exactly what I wanted. My vision boards are full of things checked off but that wasn’t because I sat around chanting, “Positive Fucking Vibes Only.” 

I’m also here to tell you, your dreams are absolutely possible to obtain but given economic status, those desires will be harder to achieve. Lil’ Susie from the trailer park from that shitty part of town is going to have a hell of a harder time breaking her cycle than your boy Timmy from the affluent neighborhood down the street. Yes, you can rise above and float away from your destined plight but your wings aren’t going to be shiny and new. They will, in fact, be made of broken parts. Parts thrown out by others that can afford the luxury to create a life they dreamed of. 

I’m not saying that the wealthy don’t have their fair share of issues or that those manifestation coaches haven’t had their fair share of shit storms…. I’m just saying it’s horse shit to stay positive when it’s raining messes and it’s completely unfair to expect people to not fall apart sometimes and it’s absolutely toxic to blame someone’s lack of gratitude or cheerfulness as a reason why. Falling apart is not a sign of weakness. Having a passing thought that isn’t gratuitous, means you’re human. 

It’s easy to remain positive when you have thick pockets. No tragedy will ever be tragic. A medical bill won’t make you lose your home, losing a job won’t financially ruin you, you’ll never have to worry about the food you can eat, the clothes you can put on your back, or the roof you can lay under. You will never have to worry and juggle which priority takes over the other. All the necessary things for your survival will never be tampered with. 

I’m not broke but I’m not rich either and in last few years, I have come leaps and bounds from the destitute state I was once in but still I’m not so naive to think that it only will take one major mishap, to wipe all that away and I don’t care how positive I am on the daily, I am still allowed to worry about the future. My worrying doesn’t mean I am attracting that, your worries the same. 

I used to have this negative attachment to money and yea, that did play a part in how it came to me. I used to and kinda still do believe that money changes people and the more you have or get-the worse of a person you tend to be. I wish this wasn’t a fact but I have met more wealthy folks than poor people that are complete dicks. I now look at money as a tool and I make sure I remain humble with every earning and no matter how much I make, I will stay humble. Oh yes, I will have more money than I could ever know what to do with one day. I am positive of this but just like I do now, I will give to and help those that are less fortunate. I will continue on with my moral code: If I rise, those I love will rise with me. 

And I do count my blessings everyday… at night in my prayers. Still, shit happens and staying positive is the last thing I want to do some days but I march forward. I’m allowed to be bitter. You’re allowed to get angry. We’re allowed to scream into the abyss, “Dreams aren’t just meant for the chosen few!”

We are allowed to get frustrated when things don’t pan out. We are allowed to get irritated when life gets messy. We are allowed to worry about the things we are steadily trying too manifest without the fear that that worry will somehow weasel its way in and punish us for such negative thoughts. We don’t need anymore stress or fear. We don’t need to believe that one simple thought can flip the entire script. 

Like, c’mon Julie… so you are telling me that Betty from across the way lost every thing because she wasn’t fucking positive enough? And that your cushy existence was all created by you remaining optimistic? Having a bad day or an emotionally draining year doesn’t negate gratitude. But somehow we are being taught that drowning in the muck isn’t as important as swimming through it. I’m not necessary drowning myself but I am in some dirty thick water that I am steadily working on getting out of and because of that-I’m not just leaving it up to fate and taking no active part in my own destiny…. But that is a scarier story to tell. It’s the one that gives you credit just as much as the Universe. I work every day to get myself to where I want to be. I keep a sturdy eye on the prize and I, wholeheartedly believe, my path will include every single desire. When all is said and done, no stone will go unturned but to get there will still continue to include: blood, sweat, and tears. 

Years ago, I took a leap of faith and set out on my personal journey. I saw what I wanted and went after it. I finally lifted my once lowered head and you know what? My biggest take aways have been learning how to be resilient, adaptable, and creative. I have been left in the dark, stabbed in the back, had my heart broken by people I never thought would, had friends turn into enemies, and learned the gut wrenching reality about corners and those that are really in them. 

There are more people out there that would much rather prefer to see you flailing over flying. It’s unfortunate but also truth. 

I have never in all my life been surrounded by so many people that dislike me. Dislike me for being attractive. Dislike me for being hard working. Dislike me for being a liberal. Dislike me for being smart and successful and opinionated. Dislike me for having standards and loyalty. Dislike me for who I am and what I stand for. Dislike me for being a fucking woman! 

I have never in all my life been surrounded by so many individuals that need their asses kissed on the daily and that my very existence is a thorn in their side. I had a friend once tell me that if I was having all these conflicting relationships then maybe it wasn’t so much about them and more about me? Okay, I will take some responsibility. I’m fucking outspoken. I need to learn how to not overthink things and to step back before I react. Most of the time, I do just that… but there are instances where I feel pushed into a corner and the only way to survive that threat is too fight back. 

I shouldn’t always have to be the bigger person! I shouldn’t always have to go high when someone hits low. Like, fuck! The higher I’m forced to go, a nose bleed will surely occur… and I’m almost at my maximum elevation.

How about this for a change, “Don’t be a fucking asshole.” Don’t act like a situation solely rests on the shoulders of one person… complications are a two way street and I know for a damn fact, I don’t walk around looking for drama to override my goals. I’m not that bored with my life. I don’t seek out fights with people. I don’t look for buttons to push or seek out personal landmines just to see what happens and keep my life interesting. I don’t poke bears and I don’t go looking for problems to fix. 

Most importantly though, I accept people for who they are, the opinions they have and the beliefs they walk with. If I know we don’t see eye to eye but do have some common ground, I stay neutral. I’m not here to change anyone because I’m not exactly the type of person that can easily change as well and I’m not into beating a dead horse. I might not like horses (reasons saved I guess for another post) but I certainly don’t want to smash one to a pulp. I’m good and in a way, this action is me staying positive! Letting go of negative sources. 

My friend’s sage advice has stuck with me for years now but with that same coin, is the other side. I just can’t swallow all the bullshit, turn myself inside out, and bend over backwards to the point of snapping nor should I have too. I can’t walk on eggshells fearing that something I say, think or do will control an outcome. Yes, there is wisdom in silence but if we weren’t supposed to talk, why did we evolve from grunting in caves? 

It’s a ridiculous notion to think we aren’t allowed to react to the shit being thrown in our direction. I mean, I’m not standing front and center at the zoo’s monkey exhibit to watch the aggressive one throw a temper tantrum while simultaneously tossing his feces into the crowd. So why in my everyday life would I stand like a target and take the shit hits? Why would I be like, “I know I smell funky right now and the poop in my eye might sting but no worries… I am blessed to be alive. I have gratitude for this fecal matter! I’m blessed AF. Y’ALL. YOLO!” 

Why can’t I just say, “Fuck this shit! Fuck that shit! And oh by the way, it’s time for you to have a slice of that shit pie! Mmmmmm… delicious. YOLO!”

I know this year has been all about lessons. Lessons on personal growth, lessons on healing, lessons on achieving greatness, lessons on life in general. Lessons on determination and chasing dreams and yes, lessons on trying to remain upbeat and hopeful when your dead center in a frantic storm. Life hasn’t been easy for anyone-especially in the last two years. And if it has been easier for you than that of others, it still hasn’t come without its own level of uncertainties. I guarantee that. And I might be inspired by all the motivational quotes and that gal on instagram living her ‘manifested best life…. Ever’ but I still have moments where I wanna tell those birds to quiet all their chirping. 

You’ve been singing me this same spiel forever now and the only person that seems to be flourishing is you. No, I don’t want to add my name to your email list. No, I don’t want to sign up to your 12 week course on manifesting. No, I don’t want to sign up to some Ted Talk where you speak in circles and repeat “positive affirmation” catch phrases. No, I don’t want to listen to you go on about how I’m not thinking brightly enough. 

Because I don’t think anyone in the entire world thinks they are a piece of shit that deserves the shit end of the stick. 

I don’t believe that anyone wakes up in the morning feeling ungrateful that they haven’t made it another day. I don’t think anyone out there has uttered the words, “You know what would be fucking fantastic? If this day, week, month or year, would be awful. I like awful. Fuck the good times. Those are for pussies.” 

I don’t know anyone that enjoys being in a bad mood? And although as I write this, my mood is shifting to a better place. I’m still frustrated about certain things in my life and that’s okay. I am fully aware of how impatient I can be. I am also fully aware that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes… that I can, in fact, rub people unintentionally, the wrong way just by simply being me.

I am also fully aware that my determination is what keeps me from falling down… Not just some magic genie that pops out every time I wish for something to happen. Every thing I have built for myself, I have worked for… And I’m not sugar coating that that journey hasn’t been a test in sheer endurance. Besides, worries aren’t predictions for the future.

Mountains are meant to be climbed because after that mountain is traversed, often a paradise is found. Obstacles were meant to be conquered and this too shall pass… and none of that has to do with a state of mind. If you have to linger in the wallow then do so. Just don’t stay too long. Let it grip onto you for a while, then let it go and keep moving forward.

The twists and turns and bumps in the road are just part of the track. They are part of all our tracks. No one is immune, just some of us have a better chance at coping. You don’t have to smile every day, always rise above, or avoid negative thoughts crossing your mind. You are human and all of it, even the messy parts are necessary. 

Eventually you will end where you need to be. Read that again. Need not want… because NEED not WANT is going to be your biggest driving force. Your wants change as time progresses… your needs stay very much the same. So remember that. 

Also, remember… what you want is also what you need to feel satisfied with your life but that want would have never occurred had there not be a need for it in the beginning. 

Before I end this, I want to send a shout out to a certain someone that recently started following me on my Spotify account. I don’t know if they found me through my own playlists but I sure have enjoyed theirs. When I get into my head, I turn them on and swiftly turn my energy around… Thanks my musical friend. 

Until next time… appreciate the smalls things, give yourself the space to feel something other than happy, and go easy on yourself. Everything will work out, just like it always does.  

~x~

The Blogging Bae