A Dream. A Direction. A Reminder

 Yesterday, I went on a rant about how insane it is to think that shit happening to people is because they aren’t remaining positive 24/7…. 365. I still stand by this. I think it’s toxic and completely dismissive of the important lessons we need to learn in order to grow. 

I also said that in all my life I have not been surrounded by as many people that dislike me for me being me than I do right now. That I have in the last six years. That too is still true but to be clear, I don’t like most of them either. The energy is all off. 

When I moved cross-country, away from everyone and everything I knew as familiar. I wasn’t expecting to come into some crew AND BECOME INSTA BESTIES. I went from having a squad to having two close friends and to be frank, I wouldn’t trade the two for the squad I walked away from when I first moved here for a million dollars. I listed the reasons why these folks don’t like me in my last post but in addition to that you have to understand that I work in a male/ego driven dominated industry. A lot of the things have to do with money! The more you have, the more you are admired and respected…. But also the more you rise, the more you have animosity among your peers. The more competition ensues. I am a competitive person by nature but not when it comes to labels, expensive cars, and large houses. I’m not at all trying to “Keep up with the Jones’s.’ I’m just trying to build a solid future for myself and those that I love. 

The people I left behind were the types to talk about you as soon as you left the table and I soon learned that I was often part of that conversation as well. Who needs enemies when you have friends like that? It was toxic and disheartening… it was a harsh lesson I had to learn. Before I moved, I had worked so hard to get my head and heart to match one another. I was lost and sad and fighting just to stay alive. I wasn’t about to allow anyone to take away the personal power that I worked so hard to regain. In turn, that made me an outspoken bitch. A woman unwilling to kiss someone’s ass regardless of how much money they had or the material possessions they acquired. Because for me, friendship and family has nothing to do with what a person has but who they are inside. 

My husband and I pretty much lost everything and had to start from ground zero. Those were absolutely stressful times. I remained positive that everything would work out. Just like I do now… but still had those days where I felt completely lost and like an utter failure. I got through it. My husband did too. We are in a much better place than we were a few years ago and yes, maybe the Universe was working in our favor but I can’t dismiss the fact that both my husband and I hustled our asses off. We worked days and nights, we saved every penny we had, we budgeted, we tightened the belt so tightly that we could barely breathe. We did this for two years and we were miserable yet still grateful to be alive and where we were. So many wanted us to fail but instead of failing, we repaired our broken wings with 2nd hand parts and flapped them slowly and steadily until we actually caught some air. 

We know that they know…. We never did anything to them. That we remained loyal and hard working. That we worked for everything we had. That we didn’t have our hand’s in the rich man’s pocket. We know we were the decent ones in that scenario. My moral code means more to me than any bank roll I will ever have and AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE, I know one day… I will have more money than I know what to do with… but the thing is I know exactly what I will do with the excess. I will be helping out those that are less fortunate. Because for me rising to the top isn’t the top, if I can’t ensure others are there at that apex with me. 

I’m not changing myself to appease the greedy masses. I will learn from my mistakes and make better plays moving forward in this game called work and life but in no way shape or form will I ever lower my standards. I’m not into cutting throats or stabbing backs and if that means that I will only have two friends where I live… SO BE IT. And if a business relationship has to end because I don’t support Trump. Because I don’t want to have a political conversation every time I’m around my business partner. Because I believe vaccines work and I believe this pandemic is real and not some government chokehold across the entire globe then I guess I have to return to the basics and start over once more. This isn’t the first time I have been knocked off my path and I’m sure it won’t be the last. In essence, this is my main motivation behind my book. Although I love what I do… I can’t rely on the people involved. I can’t rely on the fact that business and personal shit stays separate. 

In my tear filled talk with my mother yesterday I said, “I JUST WANT MY BOOK TO GET PUBLISHED AND BE SUCCESSFUL.” 

“I know, baby. It will.” My mother replied. 

I have never believed in one thing so much in my life. It is my ticket out and it will happen. Mark. My. Words. 

So regardless of how I feel about the current situation facing me, I know my future is bright. This too shall pass. 

It also helps knowing that one of my guardian angels came to visit me last night in my dreams. He is an ex that passed in 2019. An ex that I severed ties with because of how much he hurt me but another death brought us back together. We actually became friends and for six months, I was happy to be in that place. It was a place I had always wanted to be in and I am not sure how I would feel had he passed and that bridge hadn’t been repaired prior too. I never had ill will for him and I mourned his death silently for a year because mourning an ex didn’t boast well with the husband. Which I understand, in a way, anyway. I was mourning a guy who cheated on me repeatedly, who had me believing I wasn’t good enough until I took a trip abroad and was shown that I was. Until I moved on and started over. 

In my dream, my ex was exactly whom I wanted him to always be and he reminded me to keep my head up. To understand how beautiful a person I truly was and that my heart was unmatched. I had a soul that radiated truth and power and love. Lots of love. He told me in that world, he would be the best friend I had always needed and that he wasn’t that far away. Ever. Most importantly though, I needed to remember my strength over anything else. My resilience will get me far and my heart will lead me. 

I woke up feeling refreshed and energized and missing my ex. Not in a relationship sense but him just being here. He didn’t have to go the way he did and my intuition has led me to believe he wasn’t alone but the person he was with didn’t think his life was important enough to save because by saving it that meant, they would be in a heap of trouble. I’m heading home on his birthday coincidentally… I am also having dinner with his family while I am at my mother’s. I AM ALSO after almost two years going to be surrounded by my tribe members. The people that know me and love me. The people that are true to the truest core. 

The future is unwritten but what I know is this: it will come with ups and downs and as long as I keep moving toward the direction I need to get too, I will land up there. 

Thank you for the continued support on this blog and to the person in Portugal who always seems to be the first to read my posts whenever they get published, that means so much. You and someone in France are always the first ones to appear on my stats and well, to know that this blog is being read globally is a phenomenal feeling. Hahaha… you both seem to do this switch off. It’s either them then you or vice versa… but just know I see you too and I am grateful. 

Until next time,

~x~

The Blogging Bae