Dreams. Memories. And Other Things.

I had a dream last light. It was glorious and beautiful and it made me smile. My heart woke up this morning feeling every ounce of love that I believe had actually always existed but because of time and space and the choices we make, never truly had a chance to be shown. 

I remember being with my family and turning around to see a long, lost friend standing only a few inches behind me. My breath was taken away. Much like it had been initially when my 20 year search finally paid off. Yeah, I know… who spends 20 years looking for someone? Especially after that search comes up empty handed time and time again? Especially when you are at a point where you almost give up and finally come to a resolution that this person will never be found. Especially when the story of us meant everything to me but come to find out really meant nothing to them. 

Well, I guess I do. I kept searching until I almost didn’t.

For 20 years, I kept this candle lit…in hopes that some universal pull would help my friend see my distinct light. The night I finally found this person, I wasn’t going to look at all but something inside me said, “Just one more time and nothing comes up then you have permission to let go.” It had been about two years since I thought of my friend. Which was how this always worked. My friend would come to me in waves. Some years I never thought of them once, while other years they plagued my soul and mind at least for a few hours a day. Nagging me to search, nagging me to never give up on finding them. 

I’m into all things psychic and universal energies and for four years leading up to finding my friend, both the universe and the tarot cards alike were pointing to someone from my past reentering my life. Truth be told though, not once did I believe it would be this person. About a month before, I had another dream where I ran into someone I knew but the face was skewed. I didn’t know nor could I recall who this person was… the only thing I had to go on was a familiar connective energy that we had been intertwined before. In a sense, my psyche was preparing me. Even though I was completely unaware to what my psyche was preparing me for. 

When I finally found them, it was the easiest search to date. It was the same order I had always done this search before. This time though, I didn’t put a last name and instead only the first and the location where we met. My friend was the 5th picture down. I recognized them immediately and I’m positive I had done this same move several times before this but for some reason this time, it worked. The one time I told the universe “I WOULD STOP AFTER THIS IF NOTHING CAME UP,” was the one time the universe finally delivered. And like I said, I almost didn’t look at all. I almost completely ignored the loud noise telling me to look just one more time. I debated it for an hour or so. I distracted myself with other things but that voice got louder, the more I resisted it so I finally caved in. 

So many nights I had done this same thing. Something pointing me in this person’s direction… a video of the night we met popping up in the most peculiar way, only to lead me nowhere. A song I remember from that weekend playing after years of hibernation, only to lead me to nothing. Friends going to where we met and me saying before they left, “If you find this place, ask for this person and let them know I remember who they are.” Only for them to come back and tell me the place no longer existed. 

Every time, like clock work… nothing panned out. My friend was nowhere to be found. If it wasn’t for those videos, I would have been convinced that none of this ever happened and that those memories were just a figment of my holiday imagination. 

My dream last night felt so real. I hugged my friend tightly. I melted into their arms, I pinched their skin and asked, “Is it really you?” I woke up wondering if the dream I had had was because this person had me on their mind? I wondered  had they been dreaming about me too? I’m sure I wasn’t and I’m sure they hadn’t. I’m sure it was just a dream so for a second I allowed myself to believe differently.

A few days ago I actually heard another song that played on that same playlist associated with the place where we met. My ears perked up and I could make out the song but still wasn’t sure? So I left the table to find a speaker to see if I could really make the song out. A server saw me stretching my neck and lifting myself up on my tippy toes and asked if I needed something? I’m sure I looked like a perched bird ready to take flight.

“No…I am just trying to make out the song that is playing?” I replied. 

She told me she could look it up and so she did. I was correct. It was one of those songs and an artist that will always make me think of my friend. 

“Wow, that’s an oldie.” She replied. 

I chuckled and responded, “Yes. Yes it is.”

I walked away thinking… “Yea, it’s about 20 years old and if you only knew what that song links me too.” 

I scoffed, looked up and under my breath whispered, “Universe, you cheeky bastard, what are you up to?” 

Finding my friend has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. The reality of us was not what I always pictured. My reality was forged in fantasy which wasn’t a reality at all. What I had held onto for as long as I did… was something I built up in my head. When I met this person 20 years ago, I was in a place in my life where I didn’t feel desired, loved, or beautiful… I literally took this trip to get away from what was making me feel so low. I literally took this trip to see that the world was huge and the part I was hanging onto was a completed chapter. 

This person and the way we connected ultimately gave me the strength to walk away from that past. This person gave me back the confidence I once lost. After this trip, I moved to go to school and make something of myself. However, the tiny bubble I ended up in wasn’t real life either. It was a microcosm of how the world could be and 15 years later, I found myself being crushed by those tiny walls I had grown comfortable in. I moved once again but this time across the country where I knew no one and with a partner who eventually became my husband. This is where I actually started making something for myself. I started creating the life I had always envisioned and maybe this was the reason my search always came up blank… because every time I looked I was lost, searching for the one thing that always made me feel alive… because that memory always, no matter what, brought me back to life. 

The 5th picture down was a testament to my perseverance. It was testament to my vision boards always coming into fruition. Maybe not right away but eventually. It was testament to the tarot cards and universal signs preparing me for their return. It was testament to a connection I thought so highly of. 

However, somewhere along the way, we got lost once more. Answers to questions never really giving thorough explanations. Communication break downs turning into complete ignoring. Unfollowing me randomly on social media  then following me again randomly without a reason why. Assumptions about jealousy when it purely was just confusion. Unanswered texts, unanswered calls, unanswered everything. And the ultimate truth coming out. What occurred the weekend we met was just an act played out time and time again. What I sacredly held onto was shuffled into a place of many faces and many experiences. The person that stayed put and the connection that was firmly planted in my mind only had that intensity in my head. I was ultimately a passing thought. 

This revelation broke my heart but it needed to happen. My disillusionment needed to be popped. Truthfully, how could I ever believe I impacted someone that way? How could I ever believe that THAT one weekend would stick in my friend’s mind the way it had stuck in mine? I’m not that mesmerizing. Lol. I’m not talking poorly of myself. I know I can hold my own. I know I am attractive and have a beautiful soul. I know I am smart and funny and sweet and I know people do gravitate towards me and often times I am stared at whenever I enter a room but come on…those glares are just people looking up and because I am often smiling in a stranger’s direction. I know, I know this is an American thing. Don’t judge us… we are a strange breed but you can always pick us out. We are usually the ones smiling most of the time. And I know my gravitational pull has something to do with the way I carry myself but to think I am that unforgettable face and that energy that just won’t leave someone alone, is egotistical absurdity. 

Eventually though, the daily hellos just started to feel like I was pestering my friend. Eventually though, I started to feel like another ridiculous person begging for attention when attention was the last thing this person wanted to give or had time for. Eventually though, I started to notice that it was me… always me…trying to keep what I finally found as precious as possible and as sacred as I considered it to be. 

Eventually though, it seemed like my friend had a one track mind and didn’t really want to get to know me at all or lay any type of foundation that honest and genuine friendships are built on. So I had to walk away. I had to mask the truth with a lie in order to make this person feel less guilty. I had to come up with something that gave them the pass that I felt they were already holding. An out. An ending… or at least a long pause. This was easy for me to do because for 20 years I had already been doing it. Pushing my friend deep into a place where I didn’t think of them and didn’t wonder about that weekend or this connection. I was used to this action so I could do it once more.

To be fair though, my friend saw a few sides of me that I am not proud of. Which in a way is explained in my previous post. It’s about how I have decided to not drink as much and how I have decided to take a social media break. I have been reeling with some sad things and my once happy drinking time mixed with social media rabbit holes has turned into a raging fire with gasoline continuously being thrown on it. I would be drinking for hours then lash out at my friend but what my friend failed to do was ask if I was okay? My friend, I assume, only assumed I was bat shit crazy and super fucking dramatic… but I’m neither. The alcohol just heightened my emotional state. I have come to realize… alcohol does not help me cope, it just makes things worse and I only need to drink when I am happy and I don’t need to go into any social media or texting spot after I have been drinking or while I’m drinking and especially when I’m already dealing with some heavy, emotional shit. 

My friend didn’t deserve my sharp tongue but I didn’t deserve completely being ignored or forgotten about. My friend didn’t know I have lost three people in the last six months and the prior year I almost lost my mother. My friend didn’t know that I was standing in the middle of a storm, dodging the broken tree limbs and sucked up bus heading straight for me. But… they never asked what the outburst were all about either and that was the most devastating part. 

I guess because I studied psychology in school and worked with children for years that I’m privy to emotional outbursts being the scapegoat to something far more serious. I recognize that when calm, cool, and collected does a complete 180 turn there is some underlying factor. Something is triggering the anger and frustration. 

I used to teach reading to 8th graders and there was this one kid who would go from absolute sweetheart to asshole in seconds. Yes, this is part of puberty-even though I wasn’t an asshole kid at all-but there was something more going on. I could feel it. This wasn’t just some kid acting like a punk because they were a preteen. Something raw was clawing at them and it was breaking their spirit. I pulled the kid out of class and sat with them against a cool to touch wall. I didn’t dig right it but eventually I asked, “So… what is going on?” 

After a few minutes of silence, they opened up. That summer the child’s father passed away and there were moments since then that had them spinning out of control. The only way to react was brutally and honestly without revealing the whole truth. The regular teacher didn’t know… she was ready and willing to write him off as the “kid that’s going to cause her trouble that year.” Together, with the teachers urging… the student and his family went to counseling together and separately. All this student needed was someone to identify the real issue because no person that isn’t dealing with heavy, emotional shit acts out irrationally. A well rounded individual is that calm, cool, and collected one. Sure they might deal with some ups and downs but it’s not drama inducing tragedies. 

That student at the end of the year wrote me a thank you note for allowing them to find the space to heal. Of course it wasn’t written that poetically but it was pretty damn close to what a young teenager can articulate. 

When I was at my lowest in life, I shut down just like my student. I too needed hands to pull me up from drowning and some did. Beautiful hands that showed me I was strong and tragedy and pain are only temporary but also a part of life. I am forever grateful to those that saved me from myself. 

I’m actually getting beer tonight but I’m still on my social media diet. I will be choosing movies about ghosts and music instead. Yesterday, I received some positive and encouraging news. I have a feeling my dear friend that just passed away had something to do with. I also have a feeling my dream last night was the reinforcement I was looking for. My connections to people mean everything to me and even if that connection isn’t reciprocated, I can still hold onto the love I have. I don’t have to be present or visible. I don’t have go out of my way or make a connection a priority. I don’t have to be consumed with bitterness or frustration. I just have to send love and light and feel grateful for the people I have met and the memories we have made. That’s it… nothing more, nothing less. 

Everyone comes into our life for a reason. They may stay for a while, they might last forever, they might weave in and out as time progresses but it’s not up us to understand the why and it’s not for us to make sense of it all. All we can do is live the lesson as it unfolds. Be appreciative, a little curious, but most of all be willing to adjust accordingly. 

Everyone HAS come into MY life for a reason. Some have stayed for a while, some have lasted forever, some have weaved in and out as time progressed but it wasn’t up to me to understand why nor make sense of it all. All I can do is live the lesson as it unfolded. All I can do is be appreciative, a little curious, but most of all be willing to adjust accordingly to the story they are telling… because this story includes me and they are included in the chapters I write. 

Have a safe and beautiful weekend, friends!

Until next time, 

~x~

The Blogging Bae