Patience

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.” 

~Roy T. Bennet 

I should seriously start calling this blog, “Dear Diary” because that’s what it’s turning into. Lol. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️

Can I just say something though? 

Silly question...of course I can...it’s my blog and I do what I want with it and honestly who’s going to stop me! 

So here it is...I HAVE BEEN IN THE WORST MOOD LATELY. Anyone else out there feeling the same way or am I swimming in this sea by myself? 

If I’m alone in it....fine....I’ll deal....but can someone at least throw me a life raft. You don’t have to pull me in...let me float...just throw the flotation device as soon as possible. Please and Thank You. 

I know I’ll get to that mirage of a shore eventually. I just need to stop and rest for a while. 

I said this in my last post but it deserves to be stated again...FUCK THIS MERCURY RETROGRADE...February 21st can’t come soon enough...and P.S if I ever say I’m okay with these bat shit crazy planetary time loops, go ahead and punch me in the face because clearly I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. 

Truthfully, I usually embrace this little planet and its introspective moments. Me and Mercury are usually tight, we’re cool as cucumbers. We get along...but this time....oof....this time...it can suck it. It. Can. Fuck. Right. Off! 

I literally feel like I am reliving the same day repeatedly. Possibly year...given the parallels...and don’t get me wrong, last year wasn’t all that bad. It started off a little squirrelly but it leveled out...it turned out to be a personally spectacular year. And the beginning of 2021 kinda started out aligned with that same type of energy. I very much like that energy. 

I accomplished many a great stride..or at least started on some long awaited goals of mine....because there was nothing else to do and what better time than the present to focus on such tasks. 

And I’m sure this blah feeling has something to do with being a year deep into the pandemic but still there’s another part of me that just feels icky and stuck and I have no clue what this is all about and it’s driving me absolutely bananas. 

And now I want a banana. BRB. 

********

For the past year I have been shouting from the rooftops, “PLEASE STAY HOME!!! Let’s combat this thing together with personal accountability and responsibility!” 

Then on Sunday I watched a slew of people gather to watch a goddamn football game and my blood started to boil. And I don’t care how you toss out percentages and numbers...30% filled to capacity is still huge when hundreds of people are involved and while vaccines are on a shortage I am wondering...did all these folks get one and if so, is that why there’s a shortage? 

Me, personally, I’m waiting. Not because I don’t trust it-because I do. I have been vaccinated for a number of things already. No...I’m waiting for essential workers, the elderly, and those with compromised immune systems to go first. 

All while staying home for the vast majority of a year. 

I love my house, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to have a roof over my head...I’m grateful even but damn how in the world are we, the world population, supposed to take this shit seriously if we pick and choose where this pandemic applies. 

And yea...I’m at the point where I wanna strangle the person who thought taking a bat out of its natural habitat to make a buck was a damn good idea. I could shake anyone who thinks this isn’t Mother Earth throwing us over her knee and turning our asses red. 

And despite last month being completely magical, this month has decided to be last month’s evil little twin and I’m over it! 

Still though, I am moving forward and doing what needs to be done...but the word still is what’s really getting to me. I don’t like being still. I prefer movement and motion. I prefer seeing my efforts make it to the finish line. Then again...who doesn’t? Living the same day over and over again with no reprieve is exhausting. 

Despite what they say about us Taureans being as patient as can be...I’m not a very patient person at all. I have to be because that’s how life works but to say I enjoy this shit, is a giant ass lie. I don’t like it one bit!!!

Taureans, by nature, are slow moving creatures but there is a difference between this being our choice and it being forced upon us...we’d rather choose our path and the speed in which it goes over anything else. So this is one hard pill to swallow. 

I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I don’t have chains on my doors...I’m doing this out of consideration....because I always figured that’s how we are supposed to act? 

I’ve turned my house into a gym, a pub, a library, a discotheque, a shopping center, a hair salon and a creative space. All in name of human life...but then...I see a Super Bowl, super spreader and wonder why the hell am I staying put? What the shit is this shit? Why did I not just protest last year when there was a real purpose behind a gathering? 

At least these times make for great writing material so there is that. Look...I’m reaching. I’m trying to stay on the up and up! But damn somedays I don’t wanna be positive...I want to scream. 

I can’t be the only one who thinks the waiting game is lame. And that’s what I feel like I’m trapped in. A stupid game to see how patient I can be and I’m not even sure what the prize will be at the end of this marathon? Whatever it is...it better be damn good though. I tell you what. 

I’m waiting for this pandemic to end. I’m waiting for my dreams-my personal goals-to be fully obtained. I’m waiting to take giant leaps instead of these tiny damn steps. I’m waiting, waiting, waiting. I’m on autopilot hoping I don’t crash into a mountain because I fell asleep at the controls. 

I haven’t seen my family and most of my friends in a year. I wasn’t even able to be by my mom’s side last year when the hospital held her hostage for a completely different reason other than Covid. 

And when I can travel again...I’m yelling, “WE RIDE AT DAWN, BITCHES!!!” 

I’m not complaining and I don’t need applause for being a decent human being. I’m not sitting on an ivory tower or hanging myself on a cross. I’m just irritated and venting and that’s okay. 

I have a giant amount to be grateful for. Life isn’t bad...but nor is it amazing right now. I’m somewhere in the center and I feel like so many of us are right where I am. I know I’m not alone in this powerhouse of a ‘woe is me’ ballad. 

At the end of the day, I also know I’m inching closer to my dream life...one where I’m comfortable and happy and those around me are comfortable and happy too. I feel it in my bones and am aware uncertainty and stagnation is the universal language for, “It’s time to conserve your energy because some major and magnificent shit is about occur. Get Ready! You have been warned.” 

I feel this truth in my soul. Down to my very core. However, this existential nut house is for the birds. I’ve already examined everything about myself. I’ve done my shadow work. I’ve dug deep into the depths of dark places. I’ve discovered who I am and what I want. 

I. Am. Doing. What. Needs. To. Be. Done! 

In my soul, I know the universe hears all my wishes and commands. It sees the energy I put forth, it understands the trials and tribulations that have made me who I am and I do...I truly do...know for a fact...that everything I ask for from the universe will comes into fruition for me. 

Because...everything always does...I just get put on hold with the universe’s help center for a long, long my while beforehand. 

All the things I want aren’t out of my reach...I see them...I’m stretching my limbs to grasp them in graceful yoga poses...and I feel as if I my over extended arms are almost there. But almost is still not close. And still is not just yet.

Yet? 

How ‘bout now? 

No? 

Are we there...yet? 

No? 

Cool. This is fun. 

I tell myself constantly, “Timing is everything!” 

I repeat, “Let go and let flow.” 

I tell myself all the time, “What you want will happen.”  

Instead of sounding like Gandhi though I’m sounding more like a Hallmark Card or that annoying Seer in Vikings. Sorry, not sorry Viking fans. That guy’s wisdom was terrible...and c’mon Hallmark Cards are cute but not real advice. 

-YOU CAN DO IT! *Hallmark

-THE PAST IS BEHIND YOU. THE FUTURE IS AHEAD. YOU WILL SEE EVERYTHING WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES. YOU WILL SEE NOTHING WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES. *The Seer

Ah. Thanks for nothing and also...No Shit Sherlock! 

I’m positive 95% of the time. I’m upbeat and nothin’ can break my stride usually. My outlook on life is one filled with joyous, unforgettable moments but that 5%...oooooh that 5% that wants to piss on optimism’s parade is brutal and awful and deserves a decent ass whooping. 

But since I can’t fight myself because that would be psychotic and I sustain enough injuries being a klutz...I have sit in the rainy piss shower until it’s good and gone. 

Without a fucking umbrella. 

I need some new energy. An exciting experience. I need to get out of my damn house and put on regular clothes. I need to go somewhere besides the grocery store-which-by the way- I have now dubbed The Exotic Pandemic Vacation. 

I need to make miracles happen.  

I need to get out of my head. 

I need to breathe....apparently. 🧘🏻‍♀️😂

I know this feeling is temporary...and it’s here to teach me something. And I know all these middle parts make up parts of my whole story and I know everything mostly happens for a reason! 

I know stillness is important. I know tomorrow is unknown and I know I’m just being a grumpy cat. 

However...I can’t help but just want to get to the future with my desires in tow. I can’t help but be anxious sitting quietly in the middle. 

Yesterday I did a little ‘Vibe’ game. Whatever word you found was the vibe you had and my word was, ‘DESIRE.’ Second after that came, ‘PATIENCE.’ How very apropos...these two “vibes” showing up together. 

Because it is all about desire and patience right now. 

I know you all understand. The pandemic not only had us stop everything we were used to doing but it has us reevaluating everything moving forward. On some universal level, I feel the vast majority of the world is going through a metaphorical mid-life crisis. I guess we all hit our 40’s at the same time. 

Again...I’m not listening to Cure albums and sulking in a corner. I’m not on some damn pity party...I’m sorting through life and these are just one of those times. I’m feeling myself and those going through the ringer too. 

But I will tell you...just like I reassure myself during these dreadfully lagging moments, “Understand the seeds that have been planted, take time to grow. Dial them in while you wait. Focus. Then be patient for your desires to sprout from this fertile ground. They will grow...eventually. Everything you want will all happen. Just give it time.” 

🎧music inspiration for post🎧

Guns-n-Roses: Patience. 

Sorry, Robert Smith...I still adore you though.