Lost

 In the past few days, I have felt like everyone’s wise old auntie that knows a thing or two about a thing or two. And yea...I might know some secrets to life but at the end of the day, I’m figuring this shit out just like you. As I go along...with the lessons I have learned in tow. 

They no longer weigh me down as they once did but those battles scars left behind....those messy moments I have to reflect back to...all lead to a part of the story...parts that are parts of the whole. 

Most of my advice is unsolicited. Take this blog for instance...somehow you ended up on and whether you choose to scroll through it or not, it became a stranger’s hand extended. 

Most people actually need to hear the words I have to say when I finally say them. They find these words at the right exact moment. If that wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t hear on repeat this exact sentiment.

Whenever I feel someone is lost, which I often do...I try to be the lighthouse in the storm. I try to be that title I was given so many years ago and it most certainly does come with its own forms of great responsibility but when it was said to me, I honored by the compliment with great pride and have lived by this creed every since. 

I am the lighthouse in any storm...because I have been that storm....because I have been that lighthouse and because my old soul has had to navigate choppy, murky waters in this lifetime as well as the ones I’m convinced I have lived before. 

Life almost broke me. 

Life has broken me. 

But....no matter what...life has always shocked me. Around every corner another surprise. Whether it was me surprising myself or an experience just waking me the fuck up. 

I have fallen off the tightrope only to discover I never wanted to be walking this crazy, insane restraint anyway. I’m too damn clumsy for those carefully calculated steps and the box I was supposed to be put in, I was repulsed by. So I cut the rope accordingly. 

I never wanted to live a ‘traditional’ life! 

I don’t have children. I don’t work your typical 9-5 and I have never given up on the dream of becoming a full fledged artist. Either through my photography or my writing. It took me being forced to look at myself and my dreams-the very same dreams that were criticized and scrutinized because they didn’t follow a certain protocol-to understand the path I wanted to take was very real, extremely raw and by all means attainable. 

My head was neither stuck in the clouds nor completely stuck up my own ass. And even if it was, these clouds were magically wonderful and my ass was just fine. 

I just needed to silence the naysayers. I just needed to stop getting in my own damn way. 

It took me 31 years to finally raise my head from the place so many pushed it down to be.

It took getting to 39 to realize the ally I needed most, was myself. 

It took a series of strange synchronicities that defied all logic and reason to finally gain the courage to tell a world that seemed to be against this very notion to ‘fuck off.’ 

And I am telling you this....the tale end of 2019, the entirety of 2020, and the past week have not only validated but confirmed this unfamiliar territory I’m  treading on is absolutely the right one. 

I know my worth and value but that person took many a journey to meet and often times I wish my older self would have had the chance to tell my younger self, 

“To go easy on herself...she will get all that her heart desires....one way or another...in one phase of life or the other.” 

I would also let her know, 

“Figuring out your footing is an ever evolving, constant wheel in motion. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now....hell...you don’t even have to have it all figured out at any time in your entire life....because the second you think you do...is the exact moment you are blown away by all the anomalies.”

Most things are not random because the universe....this trickster...has a way of talking very loudly! Which only gets louder the more you try to ignore or dismiss its messages. Truth....once you’ve done this a few times...eventually you get slammed in the head with an invisible wooden plank. Believe me, I know because I did the disregard dance for a little while myself. 

I thought...

“Hmmm???? How can this be? Nah....I’m not one of the lucky ones? This is a joke, right...where’s the hidden camera saying....JUST KIDDING? Surely, this is all just mere coincidence. Like really...when is the other shoe going to drop? When is this nice, steady boat going to tip?” 

The thing is: the other shoe will always drop. That steady boat does tip. It tosses your ass right into freezing water. 

But...the good news...these aren’t coincidences...it’s not a joke...and you are a lucky one. 

You are both the boat and the sea. You are both the shoe being chucked at a wall and the shiny new kicks. 

You too are the lighthouse and the storm. 

The ground you walk is fragile and vulnerable because it needs to be. In my opinion...it should always be. It’s a reminder that life is precious. The world is precious....and our part in this cycle is precious too.  

The weight that almost killed me, didn’t. And when it didn’t, I came to realize that although my place here was still so undefined, that enigma was not just okay...it was necessary.

We all walk paths that will most definitely include detours full of quick sand and broken pieces. There is no escaping that no matter how young or old you are. No matter where you stand but, it’s those messy moments that often turn into beautiful disasters. The lessons needed to learn and grow. 

We always want to get to the end game more quickly than we should. It’s human nature. It’s living in the 21st century. It’s instant gratification. 

But here and there aren’t anything without everything in between. 

The solid ground you seek, will be found. It’s just gonna take miles to get to and that is okay. Take your time. Enjoy the unsure parts. Enjoy the journey...enjoy the rocky, difficult road. You’ll find out the chapters that almost broke you, were the very ones that helped build your foundation. You’ll figure out no matter how sturdy your steps are, you’ll still stumble somewhere. 

Sinking. Failing. Falling. Getting stuck. Are just as important as shining, thriving, and moving forward....because in this life...everything...and I mean everything... counts. 

Happy Weekend, Y’all. And remember...take care of yourselves and each other. 

~x~

Hope. 

🎧music inspiration for post🎧

Lost by Local Natives

P.S 

Fun Facts I found on BuzzFeed.Com about clumsy people: 

You're amazing at first aid and always carry supplies.

Wet floors are your mortal enemy. 

You're not even a little scared of blood.

*raise your hand if any or all apply* 🙋🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ *whole article can be found here 👉🏼https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/niralishah/the-floor-needs-a-hug