Now I’m In It

Lordy, Lordy...I’m 40. 40 years ago on the 18th of May, I was brought into the world at the exact moment Mt. Saint Helen’s erupted...coincidentally my Mama’s name is Helen. *Just a little fun fact about me.

So far I’ve been asked what it feels like? And to be honest, my only reply has been, “It feels refreshing.” 

My parents are both equally amazed that their daughter has reached this threshold and I’d be lying if I said, I wasn’t as well. There have been many a time where I, myself, never thought I’d make this far either. 

But here we are. I conquered my 20’s, I ripped through my 30’s...I’m 40! Holy Fuck! I’m 40!!! 

And with age, comes wisdom...and with wisdom comes experiences and advice...and oh how I have a ton of fucking advice. For anyone who wants to hear it, of course. 

This post is dedicated to most of you younger folks but if you older like me, please still read. I’m sure you’ll either agree, get a kick out of the list I’ve compiled...or find it motivating enough to share it with some tender foot that needs to hear it. 

Consider it a counseling consultation! Guidance that’s free of charge! 

However....this isn’t going to be that blog post where I share all the wisdom you’ve already heard: follow your dreams, love your body, be in the here and now...yadda, yadda, yadda. Blahhhhh! 

No, it’s taking a different approach. My list is compromised of outward thinking and refreshing reflection because something about this milestone and year has brought a bold new attitude...and this WOULD NOT be MY blog if I didn’t feel obliged to bestow my hindsight unto you. 

It is 20/20 after all. 

I am now among the group that knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Yea, I’m in that crew now. Check that box...I’m here. All you 40’s and above...roll call! 

So no more dilly-dallying...

Andiamo!  Let’s go. 

1. It’s cliché to say...I know. I know. I said I wasn’t going to create a redundant list buuuuut....this one’s crucial. You’ve heard this piece of encouragement on memes, in songs, on cards...you’ve seen it everywhere! It’s that good and it demands reinforcement. Ready? Here ya go....DANCE like no one is watching. Goddamnit! Dance like you are the only one in the room and your favorite fucking song just came on. I promise you..NO ONE IS FUCKING WATCHING and if they are, they are either jealous of your free spirit or trying to figure out a way to let go of their own inhibitions and join in. Unless you’re famous or you’re physically making a point to be analyzed by the outside world...I swear to you NO ONE IS KEEPING THEIR EYES GLUED TO YOUR EVERY WAKING MOVE. I know this concept is hard to grasp, given the social media frenzy we are bombarded with but I tell you NOW 99.9% of folks don’t give a damn about what you are doing or saying....so....shake that ass. Live life and eventually others will dance to your tune. And if they don’t, fuck ‘em. Life is too short to be so caught up in what others think. Haters are going to hate. That’s what they do. If you are being that closely observed than whomever is doing the spying, is extremely bored and just wishes for a second they were you. Be your fucking self and the rest will follow. Celebrate your fucking life. Quit saying you hate ‘selfies’ if that’s all you share on your social pages. Own that shit like there’s no tomorrow and if this feeling of yours stems from  your surroundings-step away from the judgmental cunty shitbags. Including yourself. Find a new supportive circle. Find a new complementary voice. People assuming what they want ain’t got shit to do with you...and most of the time what you think is about you, isn’t. If you find yourself acting like this too...take a break, you cranky son-of-a-bitch! Turn off the noise and find your fucking center. All this dramatic fuckery you’re throwing yourself into, isn’t going to mean a damn thing ten years from now. Shit...it isn’t even going to pale in comparison to all the lessons you’ll be thrown a year from now. It will be a forethought that was forgotten and forged from. So dance! DANCE, DANCE, DANCE! 
2. Stop being so caught up in likes and followers and labels and fake personas. Hold up...wait did she just say that? Yes, yes...SHE did and before you all get ALL bent out of shape with this one...because I too keep a look out for these social media essentials, there’s a difference in enjoying the praise and being preoccupied with it. I’m a blogger...I’m new to the photography world. I’m a creative and what I put out, I want recognition for. I’m not putting my blood, sweat, and tears into a creative project just to see a low interactive body count. That’s depressing and I don’t agree that social platforms aren’t real life. They very much are a part of everyday, REAL fucking life. Except with one difference! It’s a filtered version. The influencers and celebrities you all drool over, are giving you the best versions of themselves. They are paid to make you believe they are on point every damn minute of their lives. One thing this pandemic has taught me...this brood are normal human beings when you take the high profiles away. They come with a clan of highly paid PR agents and I’d bet money that some days they wished.  they blended  into the background instead of standing  out. I can’t feel too terrible though, being in the limelight and having all eyes on you, comes with this territory! Yes, my goals for both my photography page and my blogging site are to become verified first and foremost. I know this will lead to other opportunities in this field but everyone starts somewhere. Most of those verified accounts took years to retrieve. Yes, I know this door that’s been ajar for decades now, deserves to be fully opened and for once I’m forcing this bitch open. It’s the only passage through to the the other side. I know wonderful breakthroughs are on the horizon for me. I feel it in my bones. I’m not just repeating a mantra to make them so...I’m actually working towards my goals and desires. Every. Single. Damn. Day. I’m stepping through that gigantic, heavy and intimidating door. I don’t agree with compromising my moral character but this trade comes with double-edged sword and it often times has me teetering between what’s easy and what’s real. It would be sooooo easy to pay for ‘friends’ and social media attention but that’s not how I want this all to go down. My words and photographs are important enough to stand on their own. I want people to actually connect with what I put out. And yeah, it’s infuriating to see a post of a half-naked woman or some popular human by name alone receive comment after comment or like after like while my creation gets lost in the haystack. But this is part of this GIG. Hard work and determination and persistence and patience...they are all part of this. Do your thing. Take that picture because you want to...not because you need acceptance from a bunch of people you really don’t know. This also goes hand-in-hand with how we perceive our own social media personalities. If you want support, give support. If you only post your life for vanity’s sake and can’t be bothered to interact with other people, you, my friend-might end up drowning in a pool of your own reflection. Meaning, your ego is going to crush you. Being told how amazing you are all the time is just as lethal as being tossed aside and ignored. Never boasting for someone else is just as much a sacrilege as never getting cheered on yourself. Your identity doesn’t solely rest in your profiles and if it does, then make damn sure you take the time to interact with others. This is how you build your creative community. This is how you maintain your social media support system. It’s not all about YOU...24/7...365...despite what you may think. What you put out, comes back and if you want to build a name for yourself on whatever social site you prefer then take the time to recognize other people are doing the same damn they. Support there efforts because they need you too. It’s give and take and if you can’t be troubled with the giving part...YOU ARE GOING TO BE ON ONE LONELY PATH. 
3. Life is a crazy ride. I’m not sugar coated shit for y’all because life will spit you out, if you let it. Trust. I’ve had some insane shenanigans thrown my way and I’ve proven so many wrong. I weave in and out of  thinking I’m a warrior to having nothing to offer. I know I’m a badass but I’m not so prideful that I believe I have nothing yet still learn. I am so much to learn because at 40, my life is just beginning. I look at every moment as an exciting new adventure leading me to where I ultimately want to be. Even the slower paced days of late have me peeling layer after layer. Removing each shadow that’s been in my way! Everything...and I mean EVERYTHING is temporary and if you rush through life now, what the hell will you have to look forward to? Calm. It. The. Fuck. Down. Breathe. You’ll get there Wherever ‘there’ might be. Give yourself the chance to enjoy the ride because the makes up the bulk of your trip. 
4. STOP BEING ASSHOLES! All of you. No one is exempt. Not even me. Stop acting like your more important than you actually are. For fuck’s sake. Enough. You don’t need praise every time you enter a room, every time you sit down at a table. You don’t need doves being released because of your very existence. Be it your social sites or in ‘real’ physical life. You don’t need your ass kissed or the V.I.P experience to enjoy time spent here on earth. Find your humility and learn what being humble actually means. Like, look it up...because some of you seems confused as fuck! You don’t need to throw yourself at someone or into an unfamiliar world to the point you become obsessed or unrecognizable to the person staring back at you. I know this is all part of growing up but set some standards for yourself. Set some fucking boundaries...because one day you’ll look back and cringe at some of the choices you have made. Albeit, this is a rite of passage...you will fuck up and make mistakes....I’m just trying to inform you that most of these mishaps are unnecessary and your fault by default. Think before you speak. Think before you react. Know which battles are worth  fighting for and which are better to walk away from....my name’s Paul and that shit’s between y’all. When you keep making the same damn stupid moves and it only leads to the same damn stupid results, something has to give and that usually will depend on you. Hear me now...LOUD AND CLEAR...you in the back absorbed in your phone...heed this message or down the road, you will find yourself burying your head in the sand trying to escape every move that’s trying to catch your ass. If you are younger (like in your 20’s) and reading this...I’m not going to apologize for what I am about to say however I do want to make it clear that it’s not coming from an evil place...because it’s not. It’s just what I’ve learned in 40 years of life tagging me in. In the grand scheme of things your image is just a tiny fraction of  WHO you are as a whole. Looks fade, money disappears, statuses change....you are still clueless as to who you really are. Despite thinking that you know yourself inside and out...who you are now WILL NOT be who you are ten years from now. You still have a lot of growing up to do, your personal narrative still has a stack of empty pages left to write. You are still immature and inexperienced and that’s not a negative thing. It only becomes a tragedy when you believe at your age you know everything and you have it all figured out. This cockiness will ultimately bite you in the ass. Like a Rottweiler taking a huge chunk and holding on for dear life until you scream your safe word. Advice coming from someone older, warranted or not, isn’t meant to offend you or control you. You are going to do what you want to do regardless...but when the older crowd is giving you a life lesson, listen to it. I mean really hear what is being said. Instead of searching for a rebuttal, shut your mouth and listen. People didn’t get to their ages, to have a younger generation swoop in and dismiss everything we’ve gone through. I’m not saying my generation is perfect and all knowing but our sage stories can prevent some of your own headaches in the future. You all are basically doing what we all did. We have lived and are living. We acted like younger, cocky fucks too. We’ve been there. Done that. You’ll get there too. Oh yes, you’ll watch younger versions come along and want to shake them into reality as well. Just wait. Just. Fucking. Wait. You will find yourself recanting your own tale, in order to guide someone along in theirs. 
5. Take your vitamins, wash your hands, eat your fucking vegetables! Exercise. Put the scale away and just be good to your body. Eat, drink, be merry! Within moderation. If you decide to party like a rockstar one night, take it easy the next. Slow down, cowboy, you’ve got plenty of parties to attend. There is no need to get hammered every night. I lost a first love this way and I’m still so saddened and frustrated that calmness was considered not edgy enough. Also, facts! You won’t be partying the way you are once you reach your 30’s and definitely not in your 40’s but the objective is to get there. To live long enough to  make it this far. You don’t need to be poppin’ bottles every night to appear cool. Stillness is okay. Recharging your batteries is vital. And if the only people that ever want to hang with you are those that only want to party, find new friends or learn to be your own best friend. You need people that can just sit with you and talk. You need people that don’t just use you for a good time. The older you get, the more these types will be uncovered. 
6. Read a book! For the love of God, read!!!! Literature choices may not always pan out but crack open those books regardless. You can loathe a popular pick if you want to...find a genre you enjoy and go balls to the wall with it. Turn off the laptops, the phones, the televisions and get lost in the pages. Reading makes you smarter. It keeps your brain active and it makes you nicer. True story...it makes you nicer and SOME of YOU need to be nicer. So much of the outside world can subliminally impact our inside voices and most of its consumer hype created to make you believe you need to do this or to be like that...because who you are isn’t good enough. YOU ARE AWESOME JUST AS YOU ARE. Reading silences all the fucking chaos surrounding you. Even if you live the most peaceful life ever...chaos is everywhere. There is no escaping it. Books..you’ll soon discover help you cope with an abundance of shit coming at you in all directions. 
7. Travel. You don’t have to go into debt to do this...you also don’t need to take the cheapest route possible either. Those cheap airline tickets once everything is included: seats, luggage, food, taxes and fees equal to a more expensive ticket that includes all of the above. Travel like a hobo when you’re young-it’s another rite of passage to backpack through the world couch surfing, hostel hopping, and sleepy in slightly shady hotel rooms with 12 other people. It’s also a rite of passage that once you hit a certain age cheap equals uncomfortable...first class isn’t only for the privileged select few. Upgrading, business class, premium, better rooms with nicer views, bigger seats on a train...it’s all within reach. It just takes time and research. Patience and planning. I’ve traveled on a tiny budget and I’ve traveled without financial worry. Both were equally as wonderful. Honestly, I feel bad for anyone who is younger and has never had to mind a budget or experience the cheap seats. By the time you get to my age, what’s exciting and new? What do you have to appreciate? There is so much grey area between A and V.I.P. As Kendrick  Lamar says, “Bitch. Sit down. Stay Humble.” Seriously. Sit down. Please, sit the fuck down. Traveling opens your eyes and it educates you. It doesn’t matter how far you go. Take a side street. Take the back road...choose travel over anything. Big house? No. Travel instead. Crazy, expensive vehicle? No. Go on a holiday! That outfit that compares to a week long stay somewhere weird or exotic...pick weird and exotic every time! When you’re on your death bed, it won’t be about the fancy shit you owned or the money you earned or the image you upheld...it will be about your adventures and the life you led. 
8. Learn some fucking survival skills, respect, and responsibility. Y’all I’m baffled as to how so many-specifically those that are much younger-don’t know how to operate essential life skills. Basic shit. It’s not all your fault...I blame outside influences but at some point you do NEED to be an independent and capable adult! You DO NEED to learn how to change a tire, drive a manual car, cook, and do your OWN laundry. You DO NEED to know how to read a map that isn’t on a phone, memorize at least one phone number by heart, and grow a garden at least once in your life! You DO NEED to learn how to manage your money and pay it back if you borrow it, without being prompted. In fact, if you borrow anything, return it without being asked. You need to get to places on time and pull your weight when collective work is required. Open the door for other people. Take your hat off when you go into a restaurant. Say please and thank you and if you’re so inclined to take this a step further, say sir and ma’am. Stand if a seat is between you and an older person or a mother with children or someone who physically needs the seat over you. Recycle. Don’t litter. Pick up trash if you see it. Be good to animals and each other. Stop being keyboard warriors! Stop talking shit about people behind their backs. Seek out answers on all platforms and draw your own conclusions but be adjustable enough to see other perspectives. Learn how to survive without technology being your crutch. We need more common sense over anything else right now and I keep asking myself where this went? What the fuck happened? Get an ass beating without pulling out a weapon or seeking revenge. Put the camera away and become an integral part of society. Life still happens with or without documentation. 
9. Quit it with the crowd mentality. If I see a repeat of the same thought pattern one more time, I’m going to claw my eyes out. Just kidding. I like my eye balls but one quick question, what happened to originality? What happened to not being afraid of walking to the beat of your own drum? If you don’t like something that the rest of the world seems to be down with...So. FUCKING. Be. It. I don’t like gravy and I grew up in the south. I think Game of Thrones was a terrible show. I think Gucci, Louis Vuitton and that sparkly clothing company Affliction are lame AF. Most books and movies that claim to be the best ever, I want to set on fire or beg for wasted time back. I think Trump is a turd and I think most reality stars and famous people shouldn’t be idolized the way they are. I can’t dislike bullies and cliquish groups and I may stand alone in my opinions but I’ll stand proud, regardless. No one says you have to agree or disagree. Take it or leave it. I appreciate thinking independently. I appreciate being made from a contrasting mold. Authenticity is a lost art form these days and we need to figure out how to stop the madness before we all turn into carbon copies of one another. This isn’t a world-wide club only accepting certain prototypes. Individuality matters. And this is a lesson I learned from bullies and catty girls alike. Who I was or how I thought was made fun of only to be copied later...imitation being the biggest form of flattery. It took me years to love the skin I’m in and I love knowing that there ain’t NO ONE out there like me. There might be similars but when it gets down to the nitty-gritty, I’m a one woman, solo act. I’m not easily forgotten because of this and I know that my magnetic glow draws people in for the long haul. This was a reinforced with all the lovely birthday notes sent my way this week. I honor this. I respect it. I treat it like precious, fragile stones that I wanna keep shiny. Which brings me to number 10. 
10. Know what loyalty means. Give it and expect it. If it doesn’t equal out, set bridges on fire and and don’t look back at the blaze. We all have fair weathered folks in our lives. Those that disappear the second times gets tough or finally appear just to watch the soap opera unfold. Neither of these people are worth your time or energy. They are soul sucking vampires, not fans in your corner. Stop trying to cater to these shitty, selfish assholes. You know why? Well, I will be brutally honest with you...these people don’t want to see you rise. They looooove seeing you fail and flail and by wasting your time trying to appease the naysayers, you’re dismissing all your allies. The older you get, the smaller your tight circle runs. The length of time someone has been in your life DOES NOT MEAN they are loyal. It’s not an instant pass to forgive and forget daggers thrown. It just means you’ve committed yourself to this connection. Toxic is as toxic does and it’s high time we all learn to differentiate the foe from the friend. This goes both ways. If you cannot give an inch of loyalty then don’t expect a mile of it in return. Relationships-whatever type this is-are a two way street. They require nurturing on both sides. So many cut throats just see the blood drawn and that shit’s for the birds. 
11. Have roots but learn how to fly. The branches will always be there. Meaning, don’t be afraid to leave everything that is comfortable and familiar. Routine can be lethal. Give yourself the chance to make it elsewhere. Give yourself the chance to be the small fish in a big pond instead of being the big fish in a small pond. Growth means letting go of whatever it is your holding so tightly onto: a thought pattern, an expectation, a way of being. All of this stagnation, will slow you down! If you want to know what you are really capable of get away from everything you’ve grown so accustomed to. If this new direction leads you back to your roots, no worries. That’s where your soul belongs but if you never give your self the chance to explore other alternative, you’ll never know. And I’m betting, once you step outside of your cozy, safe bubble it will be a glorious tour de force. 
12. Don’t rush into any relationship. You’ll most likely have many and there is nothing wrong with that, you’re supposed to. It’s rare if you find ‘the one’ you’re meant to love forever while you’re still young...some of you have and that’s beautiful but vast majority of us barely know who we are by my age so add a whole bunch of inexperience and ridiculous needy expectations and you have a recipe for disaster. I’ve had lovers that were meant to show me part of myself while I’ve had partners make me learn the value of those parts. I’ve never had a one night stand but I have had brief romantic encounters that left long lasting impressions. Date, be single, have fun, be in love but do these in a way that you never end up compromising what you really want in a mate. You deserve to grow old with someone you didn’t just settle for because you were lonely. Relationships are hard enough to maintain, throw in love and they become even more of a responsibility. If you don’t have the time or you’re just not there...or something is plaguing you that this relationship isn’t right, let it go. Both parties warrant a stokes feeling. When relationships do end, walk away gracefully. Heartbreak heals-just give it time. Don’t go act a fool and show out. Don’t stoop to dramatic antics that leave you looking like a desperate twit. Have some dignity...because the second you show your ass, it’s the one thing anyone will remember. You didn’t enter something with someone and share some solid moments only to negate them with bitterness and revenge. Not everything is an end, sometimes it’s just a pause. Take that however you want...because it just about answers every question under the relationship category. While we’re on the topic. Get to know someone! Have a conversation that involves voices not instant messenger, emojis or text. Ask questions. Listen to stories. Swap commonalities and even when you think you know so much, soak up more. We evolve. Our lanes shift. If something is too perfect, too quickly...you’re walking to fast to notice the warning signs. There is a reason behind the phrase “honeymoon stage.” Sure...the first three months everything is beautiful and amazing. You’re singing in the shower and skipping down the street but then the realness comes out and all that glitter from the previous three months becomes the wrong swipe made. Nothing wrong with moving at a snails pace...if someone really wants you around, they’ll stick around. 
13. Let the universe guide you instead of trying to manipulate how want things to go. Yes, everything bad that can happen will and that avalanche will hurdle towards you in lightening speed....but the thing about this is all disasters clear up. You’ll be stuck with the wreckage but you’ll have enough pieces to build shelter once more. We’re all put in positions to run for our lives, fight or flight either decision depends on the severity of the situation. Ask yourself...”When I turn 40 (like that lady who wrote that one list I once read somewhere) is this choice going to matter?” If the answer is no. Then fly like a damn bird. Be free little one, be free! If the answer is yes! Then fight your ass off! Don’t let anything or anyone sway your slay. You’ve got bigger devils to dance with. 

“Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, poet.