Nike’s

I feel like everything is coming at me full force and I can’t control a goddamn thing! Today, I had a long, hard cry. Sometimes this release is necessary and most days, I’m upbeat and positive...the lighthouse you find in a storm, or so I’ve been told. I view the world as a loving place. I smile, I’m kind, I’m empathetic...I try to be different because the world is filled with the same kind. 

But sometimes all that strength breaks the proverbial camel’s back. So today I had a long, hard cry. Nothing in my life is worth crying over...everything is swell...I’m working towards goals, I’m living a dream life, I’m coming out of my shadow...I’m living nothing but happy fucking days! 

But today...I had a long, hard cry....because the outside world is breaking my heart. 

I finally built up enough courage to see a video being spread all over the internet and I went from rage to sadness to helplessness to worry and everything in between. This is America....I sometimes hate it here. This is the world...I sometimes hate it here...so I had a long, hard cry....because...I watched (yet again) another black man die. 

This place....this unidentifiable place...is no longer safe or great or what it once used to mean to me...and maybe it never was great or safe...maybe I just looked for the good and disregarded all those red flags? 

I’ve heard this repeated tale. The narrative is the same but the character changes. A boy eating a bag of skittles turns into a man standing outside of a store. A woman at a traffic stop, turns into a woman sleeping in her bed. A man getting pulled over and announcing his right to bare arms turns into a boy  jogging in a “white neighborhood.” 

Another black person’s death at the hands of ruthlessness and cowardliness and racism combined. So I had a long, hard cry. 

I couldn’t understand why? 

I thought about my black friends and their off spring. I thought of my sister and her black husband and their half black child. I thought of my auntie and I broke down. 

I thought about the counter argument that ALL LIVES MATTER and how it only started when black people demanded a voice. I thought that “all” was inclusive but I know it’s not mutually exclusive. 

So I had a long, hard cry. 

All lives matter...yes...but when the only lives being cut short are those that are ethnic, gay, poor, from a different religion or gender...there’s no “ALL” involved..it’s just “ME” and “MY” life mattering. It’s a counter argument instead of an apology...it’s an excuse to keep being a bigot and look passed the bigotry. No one deserves to die because of the color of their skin. No one deserves to be hated for who they love, the country they come from, or what god they believe in. No one deserves to be tossed aside because they don’t have a large bank account. 

I watched a man die. 

I watched him take his last breath. I watched a man with sinister energy finally being filmed for an act I’m sure he’s done before.  

I felt the energy. I saw the smirk. I was repulsed by the body language. This cop’s true nature flashed before my eyes. He wasn’t a good person. I felt his family feared him just as much as the ones he was meant to protect and serve did. He was nothing like my cop friends who are actual decent people doing a dangerous job. He was the danger to society...and his actions finally recorded for the world to see. 

I watched no one help or stop the madness...out of fear and shock. I watched other officers allow the death to happen. Turning their heads as to seemingly brush it off. 

This is the umpteenth time, I’ve watched a video like this...so I broke down and had a long, hard cry. 

All lives means all lives. It doesn’t mean white and wealthy. All lives means protecting all fucking lives, just not the ones that think and look like you and me. 

This is America. A place where white men with assault weapons can storm capitol buildings and walk away unscathed. This is America where during a pandemic a man can walk into a sandwich shop with a rocket launcher and no one bats an eye. This is America...where if you were black and you did these things, you’d be shot dead without second thought. You get killed for less. 

This ISN’T America, it just can’t be.

The sadness. The confusion and frustration..the constant disappointment in humanity. 

So I had a long, hard cry. 

I want to live in a parallel universe where there is no such thing as hate or poverty. There is no hunger or the oppressed. Faith is accepting, gender doesn’t matter, love is love, and a skin color is a tone not a Scarlett Letter. 

I want to be proven wrong that we all have a chance to thrive and survive...because right now I don’t see it. Opportunities are for the select few. 

My heart trembles and aches for this hope I want to see in the world. Never giving up that eventually things will change and peace will triumph over all odds. 

“I’m not black but I see you” and I dare say something like this happens in front of my face, I might be dying with you because I will be doing everything in my power to stop the madness. I will be the voice you feel you no longer have. I will fight for you. I will stand up against the tyranny. I will protect all my brothers and sisters and their offspring: white, black, purple or orange. You and yours are important. You and yours deserve the same rights I have and I won’t stop until you and yours feel safe once more. I’ve never been one to shy away from speaking up and I’m not changing this about me anytime soon...even more so now. Maybe, I’m not strong enough for this world...maybe my soul doesn’t belong here but warriors are few and far in between and while I am here...I will be a warrior...for you, for me, for all those that are oppressed...because when you are oppressed so am I. 

“Prejudice is a burden that confuses the past, threatens the future, and renders the present inaccessible.”

~Maya Angelou