Trying To Put Meaning To The Struggles

Between my car engine blowing up, my mom’s cancer scare that turned into a hospital hostage takeover situation, and the Covid-19 monster, I have aged 20 years. 

And as time progresses and more news comes rolling in concerning Covid-19, I am aging even more. Life, I guess always get worse before it ever truly gets better? 

You know....up until now, I have always looked much younger than my actual age...but this year...no this year....I have caught up, I have surpassed my soon to be age 40! 

To celebrate I’m throwing myself a 60th birthday bash party because that is exactly the age I feel. 

At least maybe now I won’t get carded as often. 

Dear 2020: 

You need to go back from the beginning and try again because this shit ain’t working. And when I said I felt a change in the air on New Year’s Day....this wasn’t the change I was talking about. Although....I understand...Mother Earth has finally stepped in and she’s had enough. And, I’d be lying if I I said I didn’t agree; folks do need to stop and slow down for a bit! Buuuuut last year was so wonderful and all I wanted was a continuation of that trend. I am empathetic to the message you are sending out but did you have to go all psycho ex with it? I mean...I feel like you and 2016 are battling it out to see who wins worst year yet. Still, you two have nothing on 2010/11...so try again...or actually just STOP! Stopping would be good. 

I can relate to the cause...we are, absolutely, without any doubt destroying ourselves along with everyone and everything around us...our sweet mother Gaia included. I have noticed clearer skies and waterways. I have noticed there is less pollution and less trash all around.  I have taken into account what’s really important....and in my opinion-just as it always has been-it’s not money, power or the status quo. 

We, in a way, needed this worldwide smack to the face. I get it...I do...and I guess...it’s better that this all comes at me like a freight train rather than a steam engine puttering down the tracks. But really? I thought we had a mutual agreement, NO. MORE. BULLSHIT.  keine Scheiße mehr! 

Last Sunday, I was supposed to see an Icelandic artist named *Ásgeir. What a way to decompress? Amirite? Music. A night out. A way to get my mind off of it all and since I decided I really wasn’t planning on traveling that much this year, I opted to splurge on another passion of mine. Music. This year I was going to indulge in my city’s overall amazing music scene. So many wonderful acts hit up spots all over this state. Musicians from far and wide play from tiny venues, to haunted hotels to a world renowned amphitheater. Guess, the joke’s on me? 

Before I moved cross country, seeing live music was part of my everyday life. I worked at a small music venue that also hosted a plethora of well known and unknown artists. It was a normal weekend with a show or a few involved. A simple bicycle ride away, a few bucks and a gathering for friends. From venue to venue, something for everyone. The town even held a huge Punk Festival on Halloween weekend. Music makes up a part of my soul and when my husband and I ended our year of travel, he and I came to a compromise...I wouldn’t push travel as much as long as he let me see live shows. Not that he “lets me” do anything. I have free will but when you’re married and trying to build a future, ya gotta talk about finances...and music is part of finances-especially now, given how pricey seeing a live show has gotten. And totes...truth...he was excited to see Sunday’s Ásgeir show as well. 

*You can lead the couple to Iceland then force them to leave...because vacation...but you can never take the Iceland away from the couple. When all is said and done, WE ARE seeing this show come hell or high water and we’re also returning to that majestic and wonderful island. Hopefully over the holidays. Fingers crossed. 

My city shut down two days prior! Said show postponed...as well as the one I had planned for April. In all honestly, these venues probably should have been shut down sooner....but just like me....they too were naive to the severity of what’s going on....aaaannnddd I know 💯 that this is a first world problem aaaaannnddd not being able to see some live music is small potatoes in the grand scheme of the produce aisle. I’m not an asshole...these shows will come back but I’m still bummed about it and that’s okay. We’re allowed to be upset about our excitements getting bursted. 

At first I was like many of you, convinced this wasn’t a big deal...that everyone was overreacting! Then the whole world was shutting down and items on grocery store shelves were disappearing in droves and people were dying left and right and it became obvious that this had just cause for all the panic. The grim reaper is playing duck, duck goose with us all. 

My heart aches for every artist friend I have...near and far...and even for the ones I don’t know. I’m saddened that the livelihoods of those that depend on a small businesses or a job in the service industry have been put on pause. I’m terrified for yet completely humbled by anyone who works at a gas station, grocery store, post office, or in any emergency response field. 

Life, in its strange days must go on. At least in some fraction of a functioning way. 

We’ve gotten so used to convenience and modern day short cuts that we no longer rely on ourselves or our talents or smarts or due diligence or self sufficiency. 

I know technology is mainly what’s getting us through these trying days...and I’m the first one to rave about modern day living but there’s something to be said about putting the tech away and getting lost in a book or conversation. Right now all we have are those simple things that we’ve taken for granted as well as been strayed away from. There is something to be said about growing your own food, building your own shelter, collecting your own water, knowing how to read a map or remembering a phone number. Driving a manual vehicle, changing a tire, knowing how to cook. The list of essentials. Skills we are slowly losing because everything and I mean everything from laundry to house cleaning to pre made meals to becoming INSTA popular are all equipped for instant gratification. We have lost ourselves in chaos and sometimes silence and a disconnect is the only remedy. 

Mostly though, I’m torn up about not being able to see my mom. Even though I want to and even though I can...I can’t. Just the travel alone would put her fragile immune system at risk and it sucks but I’m staying put for her...because one day soon...I want things to get back to how they once were. With the exception of our environment. This forced break is creating sustainability...and you’d be blind not to notice that. 

But our world won’t...unless we all step back and lay low for awhile. 

My head is swimming with uncertainty and fear...although I am trying my best to stay positive and upbeat. I just can’t be like that all the time and I’m okay with it. We all have to be okay with the freak outs and doubt. You’d have to be literally dead or so young you only comprehend eating, crying, sleeping and pooping not feel a shred of anxiousness, sadness, fear or worry. I’m not saying that’s the feeling 24/7 but it is taking up a lot of space. 

And I can’t help but wonder in all this time of reflection-is this the reset button we all have been repeatedly asking for? 

21 Things I’m learning from Covid-19....

1. People still want to come up with conspiracy theories rather than blame themselves for how bad things have gotten. Please....for once take off the tin foil hat and join us at the adults table. I’m not denying that there is or isn’t some weird conspiracy to this but right now...in this very moment...we need solutions, not a sci-fi spin off. 
2. Schools don’t need tests to succeed or thrive. Kids can still learn without the fear of a statewide test. Tests have become more important than learning and we need learning and skills and talents now more than ever. 
3. Many careers can actually be done remotely. Your boss has just been caught up in an old way of doing things. I hope after all this is through, most jobs realize they are not only saving money but can now help the environment by urging people to work from home. Working from home takes discipline though...everyone can do it...you just need discipline. 
4. Travel and gas don’t need to be so expensive. These industries just made it so and we all went along with it. Traveling is one of the best educational tools out there and it shouldn’t break your bank nor be exclusively catered for the rich. We could all us 
5. When panic sets in apparently we all need stockpiles of toilet paper. Thankfully that bullshit is subsiding. *No pun intended. I literally watched a guard smack an extra pack of tp out of a man’s hand and say, “Not today! One pack per customer.” It was shocking but funny as well. Sorry, but it was. 
6. A government can look after its people and its high time that they did instead of what we’ve been getting for centuries on end now. Corporations are important but so is human life. Capitalism is good. So is socialism and you can have a great nation when both are worker together for the greater good. 
7. The environment can clean itself up when we aren’t all consistently shitting on it. It is as we speak and I hope you all remember this when things get back to the way they were. We need Mother Earth more than our own breath and without her, we’ll be far off worse than any plague that took us out. 
8. Most people are taking this thing seriously but of course my country still has to show its know-it-all ass. I’m sorry. To all of you who believe every American is like this, know that we aren’t. Most of us are actually really kind and beautiful people. 
9. Trump is still a twat no matter what wrongs he tries to rectify. Sorry...not sorry. I will cheer the day he is gone. 
10. Your fancy house, fancy car, name brand clothing...and other useless crap that make you feel big and bad and important aren’t important anymore nor will they be for a long time coming. Get used to it. Be proud of what you have and be grateful but at this point, it’s more about your character above anything else. 
11. My country and even the world relies heavily on minimum wage and blue collar workers...more than any other industry out there. It’s about time we recognize them as essential more so than the 1%. 
12. Grocery store employees, gas station employees, and anyone in the medical/emergency field have now become soldiers on the front line....and they have little protection. Stop acting ignorant to this fact and stay the fuck home. And if you do have to interact with these folks, be kind. The whole world is a mess...so take your frustrations elsewhere. 
13. I actually do feel like I’m living in a sci-fi movie and I’m really hoping the repeated apocalyptic type dreams I have had in the past are just that, dreams. I’m not ready to save humans for their bad choices...but I will because that’s who I am. 
14. Humans can be funny and kind when a crisis unfolds. This is refreshing to see but also a sad realization. It’s something we’ve been missing for so long and it took a world wide tragedy to receive this wonderful gift. I really hope this mentality will stick after we return to our regularly scheduled programming. 
15. Humans can also be arrogant and ignorant. Regardless of the tragedy. I’m hoping the above kindness and humor will win the final round. 
16. Our lives will never be the same after this...if nothing less, it’s a lesson we all learned. But we will overcome and adjust accordingly as we always do. I’ve learned to cope during many a tragedy...I’ve learned to adjust: a high school mass shooting a month before my own high school graduation, 9/11 during college, the recession of 2008, numerous wars, natural disasters and discoveries and don’t even get me started on my own personal life. Each moment in time a turn point signifying a new way of thinking.  I hope you all from here on out are thankful to whomever or whatever you are thankful to for what you have, how far you’ve come, and the lesson you’ll get out of this. 
17. A pandemic shouldn’t have told you to wash your bloody hands or cough into your sleeve or in general not be a dirty, disgusting bitch. You should have already been doing these things. Unfortunately, most can’t just take a sick day-most of us have to keep going but by changing dirty daily habits we can curb most viruses. Also, vitamins...fruits...veggies...foods that aren’t sprayed with chemicals are good for you. They are your friends. Animals are good for you too...if you eat meat. I do. How we are farming in mass production, isn’t. Support your local farms. Support your smaller business. Change your habits! Furthermore, until we get a better overall health system that includes paid sick leave, hospital and doctor visits that don’t destroy us financially...we need to be our own doctors and health gurus. Do your research. Learn your body. Take care of it 95% of the time. 
18. Life doesn’t need to be so expensive. Again...those at the top made these rules and we had no other choice than to adhere to them. It’s time to stand up and say no more. I don’t have all the answers but I do understand one very important thing: one group shouldn’t be able to eat all the cookies when most of us are starving. 
19. Life doesn’t need to be so extravagant. Bigger, better, newer...more. This way of thinking is destroying our souls. Money is a tool among many others in the metaphorical tool box of life. Some situations call for a hammer instead of a knife. 
20. Most people who have been poor or are poor, will be the hardest hit but will also come out as the biggest survivors. We’re used to going without. We’re used to stress and trying to survive. When life gets back to normal, I want our group to soar to great heights. We longer belong in the gutter. In fact, next time anyone questions raising a pay wage-remember these low level paid employees are the ones out there while the rest of us our being quarantined. 
21. We’re in this together. We’ll get through it and tomorrow may not be a guarantee but right now....right now we have a chance to make tomorrow a possibility. 

Since quarantine, I have written more than I have in a while. Post after post. Writing is a crucial part of my existence...ha...I got ‘social distancing’ down...leave me to my writing hole and I’ll stay put for days on end. Don’t threaten me with a good time, Roni. 

In addition, I finally started a website to sell my photos. I’m assuming that people won’t splurge on my them right now and rightly so....I don’t expect them to. That $35 could go towards food or if it’s found, toilet paper. Toilet paper-by the way-in 2020 has become the new Where’s Waldo. 

Nonetheless, I’m proud I created it...the page of course, will most likely evolve over time-just as my blog has-buuuut-I’ve been talking about a photography website for far too long now and I guess being forced to stay put by the government combined with forcing myself to think about something other than my car, my mom, and the Great Grim Reaper of 2020 were the pushes I needed to actually get it the ball rolling. Ah, the slow moving Taurus strikes again. 

I was actually ‘lucky’ enough to find some TP the other day. Funny, the term ‘lucky’ now equates to a tissue that wipes your ass but I still found it and it felt like I had won a million bucks. To find it though, I had to get up around 6am and wait in a crowded line for a store to open. Then like cattle, proceed to another line for the paper aisle. 

It was like Disney minus being the happiest place on earth. So it wasn’t Disney at all. It was calm, somber, and filled with distressed faces. I came home immediately after and pumped myself full of vitamins. Took a shower and slept for a while. Hoping maybe this would be just another one of my many apocalyptic style dreams...but it wasn’t, it was reality. 

When I was a two, I got pneumonia. I almost died. When I was six, I broke my arm and I did die. I had a heart condition that my mom was unaware of and my heart reacted to the medicine I was given. It stopped twice. I woke up to defibrillators in my face and a nurse crying. That same hospital visit...I also tried to escape. That same nurse brought me a hamburger and strawberry milkshake the day I was discharged. Strange how some memories stick while others fade away into the background. I wonder if I will remember these times like those days? 

I am also highly allergic to penicillin and erythromycin. 

To top it off, my mom was recently held captive after her lungs collapsed during a biopsy to see if she had lung cancer. Lung cancer for a non-smoker. Lungs collapsing during what should have been an easy procedure. A hospital stay during a fucking pandemic that affects those with shitty immune systems and lung issues. Mama having both. 

Mix all past experiences to recent ones and I hate hospitals and I want nothing to do with this duck, duck, goose game. 

We hid our paper towels and we’re relying on dish towels for most things napkins can do. Something I’ve actually always wanted to implement and I did for a quick minute but once again got so comfortable with grabbing and going with the paper products. Rip after rip with zero consideration for where it goes and how long it takes to break down....and how one day, these might be a necessary commodity. 

Comfort is the ugly creature of habit and my, my how my whole opinion on my own independence has changed. 

I’ve decided once it gets warmer again, I’m building another garden and compost. I used to have both when I lived in a warmer climate and have tried to start both here but I either got distracted or just gave up and nothing came of it. I was lazy. Let’s be honest. 

I even have garden beds built into my property and it’s down right foolish for me not to take advantage and the way food around these parts is becoming so scarce...and the uncertain what the future holds, being as self sufficient as possible is no longer a choice but a priority. What happens if this doesn’t go away or what if it happens again and it’s worse? All questions and ass kicks to myself. I should have been better off. We should have all been better off! 

Besides, being a Taurus...comes with the natural ability to grow just about anything.  We have green thumbs. We can make anything grow under our care. Well...almost anything...I still can’t keep an orchid alive to save my life. Those bitches are my enemy....not Covid...but those little temperamental and needy asshats. I will conquer you orchids, one day. You will be mine. You will become my *Kattegat 

*Vikings reference-read other posts. I’m obsessed with this show and FYI while in quarantine do yourself a favor and binge watch this program. You’re welcome History channel for the TV Yelp review. 

When I came back from Europe and Iceland, I started clearing out my house. The objective was to move in a year or so...sooooo I wanted to start now. I wanted the house to be lighter. My thinking was if I could travel 10 days during the winter months with only a carry on...surely I could live a minimalist lifestyle back home. I’m not bombarded by stuff by any means but it does feel good to not be so attached to material possessions. Since this pandemic, I’ve literally thought about the scenario, “What would I take if I had to leave my home suddenly?” 

I’m finding myself doing things I would have never done before. Shutting curtains...making sure the house looks darker as if no one lives here. Locking doors and blocking other entrances....because in this country...people are seeking out guns and bullets and I don’t trust what will happen when people get desperate and frustrated here. And it guts me....because I am a trusting person and I don’t want to believe mankind sucks at life. 

“We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance and wealth with happiness. We are monkeys with money and guns.” Tom Waits. 

I’m making phone calls instead of sending out texts. I want to hear voices and have conversations because those seem more important than anything else at this time. 

I’m eating food in fragments instead of thinking it will just be readily available whenever I want it. 

I’m going to sleep grateful that at least I have a bed and a roof over my head and that my mom is still here. I’m going to bed more grateful than I ever have been before. 

I’m trying to get the best night’s sleep as well but it’s tough because I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring? I’m sure many of you are the same. 

I’m shutting everything off early. In order to get my mind right because with turning off there is peace...and I need all the peace I can get right now. 

I’m taking showers and repeating how appreciative I am for hot water and the soap I did manage to find. 

I’m making my own soap incase we run out. 

I’m trying to be proactive. 

I’m trying to hold my tongue whenever I see someone who isn’t. Trying being the operative word. 

I’m keepin’ on keepin’ on because this....this struggle...I’m not new to. I’ve lived a hundred lives and they were all filled with tests. This one is no different but it does have an exception....for once in all those lives we are all now on the same level. Every. Single. One of us. The rich, the poor, the famous, the unknown. We are all here. In this one spot. Holding still and holding our breath. In hopes that when we finally exhale, it will bring new life. 

Stay kind. Stay Smart. Stay Safe. Stay Home. Big hugs to you all.