Be Ruthless

Here I am halfway through February and I finally have a chance to sit down and catch up on my blogging. Feels good to be here again. 

Work wise, January was pretty slow for me so I took that as an opportunity to focus on some other long overdue projects. My house being one of them. It’s still not done, by the way! After working and traveling nonstop last year, I kinda let it (among other things) hang by the waist side. I know. I know...but what can I say...that stuff happens. I gotta tell ya though, this has been one very large time consuming task. Eh, at least the house feels lighter. The donation pile, however, not so much. 

Aside from that gigantic job, there was the actual job to go to and in between those things...another artistic endeavor that I’ve been pouring my self into. My photography. 

Between the blog, work, my home, and now this...I’ve been a busy woman and I’m loving it. Last year was all about travel...this year is all about creation. 

I have put a lot of thought into what I wanted my creative goals (and ultimately creative outcome) to be for 2020. Every time this conversation took place it always consisted of two major things, my biggest artistic passions: writing and photography and the next steps I wanted them both to take. Like learning to walk after crawling for so long. 

It seems as though the universe is pulling me more and more towards this direction. As if all the signs suddenly are starting to flash, “Proceed to go. No need for caution.” 

I’ve always wanted to be here. On this very road. And eventually I want both to make money but before I can even do that, I have to expose my art to the world. 

I’ve never had a problem with the idea of making money from something I love. I just believed that I never could. I never believed anyone would want to pay for a photograph I took or something I wrote. Selling what I have spent blood, sweat and tears doing is part of the gig. It doesn’t make me a sellout, it makes me smart. Not to mention, I want to curate things people enjoy, not be part of some exclusive club offended by anyone chasing their dream. 

My Conversations....

•I want more than anything to be known among some for what I create. 

•I want both artistic endeavors to have their own separate identities. 

•I want both to generate their own set of fans.

•I want both to represent me. The real wonderful and talented me. 

•I want both to make a viable income.

•I want to call myself an artist...because I am one! 

With these desires comes dedication to each entity. An attentiveness specifically catered to each passion...because...at the end of the day...each passion is deserving of its own etched out space in time. Both talents have merit and are worth something...to me now more so than anybody. 

And that’s what this is all about. 

It wasn’t that long ago that I lacked the confidence to go after the life I wanted. I was scared, shy, worried, and never quite felt good enough! Funny thing is ‘good enough’ is a relative term. 

I know now, those are just excuses preventing my passions from flourishing the way they should. My stuff can stand on its own two feet. I know this now and it feels wonderful. This is just as important as breathing is. It’s just as much a part of me as it is to other artistic types. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no ego maniac. I am continuously humbled by others’ talents but at some point...I had to stop looking elsewhere and get humbled by my own damn self. I had to ‘be ruthless’ with my own inner dialogue. I had to stop standing around idolizing inspiration and be the inspiration. I needed to put the fear aside and just go for it! 

What was holding me back? 

Myself. 

So I’m following my gifts now! I’m no longer hiding them or myself from the world. I’m putting myself out there in a way I have never done before and it’s exciting. I’m giving my gifts nourishment now instead of letting them starve and in return there is a pride I never thought would be possible. Yes, I did that. Yes, I wrote that. Yes, I took that photo. 

The doubt I once had reared its ugly head in a manner I can’t truly describe. It stemmed from creativity being stifled from snarky remarks from those Jealous Jills and Negative Nancys. The whole Peanut Gallery Posse. 

Oh you know these people...they always have some side eyed, judgement about what you are doing. Instead of support or just straight up staying quiet...they come at you critiques ablazin’...making you feel inadequate...just because they can and you let them. 

Like seriously, Becky! Back off. And if you don’t like what someone is doing so much then why do you try to imitate it any chance you get? Don’t you know you imitation is the biggest form of flattery? 

Back then...people’s opinions meant everything to me and I retreated because of it. Now, I laugh at the judgments. I use them as fuel to keep the creative fire burning. 

I still have a lot to learn! As does anyone living a creative lifestyle. It’s an ever evolving life long journey. Hesitation is part of the growth process but that shouldn’t stop you. What I no longer consider is the whole will they/won’t they like what I’m dishing out. I no longer ponder about professionalism, moving material, relatability, or edginess in my work. I no longer worry about spitting out constant material. I just do and I just create. I show up! 

I know I see things differently than most and I often wonder if this is due to previous lives lived or just an outcome of who I am and what I’ve been through. What I write...what I create is coming from my a mind full of experiences. Some sad, some beautiful, some down right goofy. 

My mind is a fun, weird, eclectic place and when you’re exposing all of the vulnerabilities in such a open fashion, you have to have thick skin! You have to be able to laugh at yourself. You can’t take it so seriously. If you don’t do these things, you’ll never get anywhere. 

You especially have to be able to brush off  the naysayers and move on. And after all these years...I finally have a handle on that concept. My insecurities no longer  consume me the way they once did. 

Doubting myself was always my greatest challenge and finally getting out of my own way, I’m now seeing the woman I always wanted to be.

Before this I was either: too intimidated, too drained, or too involved in listening to what others thought to even consider looking at what I could do as viable and important. Some opinions even had me questioning everything. My worth. My value. My creative energy. These virtues all swirling around in a whirlpool...waiting desperately to be saved from the drowning mess and I was just sitting there watching them sink without thinking of a rescue plan! What was I so afraid of? What was I so intimidated by? 

Creating is a way of life for me. It’s my calm. It’s my happy place. It’s my sanctuary. 

It’s no longer about competition. It’s about me. 

Ah, yes. The competitive struggle we find in ourselves and within others on a daily basis. Today’s world...isn’t it glorious sometimes? I strive to be better than I was yesterday but I’m not compromising my values to do so and I’m not competing with anyone do to it. I’m not short cutting the lessons I need to learn in order to be where I want to be. Everything worth anything always needs time to materialize and the cocoon I evolved from is a shell I look back at with respect and appreciation. It brought me here. 

Having zero confidence is never a conducive condition to thrive in and I can’t pinpoint exactly when I stopped believing in myself, I just remember that I did...and life got sad and fuzzy and dark for awhile. 

I turned my back on my fruitful garden because I let other people navigate how it grew. But I was born with green thumbs and I don’t need anyone else stomping all over my soil. I just need to get out there and dig and maintain and do. I’m a Taurus and my persistence is powerful....and anything I touch will turn out 

For as long as I can remember there was at least one person in my life relentless with putting me down. To this day, there still is...I just stopped listening. I stopped caring and started doing my own eye rolling. I decided to raise my head anyway. 

This has been an overwhelmingly profound and liberating revelation. I have been awakened by vigorous potential shaking me to my core. A loud siren going off, telling me it’s time. 

If I could go back to my younger self, I would tell her to stop thinking she has no value or worth or intelligence or imaginative tendencies. I would tell her she is full of fire and spark and to never dull that light or believe it to be dim. I’d tell her to focus on her talents, hone in on her skills, and respect how precious they are. I’d tell her, she can do anything because she will and she has. Whatever she ever wanted, she would get. 

Oh the advice we’d all give to our younger selves. Oh the chapters we could write. Amirite? 

But it’s best not to dwell on those sorts of things. We can never go back and change our original starting points and if we could, in reality, would we really want to anyway? Wouldn’t that mess up the current trajectory we are on-the current road that led us here and that will eventually take us there? Having a chance to go back is an interesting theory though but I have to say I’ve never been more centered, confident or at peace than I am right now...at this age...and because of the prior field notes. 

So given the option maybe I wouldn’t after all...maybe I’d let my younger self still go through all the hard knocks of life and simply say, “You need this journey, my child. You. Need. This. Journey. Stay strong. You’ll get there....and you’ll be so happy once you do. Your artistic angel will fly.” 

Life is short...follow those passions and believe in them. Take care of them and respect the path. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so be patient. All dreams will eventually come true. 

Look out artistic world...I’m headed your way!