Falling Backward…Among Other Things

 

Hello, sweet friends. It’s been a minute since I have written… since December actually! And, you know what? I have missed you and this blog. My absence wasn’t done on purpose though… I promise! I had to rearrange my life and some priorities. So, sitting down to write for this blog was put on the back burner and it’s been simmering ever since. Man, how I have longed just to do this one simple task that was once such a part of my regular routine. 

For starters, my book became numero uno on the things-to-do-list. Last night I wrapped up what I hope is the last round of final edits before it goes out into the literary world. I received my hard copy a few weeks ago to go through and all I have to say is…. I am so grateful for this step. Otherwise, this book, me and my publishing company would have been the laughing stock of the year. SOOOOO MANY ERRORS AND THINGS THAT NEEDED TO BE FIXED! Another thing I learned: NEVER BE TOO NAIVE AND TRUST ‘THE PROFESSIONALS’! Which is something I did! 

To be fair though, by the time it went into those hands, everything on my end seemed to blend together so I am not even sure that I would have caught that much anyway. I seriously needed a hard copy to sit with and go through in order to physically see what needed to be changed. I am glad I used a purple pen instead of a red one though because as much as I marked it up, I might have set it on fire otherwise. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still an amazing story and I still believe in it. I still believe it will be a hit and adored by many… just real glad I got to go through it one more time. Honestly, I think every writer feels the way I did at least once during the book creating process. I truly feel I am not alone in thinking my book, although I am now happy with it, still isn’t perfect. I don’t think any writer ever feels their work is absolute perfection because let’s get real for one second-we are humans and mistakes happen but also perfection doesn’t exist. Nothing is ever perfect. I can get it as damn near close to perfect as possible but putting that weight against this book isn’t fair to it or me. 

Regardless of all the revisions, changes and fixes that were had, I still enjoyed reading it. It’s got everything: romance, mystery, conflict, and human connection. It’s got passion and some steamy parts and my hopes for it when folks are done reading it is that people will make love and go on vacation-specifically to the island of Ibiza. 

The other obligation that has put this blog way down the totem pole, I got a second job. I didn’t want to do this but unfortunately the small business I own, wasn’t fiscally doing well. It sort of took a nose dive the last eight months of 2021. Every ounce of savings I had, went to surviving. 

I went into survival mode. 

Sadly most of my paychecks of still going to bills instead of what I was hoping they would go toward: a trip to Italy in May and investing in my book. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. All it takes is one thread to come loose to create a ripple effect. There have been many nights and days where I spent crying… worried about my future and just making rent. I have been in this place before and it almost destroyed me so at least this go round I am refusing to be broken. Instead, I am trudging along. I am doing everything and anything I can. I am much stronger than I ever was. 

I have two jobs now and I am writing a book series. I’m either a rockstar or crazy and I still trying to figure out which one I am but I know for certain I am definitely one thing and that’s exhausted. I went back to a career that always made me happy though so there is that. This job regardless of where I am in life, always has a knack at putting things back into a simple perspective. Life is a wave and I need to take it easy sometimes… ride the wave without dictating the direction it will go and if the waters get choppy along the way… hold on tighter in order not to drown. 

I decided to go back to teaching. Mostly though, my job consists of repeating myself throughout the day and making sure my students don’t kill themselves or each other. I don’t think anyone goes into this profession for the money or peace of mind. It’s hard work and long hours and although I make more than I did when I did this back east, it still feels like it’s never enough. I enjoy my littles though and am once again reminded to look at the world through their eyes. Any situation can be changed with a distraction, a ten-second melt down, or a moment to shake it out! Any mood can be changed after nap time. Although just for the record… parents please stop telling your kids they can do whatever they want whenever they want. Structure and rules aren’t bad, I promise you. The word, “NO” will not send your kids to therapy later in life. Discipline will not destroy these tiny little beings. 

Another thing… If one more young teacher comes to me and says they need a mental break, I am going to have a mental break. My young bucks if this is tough, you have a hard road ahead of you. I’m not downplaying mental health… because mental health is extremely important but the ‘mental health’ verbiage is being thrown around like shit at a zoo. It’s a phrase that’s getting tossed around and overused as a scapegoat to do the bare minimum. I’m 41 and I can run circles around many 20 something folks out there. I’m not trying to be a martyr but FFS, just work. Do what you got hired to do and stop making me think you need someone to fluff your pillow and give you a back rub so you can get through the little work you already do. 

This isn’t my first go round working multiple jobs and having a full plate of responsibilities. I have done this the vast majority of my life and yeah, at this point in my life, I am over it but I have to do what I have to do. I have to put my ‘big girl panties’ on and do the damn thing. I have to hustle until I get where I want to be. I have never lived the luxury to depend on other people… not even my husband. I’m not complaining… I am not one to have any person or a man especially, take care of me. 

That’s why my book is numero uno. It’s my ticket out. It’s my door! It’s what I hope will allow me to only have one job, one money-making responsibility. Although I love the small business I own and that’s as equally hard, the hard dive it took last year taught me… I can’t fully depend on it or get too comfortable with the idea that it will always thrive. Y’all! Do you understand how depressing it is to see your entire savings depleted in just a few short months? The same savings that took years to build. Gone! That’s not what that savings was meant for. It was meant to build on and keep… or at the very least, go on some amazing trip with. 

Some days, I hate getting up and going to my second job because that wasn’t the plan. That’s not what I moved cross-country for. And although, I almost went to full-time with my second job, I stopped myself because that would mean giving up on what I came here to do. It would mean putting my business and my book on the back burner. You want to talk mental breaks… that was a mental fall that hurt. It was like picking the lesser of the two evils. 

No matter what choice I was forced to make, the outcome was going to suck either way. Less work equals less money and more stress concerning bills that needed to be paid. More work equals less concentration on my book and my small business. Two things I have worked entirely too hard to give up on now. And y’all… the second paycheck I am making is the only one going to all those extra bills that need to get paid which has caused some heated arguments between my husband and I. We don’t have many options though so I can’t be too angry that he stays home and works fully on our business. We only have one car and in a sense he is like me, getting another job means sacrificing the one we have together but still, I’d be lying if the pressure on my shoulders hasn’t at some point become a resentful weight I carry around. He knows this… I have been blunt about it and I am giving it a couple more weeks before I put my foot down and demand he gets a night job. Regardless, I would have gotten a second job so I don’t fault him for not following suit… I wanted my second job t o pay for my trip and any odds and ends that came along with my book but that hasn’t been the case. I’m lucky if I have at least $50 to my name to hold onto after all is said and done but someone has to keep the lights on and for that’s me.

I’m also a feminist so I have no qualms being the one that brings the bacon home. It just gets to me some days. I do appreciate all the steps he is doing though-the house is always clean and that no longer solely rests on me. Our business is mainly looked over by him and without him, we’d have to close up shop and that’s the last thing I wanted but I know just as much as I hate this dynamic, it is equally eating him up inside as well. 

I guess we are both just trying to make this slip and fall not break our bones and that’s all I can hope for. My middle name is Hope after all. So all-in-all… I can’t give up hope. I have to work my ass off until life gives me the bounty I have worked my ass off for since I was first legally able to work. Things will get better. This chaos will turn to calm and yes! All my dreams will come true. For now though, I am taking a play from my students playbook… relax…take it easy and embrace what comes my way. Shake off the tears and fears and get back up when I fall down. 

Thanks for listening and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. For now, I have a meeting about my book to get to but until next time… Here’s to chasing dreams-even when those dreams seem so far away. 

~x~

The Blogging Bae

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